But I thought I was getting it, and I let it hang out a little bit, and ended up insulting someone in the process, and it being pointed out that not only am I not getting it, I'm blowing it. That just seems to happen a lot to me. The minute I start to feel a little comfortable ... boom.
Yeah... that happened to me, just a few days ago. I believe you even showed up and asked me what was wrong... remember that?
I fall on my azz all the time. Sometimes I can laugh at myself... sometimes I feel like a complete idiot and never want to show myself to the light of day again, not to mention people... or the people who saw me show my azz...
1) I've come to accept I'm going to screw up. Issue solved.
2) I'm LEARNING how to apply what I know/have learned. Plan of action.
3) When I screw up, I refer to rule one. Doing so with a smile is a little add-on feature I've found that helps me do rule one.
If you're not careful, I'm liable to bounce back to happy-go-lucky idiot-Chrome without taking the time to fix what got me down in the first place. So stop all this cheering up stuff ... k?
Kidding of course, thanks.
Chrome
"Recollect me darlin, raise me to your lips, two undernourished egos, four rotating hips"
You're doing fine it's never going to be perfect and smooth and you'll fall down, you'll fail, you'll succeed, be rejected and accepted, F*cked and not F*cked. You can handle it.
Yeah
Quote:
About anger I can relate to not knowing how to express anger I'm still not very good at it. I think with anger is a call to action a Kicking the cow, hitting the kid or throwing the monitor. That's a response to a strong physical stimulation where there are no F#cking words that will satiate that destructive power.
I know that my fear of my anger is irrational, that I am not my father, and that I won't do what he did. I know I'm not some superhuman monster that can rip someone to shreds with his bare hands.
When the twins were young, and they would alternate crying so that I got no respite, I could feel my rage boiling inside me. I don't know why crying children would cause such rage, it just did. There was no chance in heck I was letting it out while holding/comforting young children, so I would just go absolutely blank. That was the only way I could handle it.
Quote:
Most of the time for myself there is a story that goes along with the anger a story that I keep telling my self that feeds the anger. Feeding the anger keeps it alive for longer than the stimulation that pissed me off in the first place.
Yah, its easy to let all those entitlement voices slip in while you are angry about something. BTDT
Chrome
"Recollect me darlin, raise me to your lips, two undernourished egos, four rotating hips"
I'm still feeling quite a few lingering negative voices, i.e.
"You're just a massive fcuk up, everyone can see it" "Attractive eh? Then how come the one person who knows you best doesn't think so?" "You see what happens when you try, you fail, everytime. Why bother trying anymore, you're life may suck a little, but at least it won't suck a lot."
The self-esteem battle is one you never really win for good. Those voices are a part of me. Sometimes I'm just better at ignoring them. But at least I do know that it is possible to beat them back now ... for awhile anyway.
Oh, and I did forget to mention yesterday in all my self-generated hoopla, that the other morning I did carry my W into the bedroom, made out with her a little bit, and told her I was unhappy with her spending so much time on the computer. Last night as soon as I walked into the room and sat in the easy chair, she shut down the web browser and with just a little protest (i.e. "you promise you'll kick me out after a few minutes, and NO rocking") sat in my lap and we cuddled. Ironically enough, I was the one who feel asleep.
Chrome
"Recollect me darlin, raise me to your lips, two undernourished egos, four rotating hips"
Oh, and I did forget to mention yesterday in all my self-generated hoopla, that the other morning I did carry my W into the bedroom, made out with her a little bit, and told her I was unhappy with her spending so much time on the computer. Last night as soon as I walked into the room and sat in the easy chair, she shut down the web browser and with just a little protest (i.e. "you promise you'll kick me out after a few minutes, and NO rocking") sat in my lap and we cuddled. Ironically enough, I was the one who feel asleep.
This here is good stuff, Maynard.
What you said about the voices being a part of you reminded me of something I heard at a conference once. The speaker was talking about our voices, inner critics, the paranoid whispers of pathological self doubt, etc. He personified those voices as "hungry ghosts". I think he was adapting some Buddhist thought to suit his own process, but it worked. He said something about making a ritual of (mentally or literally) placing a grain of rice or some symbolic fragment of food in a special bowl each morning; "feeding your hungry ghosts". In other words, rather than investing a lot of energy in denying or hiding from your self-doubt, acknowlege those voices/emotions as a part of you ... ONCE. Then for the rest of the day, whenever those thoughts begin to intrude, tell them, "I fed you already today" and *immediately* proceed with whatever you were doing refusing to "nourish" them further. He was talking mostly about how this impacts creative pursuits, but I think it's a wonderful way to approach your whole life.
Last edited by Kettricken; 09/05/0711:38 PM.
"Show me a completely smooth operation and I'll show you someone who's covering mistakes. Real boats rock." -- Frank Herbert
Interesting concept, and somewhat parallel to my SEC telling me to "stop feeding the monster" with regards to bad feelings that are in no way helpful to me. At that time it was a feeling of deep gloom that would settle over me when I went home. Some feelings do need to be experienced fully, even when painful.
Ironically, my SEC stood me up today. He called later very apologetic and offered a free session. Meh. I always tip the waiter/waitress, unless they are intentionally rude.
Chrome
"Recollect me darlin, raise me to your lips, two undernourished egos, four rotating hips"
Am I correct in recalling that you are on decent terms with your dad? Have you given any thought to talking to him about your voices and asking him if he sees any validity to them. It wouldn't surprise me if he is the source of those voices, so he might be the one person who could help you more than anyone else, if he were willing. Just a thought.
