Many, many thanks to all who have shared their thoughts and suggestions.
Snodderly: She came from a stable family situation (parents still married after 30 years, no drugs, physical abuse of anyone, no alcoholism, no instability in terms of illness, death, etc.), but the emotional issues have been there for a long time. She has been in/out of therapy since late adolescence, and has been on/off Prozac and other anti-depressants. She seems, though, to have made great strides in this area in the last year. It was always a touchy subject, and we didn't talk about it much. We should have, but that's under the bridge now. Depression runs in the family, though it seems to have skipped her parents. Her grandparents, at least some of them, were a different story. I never knew any of them because they were dead when we met, but, I kid you not, one of her grandmothers left notes on how to cook Thanksgiving dinner in case she died in her sleep the night before Thanksgiving. I don't know that she did that every year, but it happened at least once. WAW also has a deep, deep fear of flying that relates to feeling trapped. I think this helps explain her feelings about the M. The separation is in part rooted in her long held desire always to find the "escape" from whatever she felt was holding her prisoner.
Mile High: Our situations sound very similar, though your wife has gone further off the deep end, so to speak. I don't have any evidence of OM, but wouldn't be surprised if there was one. She denied that to me after the separation when I briefly raised that angle. I have been married 11 years, and my ring is still on too! Like you, I kick myself for missing the signs. They sure where there, all right. Dumb, dumb, dumb!!!!! My fog has lifted, and I'm not the same person I was two months ago. All the signs are so clear now. I would not be making these changes in myself without the separation, so no matter what happens to the M, I will always be grateful for this chance at growth, hard as it is. Keep up your good work too.
Curiously, she has made a couple of peaks out of the tunnel in the last three days.
First, a bit of background. We don't live together; I've been out of the house for three months now. She asked for space, and I'm giving plenty of that to her. We've had a few brief phone conversations, and last week when I dropped off the dogs for her to care for (no kids), she stormed into the house (she knew I was there; in the past she's always made sure to be gone when I dropped the dogs off) and immediately yelled "Why are you still here? You're being selfish!" No, I wasn't. I was there 15 minutes later than when I said I'd drop the dogs off, and she didn't have to come in anyway. Well, she did apologize for that outburst, and then dropped to the floor crying, saying "My life is all fu..ed up." I asked if she wanted to talk about anything, but she said no. I left. She then started crying more loudly. I went back one more time to ask if she wanted to talk. No. I left.
I think I got a peek behind the mask that day. She's in pain. Most of the summer, I feel like I've been staring into the great void of space waiting for some signal. I'm not helpless; I'm working on myself and connecting with friends and family in new, deeper ways. I really am detaching.
Well, during the past three days two slight changes have appeared. She was away last weekend, and when she called to let me know she arrived safely she said "Call me on the cell phone if you need anything." I did not call. In the past, it has been a straight "I'm here." Today, she emailed and asked how the dogs were (I have had them for the last week). Clearly, she was looking for a response. I gave her a brief one, strictly about the dogs.
I know not to overanalyze these types of things. Snodderly, or anyone else, is it normal for people in MLC to periodically stick their nose out of the tunnel? The actions, few as they are, over the past three weeks seem to suggest she "wants" some type of contact. Does she even know what she wants? I'm not getting my hopes up here; just trying to "guess" what is going on and trying to figure out the best response. I still am standing for the marriage, but I know all about GAL, detachment, "as if", etc.
Many thanks for any insights! To those of us in this boat, carry on! And to those who are further down this road, I can't express enough how grateful I am for your willingness to share your insights.
