MLC and childhood

[mile_high_PMA]

Bruce,

I am very much in the same boat as you. Since the crisis started, I have been desperately looking for some information that connects my W's MLC with her childhood. The threads snodderly suggested has been highly enlightening, but I am still hunting for the missing piece of the puzzle. This might have something to do with my analytical background but .....

Its natural for us LBS to justify every single thing we did wrong in our R and M - but thinking back it was both of our faults in neglecting each other after our 2nd kid was born. The sitch gave me the wake up call to understand what could be made better in a M and I am definitely working on making myself better. But my biggest repent is not seeing the signs since my it all started 2 years ago and connecting the dots to start looking for a solution. It was exactly 2 years ago on Labor day holidays, my W went with her mom on a cruise and came back as a new woman, ooops, a teenager. since then she has had multiple EAs, got pregnant, done abortion, got her tubes tied, been depressed and taken on wine and drinking. Recently her best friend's father passed away at 57 and W's mother mentioned to her that she's scared since her mother (W's grandmother) died at the same age as she is in. And soon after came the ILYBNILWY...

Were there dots? sure there was, I was an idiot in not picking up the pencil to connect them.

Coming back to the connection of a MLC W with her childhood, I haven't seen any match with what people think could be the reason and that is part of the reason why I am still hunting for the missing piece. All I know is that my W was brought up in a good well-to-do family with good self esteem. Her parents have been married for 50 years. W's dad was a busy real estate guy who might have been very busy building his business while neglecting to spend time with his kids. My W was definitely pampered and her needs were always met and she continued with that 'spoiled daughter behavior' during our M. In her teenage years, W would run away from home, do drugs and have sex with military boys - a behavior her parents didn't know and would never approve. W's elder brother who was delegated to keep an eye on her actually snooped on her, imposed curfew and deal with her in a very heavy handed manner. When I confronted my W with her shenanigans, staying out late at clubs and coming home at 3 at night reeking of alcohol, the first thing she accused me of was who am I do impose a curfew? My W's mother on the other hand has given her all the reign and independence. Now my MIL doesn't want to stand up to her D's MLC behavior and she is accusing me of emotional neglect of her that caused her seeing OMs.

Something inside me tells me that there was a severe lack of emotional connection between my W's father and my W. Its my theory and I am sticking to it. I have decided to improve myself no matter what happens to our M. The only reason I am still looking for that puzzle is so that I do not repeat the same blunder with my 2 DDs.