Thanx for the advise Bryan. It is just so strange having to tell people and to wonder who knows and who doesn't know and what do they think etc.... I think that just makes it harder on us all. I have decided not to go into details with anyone. I am just saying yes we are separated and working on things and leaving it at that. We shall see. God I hope it works out.
How di you do it with her in a totally different state?
Well we did the swap this morning and he would not look at me or talk to me at all. But this afternoon was totally different. He stayed at the house for an hour after I got home but I made myself scarce. I did the dishes and other things. He kept coming into the room I was in but did not say anything and then would leave again. He was very nice tonight too. Also he mowed the lawn today while he was here with our S. What is up with that? He did not mow it for almost 2 months when he lived here and now he is mowing it.
He also made a complete mess of the house. He has not eaten any food here or anything in over two weeks. He will not even take a drink but today he made a huge meal for himself. I really do not understand him at all. He sends such mixed messages.
I met with my MC today and she told me that I need to make myself and our S not available to him unless it is a scheduled visit. We need to be scarce so that he can see what his life is like without us. Of course he did not miss me the last two weeks he saw me every day. We may not have really talked but he still saw me and was around us. So I am GAL bound now. Even if I just go to my parents I will not be home when he may come around.
God I hope this works and it is over soon. This is really draining.
How di you do it with her in a totally different state?
Appreciate the optimism. I haven't done anything yet. It's been 4 weeks since we agreed to a seperation (mistake #1 on my part) which I instantly regreted. In that time, we've continued to talk and I've seen some softening on her side but in the past few days, she's gone cold again. Right now, I'm fighting for time because I truly do not believe that she wants this and I don't think she can lie to herself and say she does forever.
Me: 32 in OH Wife: 29 in MD Married: 4 years No kids Seperated 14 months
Thanx Bryan - It is just so hard to believe that he wants this so badly. I mean we do not even fight and these last couple of weeks when we are not talking about R we still get along great. You would not even know we had these issues if you saw us together that is what is so painful. I fought like hell to keep him here to work things out but all he wanted to do was go, go, go so I had no choice there at all. I do not think he really wants this either and him being here all the time still shows it even if he does not know it. But like my MC says he can not miss me and start to work on his issues if I am always here waiting for him.
I am also wondering if when this pain passes will that mean that I am getting used to the idea of us not being together and may start to give up on it too.
I just keep hoping that this these sayings are correct.
"That which does not kill us makes us stronger"
"Absence makes the heart grow fonder"
I am keeping my faith with these two short sentences.
Lissie, I pushed for the S between me and my wife and I will be honest to say that I wish we were not separated, but I do not regret doing it. We have progressed more in the past 2 months then in the previous 9 months that we were together. We have grown a lot closer, we enjoy each others company more and we have hell of a lot better understanding of each others feelings and hurt right now. Separation does not have to be a bad thing, although it can be. All depends on what you do with the time apart.
A book that has helped me make the most of my S is "Getting Back Together 'How to Reconcile with Your Partner-and Make It Last" 2nd edition.
“Do you want to be RIGHT or want to be LOVED” “You have to have a life to share a life with someone” “When you stop resisting, you start learning”
Lissie - your and my sitch are so similar, so my words of advice / comfort are: 1) dont give up 2) make sure every interaction with him is positive (be bubbly, happy irrespective of what you feel inside) 3) make sure those friends know you are moving on (dont manipulate them but they can be a hidden asset) 4) talk to friends anyone but your H about your feelings 5) set some goals (see DR) 6) admit it might be over (it will help you recover quicker, it really will)
You have probably heard all this before, sorry I can't wave a magic wand but as everyone agrees, it will get better either way with time
Me - 39 W - 33 M - 5yrs Bomb - 8/5 2007 Moving out - 9/8 2007
Thanx Psch1968 - I need to re read the book and actually do the exercises like the book said. I have read it and am applying the principles but I think I need to go deeper into this to really help myself.
I did good yesterday when we did the afternoon swap. In the morning he did not look at me or talk to me but yesterday afternoon it was all different. He was so nice. I just can not get past all this mixed signals. I need to just let it all go. I know it is too soon for that right now but I am working on it.
I think I do need to admit to myself that it may be over. I think that will make it easier for me to move on and do the things I need to do. I just do not think I can do that yet even though he has told me it over and over. How do you do that and still have hope that things will work out? Won't I start to not want it anymore either.
Yes, telling people is tricky. For me, I don't try to hide it. I just tell the truth. My H feels that he needs some time for himself and I'm doing what I have to do in the meantime to take care of my family.
You do have to be careful, though, because people are very eager to put in there 2 cents. If they see you're hurting or you tell them you are waiting for him to come home, a lot of people, at least in my circle, say forget him. A few try to push me into the dating scene and to file for a divorce. That's not what I want. Some people have trouble dealing with that.
Anyway, you know who your friends are. Confide in people who will support your decision. You need all the support you can get, but don't proclaim it to the world either. If things work the way you want them to, you will be back together someday. Then, you'll have to explain to everyone again. If you've told everyone all the gorey details, they might not be as accepting to your reconciliation.
That's why this place is so great. We're all in the same boat and are not going to judge you for your decisions.
Just take it one person and one day at a time.
Good luck!
Me29 H33 D9 months S2 S9(previous R) Sep 8-19-07 I file 11-5-07 H home (Retro) 2-15-08 "Today is the tomorrow of yesterday." -- S9
How do you do that and still have hope that things will work out? Won't I start to not want it anymore either.
Lissie - I hear you, it is probably the hardest part of all of this. But I can tell you that in my experience, once you finally admit that they may never return, a sort of spiritual calm arrives, and the DB principles are much easier to follow - which in turn maximises any chance your marriage might survive. It is a juxtaposition right - let go, open the cage, accept the risk, and if he/she is the right person for you, they will return. If not, you know you loved enough to let go and that is a great basis for the next stage / phase of your life. I think thats what we are all saying in a roundabout way.
Me - 39 W - 33 M - 5yrs Bomb - 8/5 2007 Moving out - 9/8 2007
