Thanks, Snodderly. I have found your posts very helpful. I'm trying to piece a timeline together, and some of the obvious issues (death in the family, illness to her or a loved one, loss of job, etc) don't apply. I do have a couple of possibilities, however, but they may be reaching:
1. Last summer (July) my brother seemed to take a turn for the worse regarding complications from a brain tumor. He suffered a tumor 10 years ago, and has had 7 surgeries since then. Thankfully, the cancer never returned, but they kept having to deal with complications from the first surgery. Last summer, there was a period of a few weeks where he was likely to have very serious surgery, one with potentially life altering complications. Thankfully, the initial diagnosis was wrong and no surgery was needed. My brother lives in another city, and so it's not like he and WAW saw each other regularly. Still, she sincerely cares about his well being and was relieved, that the surgery didn't have to happen. That's all that we talked about it, so my evidence here seems thin.
2. My WAW has a deep, deep fear of doctors. Hasn't been for a physical in years. Last fall, for some reason unknown to me, she started seeing a doctor. However, for months she could only go and talk to the doctor to get emotionally comfortable with her, the office, etc. She would go once a month or so. It was only this spring, a couple of months before we separated, that WAW came home and proudly said she let the doctor take her blood pressure. That was a real breakthrough.
Now, to complicate the picture, around the time that she started going to talk to the doctor, WAW kicks into an exercise/diet regimen like never before. She would walk 2/3 times a day, 7 days a week. This spring, a couple months before we separated, she proudly told me she had been walking every day for about six months straight. She has lost a lot of weight, bought new clothes, a new car (Mini Cooper that she had to have right away; used to drive a Volvo), new jewelry, etc. She started being more conscious of food, giving herself one "off" day per week from the diet.
The changes are great. I'm truly proud of her; she's healthier, more self confident, etc. My theory, and that's all that it is, is that the doctor told her something that scared her. I'm convinced there were no actual tests done as she was too scared for those, but my guess is that the doctor may have talked about family medical history (both her parents are still alive, though father has leukemia for past five years; he's doing great; once he got past the initial diagnosis and early treatments, he's been just fine) or, simply by looking at WAW, told her that a 39 year old woman should lose some weight. She wasn't grossly overweight, but she needed to lose some weight for health reasons. I thought that, but never told her given the self esteem issues and my conflict-averse nature.
I have not had any health issues during our relationship, though my mother died when I was 14 from breast cancer.
Let me add that my wife has long had a deep fear of death. She fears food contamination (won't buy a can with even the smallest of dents in it out of fear of botulism), read the ending of the recent Harry Potter book to make sure Harry lived, and wouldn't read The Five People You Meet in Heaven when her book club selected that. I could go on with this angle, but you get the idea...
I'll own my failings in this marriage, and I am working on myself as never before. As hard as the separation has been, I feel it's been the necessary kick start I needed for a journey of self discovery I should have launched 20 years ago. My changes are for me. I can't control her, etc. I've avoided most of the big mistakes people make in terms of guilt, pressure, R talk, etc. This is one of the places where my conflict averse personality may have been a benefit!!! I'm being patient, patient, patient! I'm not under any illusion that we will get back together, but I will stand for my M!
Still, the more I read and reflect, the more I think this MLC/transition element adds a whole extra layer of complexity to this picture.
