Nomopo's Funk? Is that what this is?

[slowly]

Hi Nomo - I'm sorry, but not surprised, about this funk.

I don't know exactly what it is, but there's something about my W's behavior/conduct that just really makes me feel like she is trying to manipulate this whole process we're in right now. I suppose it's the emotions talking (irrational fear) or the fact that I don't trust her much right now, but it feels like she knows she wants and will get a D, and she is just doing certain things now to try to make her look better in the end. For example, now she can tell people that we went to even more MC with a T we both loved. And she is putting some pretty serious time between a D date and my discovery of her little affair (which I suspect she hopes will soften the blow). And W will be able to tell people the A really wasn't any big thing (wasn't even PA - "we never kissed"), and that she ended it right away. And we still couldn't figure our M problems. I just feels like this whole current limbo is calculated to make things easier for her, and when I think about that it pisses me off. Not good, I know.

My understanding is that if you could be assured 100% that she is being genuine, you would feel (a little) happier about this S? That part of the funk is because you feel the window dressing is misleading? Your suspicion of manipulation be a completely valid analysis of the situation. What is more interesting however, is your response to it. In Piecing, the same sentiment is expressed as 'I cannot get the trust back'. And sometimes we never do, or we trust at a different level. But the hard part is not letting the other person's values or conduct dictate the course of our own path.

And making the choice consciously, rather than being blind to the possibility that our spouse can be manipulative. I know for sure that I don't trust NG the way I used to. Does not mean I love him any less, just that I'm more aware of his weaknesses (conflict avoidance being the principal one) and have accepted them. My breakthrough came when I was able to see that his choices were not a reflection of me. I used to get knotted up over that fact that if I let him 'get away' with being manipulative, it made me look like a fool That used to be so hard. Separating his choices from my self esteem, was part of the 'work' I had to do.

You've also mentioned that your W is uncomfortable with anyone knowing you're separated. Too effing bad. You ARE separated. There's a bit of her having her cake and eating it too. She gets to be perceived as a W and the social affirmation that goes with it, but gets to behave like you're only co-parents.

Here, her choices are making you do something you are uncomfortable with. Heimlich makes a good point, accepting her does not mean letting her compromise your conduct. It just may be time to say you have other relationships in your life that you are not willing to risk by misleading them for such a long time. Translation - she is no longer so important that you need to lie for her. I see this as a natural progression of how long the S has been in place. Over time, your feeling have changed, and frankly, the S has gone on long enough, methinks. Just remember to make it about you, your feelings. Validate her, but try not to second guess. She must see that you are moving on.

Hugs to you Nomo. The learning and growing never stops. Slowly