It is dangerous for your personal liberty to remain with someone who equates touch from their spouse with rape. If I was you, what would you recommend?
I'm going to have to think about this. Dang.
Lil: How would me canceling my trip be relevant to making her "whole" again?
HD, if you don't mind me saying...she is *very* lucky to have you, because I can assure you, not too many men would put up with her. I have put up with alot too in my lifetime, but I don't anymore. She is bossy and controlling, and yes, you do have to wonder why she acts like she does. And she will use this as an excuse, as I said, to treat you like you the way she feels compelled to. Yes, compelled...and it is an enigma. My sister acted this way the entire time she was married to her husband...16 years. She just was not going to stop. When he left her, she acted like it didn't matter, you know, brave, etc. She broke down and begged him to return, which of course he did not. She went to counseling later and discovered she has such low self-esteem that it actually felt good to treat him the way she did. Nothing he could have done would have changed that. And even if he returned, she would have eventually done it again.
Personally...I have a boyfriend who on occasion woops out the old bossy, controlling stuff and I can assure you, he knows a few more of those and he is history. So when I say that kind of behaviour overshadows the rest, for me...it does. You are way too patient...but if you can live like that and if the other stuff is more important, than so be it. But as someone here said...she will not change because she just doesn't have to and she depends on that to make her feel good...in a weird way. The way she treats you is very unbecoming...and now she really doesn't have to address the sex issue. She wants the ball in her court at all times.
I think you need to make it very clear that this “violation of trust” is only a script running in her head and no matter how she might feel about it, there was no violation at all, but just the normal thing that occurs between H & W.
Normal? Now, we've been here before. (Normal frequency of sex for married couples). I know, I know, don't let HER define my thinking. But how about the betrayal part? The fact that she has asked me not to touch her boobs (etc.) when she is asleep, and I did it in spite of that?
Lil A month gives her plenty of time to set up an "unforseen" event.
Yup. It’s “pay back or pay ahead” HD.
Yes she told you to not touch her boobs. So fit another bedroom with bars on the doors and bars on the windows and have her sleep there.
I think the idea of going from cop a feel to rape is totally crazy. Don't buy into that argument. That is her power play.
When she was a teacher at college, she was the center of attention. People followed her and believed in her.
Now that she is doing trial law, she has to convince others to believing in her ideas.
You are not the adoring student that says yes teacher. I bet she misses that.
Throw in your XW's behaviors, and managing your XW's kids, she is now required to get into the mud more and that is different than people coming to her at the college and putting her on a pedestal.
People on a pedestal don't usually have someone copping a feel. Snow White lived with 7 guys and none of them copped a feel.
Skip the Snow White, Cinderella, et all stories and buy your kids “Builder Bob” stories/books and toys.
Normal? Now, we've been here before. (Normal frequency of sex for married couples).
FWIW HD, I'm with you on this one. My W would NOT be happy if I were to awaken her squeezing her boobs. She would see it as a violation, although she would not go to the extreme as your W. There would definitely be a lot of withdrawal/avoidance for a few days though.
Here's to the hope that one day we can all squeeze our W's boobs in the middle of the night and have her awaken happy about it.
Cheers, Chrome
"Recollect me darlin, raise me to your lips, two undernourished egos, four rotating hips"
What you did as compared to the work sitch? Apples and oranges, my friend. Violated? I don't think so. Frankly, I think it is within reason to call her on her BS. "Trust?" Do you "trust" her? Do you trust that this is an honest reaction to a minor transgression or has she blown it out of proportion for her to protect her position of moral authority in the marriage?
Hairy - I made a half-asleep, minor, transgression on your person. I am somewhat sorry but mostly only sorry for the pain in the neck this has caused me.
Ms. HD - I just don't know if I will ever trust you again. How do I know you wouldn't go even further next time?
Hairy - Guess that's one for you to work out. Not my problem.
Honestly Hairy, that was mostly tongue in cheek but if Mrs. HD really sees things that way then she MUST have significant trauma in her background. There is something more there. She is not your run of the mill annoyed W who thinks her H is a handsy pain in the butt. That being the case you cannot win this issue. Until she understands that she has deep seated issues that are playing a part and that it isn't just YOU and YOUR problem you will replay the Hairdog the insensitive vs Mrs. HD the long suffering over and over.
I want to tell her, "It was just your boob...get over it!" I want to tell her that I apologized, that it was genuine, and that I will not join her in beating the sh!t out of me over it. I want to tell her that she may think I need to earn her trust back over months and years, but that "her trust" is her problem, and that all I need to do is to be comfortable with the person I am.
Then do it!!!
Who is the one with the problem here - my guess is, it isn't HD!! (and even though I am NOT a betting person - I would put a wad of dough on that one)
**sigh** - what I would give to wake up and find a hand on my boob (that wasn't mine that is)
Heywyre
M - 57 H - 65 1st A-bomb - Nov 27/02 2nd A-bomb - Dec 13/06 together 21 years *************************** Insanity is doing something over and over and expecting different results (Albert Einstein)
Lil: How would me canceling my trip be relevant to making her "whole" again?
Well, to any normal person, it wouldn't. But in her mind it would constitute penance, giving up something that is selfish fun because you fcuked up, making it up to her by taking the $$ you were going to use on the trip to buy her something-- who knows?
But be prepared for her to link the Violation with the Selfish Trip.
You are absolutely NOT a rapist, sex maniac, violator, or anything like it!!!
I know, I know, don't let HER define my thinking. But how about the betrayal part? The fact that she has asked me not to touch her boobs (etc.) when she is asleep, and I did it in spite of that?
So what, that's how you sleep. Her request was unreasonable. Tell her to quite trying to control you. You're going to touch any good looking female lying next to you at night. You're male, don't excuse it.
