Heim, I like your suggestion about imagining the worst possible outcome. Right now I think it goes something like this:
H becomes angry and disgusted when he realizes I'm not down with him living his new life in the same house, says I thought you were so strong, but we'll just have to get divorced, moves out, files, leaves me penniless, immediately finds that "amazing natural connection" he's looking for (with a 20-year-old supermodel/Nobel prize winner), marries, abandons his kids for his new kids, and lives happily ever after, while I languish, eating sugarless bonbons and reading romance novels that I have to steal coverless out of dumpsters.
How's that? I think I'll need to revise, focusing more on the in-between pain I'm fearing. And I think I'm right with you on the recovering much further into this. He's going to most likely move out, and we'll have to go from there. It's astonishing to realize I'm probably most afraid of what he'll think of me. I was much happier when I was feeling like I didn't think much of him.
I'm beginning to think H isn't so baffling after all. He's done, he thinks I'm accepting it---willing to build a new life together (in the same space) but not together---and looking to move on. What's bothering me most right now is that feeling that things will change in his view of me when he realizes I'm not so modern after all.
bar, wake up! Are you in a Walmart mac-and-cheese-induced stupor? Hope you're doing okay over there. I know things are bad.
Dave, you're right---I'm still in early days (I can't believe I've survived the last month!). I know things are going to be up and down, harder, then even harder, then so hard I think I'm going to crack, then a little easier.
I'm trying to take care of me, and weirdly, with everything that's going on (my dad in the hospital, his sister died while I was visiting him---a real banner week for my family---and all these trips to plan) I'm happily busy. H asked me if I need some extra time by myself and my response is "No!" *I* want to keep the kids, I'll deal.
Originally Posted By: C_K
Do not be afraid of the future and do not be afraid to do the right thing.
This is usefully succinct. To be honest, I think I'm less afraid of a future by myself than I am of H's reaction when I tell him the living together thing isn't going to work for me if he's seeing other people. Maybe it's so much closer. Anyone know what the right thing is?
It's helpful to hear that you also are happier now than you've been in a long time. I'm curious to discover the real me, the just-me. In fact, one of my big goals for myself is to develop more of a community, close relationships with people who matter to me and to whom I matter, and even though it's virtual, I sure appreciate the help from all of you in this crazy time. I'm grateful to and for you. I wish I skiied!
I feel like I've been spending too much time focusing on H lately, while all the things keeping me busy are doing just that. Tonight's my night to go out, and I need to do something for myself. Revisit my goals, maybe, and make a list of all the things I've done lately that are unusual for me and make me feel good about myself.
Let him go. Check.
I can do this, and I can embrace this change, as Heim says, or I can fight it and wallow in self-pity.
