Growing up is hard to do

[peaceful_spirit]

Thank you all for your kind words.

IMP, the thing about my H is that he had lots of rules and restrictions put on his by his mom. I just don't think she had any clue how to enforce them when she wasn't looking. Not sure if I mentioned it above, but his brother left to live with his dad at the age of 13 because of too many rules. So my MIL became scared that H would do the same thing. So, I think she started looking the other way. There was no accountability.

I think rules are meaningless unless one understand why they are being placed on someone.

Anyway, I am feeling better. Although, I've done some more bad DBing, but I don't care. H has been withdrawn again. He got home from his biz trip and on the surface, things seem find. But I know they're not. he's not "happy". He's just there. So, I had another chat with him. I did all the talking. Basically, I said that I am tired of him treating me so indifferently, tired of him not thinking one iota of my needs, tired of us both putting his needs firs, tired of him shutting me out. I asked him how he felt about the things I said... he got up, put clothes on and said, "i'm done talking about this". I found this funny since he didn't say a word.

Then I said to him that I was only communicating how I was feeling and that I wished he would do teh same. Still nothing.

So, we're whatever right now. But I'm feeling whole. I feel okay. I'm working on me. I'm just wanting this whole thing to be overwith. I am losing those feelings of love for him. Does that sound awful? I just can't stand to even be in his presence when he's like this.

And the gambling is not getting any better, that's for sure.

He's on his way home from his C now. So, I will ask him if he wnats to share. If not, then so be it.

I deserve better.

The good news is that I really do feel whole. I do feel good. Except for all this M crap, I feel good about me and my life. I like my home, I love my kids, I have good friends and great family, I kind of like me as well.

I'm so tired of not being treated like the gold that I am (not to sound high on myself or anything).