Hairdoggie, Stop the apologizing man! Gawd sakes man, it was just a tittie grab. Perhaps to her "what were you thinking", you should have replied "I woke up with my arm around a mighty fine looking woman, and just couldn't resist giving her an affectionate squeeze. If you can't live with that from your husband, perhaps you should sleep on the couch so that I won't be tempted". Instead, you gave all the power right back to her with your apologies. You need no excuses, just tell her you wanted to. Your what do I want list would be a good place to start...don't just tell yourself these things, tell her too.
Sounds to me like you need to include a few tittie bars in your trip to Tuscon.
--GGB, who really is in no place to be giving advice, but this really jumped out at me as the old Hairy peeking out.
HD...may I ask, what do you love about her? The way she treats you, IMO, would overshadow all other things in your relationship. This is just a *really* good excuse for her to be mean and controlling towards you...for a really long time. She likes it like that. She really does.
I don't think so. HD loves his wife and she is a good woman. He 'triggered' emotions in her, that's all. She even gave him a heads up on what that trigger was... and honestly... in so doing, she let him off the hook.
That doesn't excuse how she chose to respond... but him getting angry back at her isn't going to solve the immediate problem.
And THAT is the thing I think is so cool for HD right now... there is something that he 'gets' that is making him slow down... and say... 'wait a minute,' it feels like this... but... that may not be accurate... let me get accurate, and then respond.
I know I come here and vent about all the crappy parts of the M, but there are also good parts. (I try to share those from time to time, too) She is funny, intelligent, a good mom, a good person, a competent professional. Early on, there were actually sparks, passion. Or so it seemed to me at the time.
Originally Posted By: moretocome
The way she treats you, IMO, would overshadow all other things in your relationship.
Some days, it does. Some days I think to myself, "she doesn't have sex with me, she seems to barely tolerate me at times, and, even when things are relatively good between us, they can head south in an instant with just the wrong comment by me, or by me forgetting something I said I'd do, or whatever." But there are also days when I am generally feeling fortunate to be married to her, in spite of everything. And every once in a while there are days when things seem wonderful. It's been a while, though.
The other thing is, this NMMNG stuff really gets you to focus on your own sh!t, so I'm left thinking along the lines of, "no wonder she's so grumpy, so angry, so distant -- she has to deal with wimpy ol' me." I'm still at the early stages of figuring out how to stop being that NG.
Originally Posted By: moretocome
This is just a *really* good excuse for her to be mean and controlling towards you...for a really long time. She likes it like that. She really does.
I wonder why she'd want that? I could drive myself crazy trying to figure that out. The NG in me just says, "she found one of my flaws...she'll stop loving me, for a while at least"
Hairdog, I just read your post about mrs hd being "violated."
Way back on 8/6/07 in your first Tucson or Bust thread I posted:
Quote:
HD- Be on alert-- if your planned trip is still a month away, be prepared for her to precipitate some sort of crisis/situation/episode that will make it impossible for you to go. It may be some emergency situation that will make it necessary for you to be at home, or it may be an emergency expense (of EXACTLY $200) that she will expect you to sacrifice your $$$ to pay for.
A month gives her plenty of time to set up an "unforseen" event.
This could be The Event I was predicting. Something that you have to Make Up For by cancelling the trip. Be on red alert.
Now I'll read what the others wrote-- I just had to give you my initial take on it.
Well it was wrong of you to squeeze Mrs HD's boob because of who she is. (When people tell you who they are, believe them.) It is not wrong in general for a man to squeeze his main squeeze's boob, whether she is awake or asleep. If I woke up and found my bf squeezing my boob, I'd think it was very sweet and I'd be very happy.
Some days, it does. Some days I think to myself, "she doesn't have sex with me, she seems to barely tolerate me at times, and, even when things are relatively good between us, they can head south in an instant with just the wrong comment by me, or by me forgetting something I said I'd do, or whatever." But there are also days when I am generally feeling fortunate to be married to her, in spite of everything. And every once in a while there are days when things seem wonderful. It's been a while, though. Hairdog
HD, I know that you love this person but really, seriously consider what she's accusing you of. This ISN'T something to take lightly. Unlike some, I am very hesitant the minute someone mentions anything like "spousal rape". This is far from normal. Very far. You should take an outside look at this. What would you yourself give for advice to someone who came to you and said that his wife equates touching her without her very, very express permission as rape. Would you really advise him to stay around her without a witness present? How many man are put away for this? Is it a large number? How many men are "loving" and get hurt by their off balance wives based on unbiased accusations? I would strongly suggest that if she doesn't see someone about this soon that you get away from this person. It is dangerous for your personal liberty to remain with someone who equates touch from their spouse with rape. If I was you, what would you recommend?
That, I think, is where the "betrayal of trust" comes in. The "violation" just pours a tanker load of gas onto the already-burning fire.
I think you need to make it very clear that this “violation of trust” is only a script running in her head and no matter how she might feel about it, there was no violation at all, but just the normal thing that occurs between H & W. Don’t accept all her presuppositions. Once you do, they limit your responses and paint you into a corner. This she does intened to do.
And Cobra, I was thinking the same thing about going back to joint MC. I doubt she'd go.
I can understand that, but bring it up anyway, be adamant about it, and put her on the spot for turning you down, rather than you doing it for her.
After our most recent round of MC she said that, basically, it just brought up a bunch of stuff to further divide us, and that it was a waste of time.
That is how the process works. A couple will pull apart while the work is being done before they can later come back together. But that brings up something of a contradiction in her doesn’t it. She has basically told you that she doesn’t want to be close and will the M on hold for as long as she wants. So what is the concern whether counseling pushes you apart. In fact, why was she so put off when you told her about the sex moratorium, if she is to be believed at her word?
When her IC moved away about a year ago, W said she was done because she didn't want to go through the whole process of informing a new IC and getting comfortable talking with her.
Yeah, that does feel like a waste of money. But your counselor is up to speed with the sitch. I’m not too sure it is always good for a person to be too comfortable with their counselor anyway. Won’t hurt to request this, especially if it looks to her like a better path to whatever cage rattling you can do at home.
Also, her "client" is from her law practice...sounded like you thought she was a shrink.
No, I understood you correctly.
And, by the way, the client's hubby also filmed the act of sticking a little superhero action figure into his beloved's nether regions. I know.
Sorry, that visual was just too funny for me. Yeah, I like sick humor….
