Nomopo's Funk? Is that what this is?

[Nomopo]

Hey CVA! Ninfa's at lunch is a tough place to draw interest. How are you feeling today? Better I hope.

I saw this advice from Dave (C_K) on another thread (Puddle'?) a few days ago and I liked it a lot so I wanted to post it here on my thread for future reference:

The best advice I can give you is to concentrate on what you can control. That is you. Avoid relationship talk if you can. Relax when you can, do stuff you enjoy even when you feel terrible, cry when you need to. Do not be afraid of the future and do not be afraid to do the right thing. Let your H go, this will be the hardest thing to do and to be honest will take time. Learn to be very patient its not a quick or easy ride

Thanks for posting that Dave!

Heimlich - thanks for the time and thoughts!

Your marriages are over.

I know this.

You're working on creating a new R based on the rubble of the old.

Not sure I follow your point here. I am not working on a new R. I am waiting (hence limbo) to see if W "wakes" up. Maybe when I stop waiting is when I am fully detached. Maybe when I stop waiting is when I really move on in my life, including possibly to a new R.

For the record, I have worked on me a lot, and I am still working on me and my life (and my kids). I have spent a lot of time in the recent past analyzing our R/M, and my role in it and what went wrong, but I am not doing that currently. That work has been concluded (for the most part?).

I think you're both expecting your Ws to change and waiting for that change to happen.

Not expecting. Wondering if she will, and perhaps hoping (yes, I would still, at this point, like my W to wake up and re-invest), but no longer desperately hoping.

Let 'em go.

Do you mean something more that stop waiting or thinking about her so much. As I said, I am thinking about W and my sitch less and less these past few weeks, but obviously I have not stopped thinking about her and the sitch completely. Do we ever?

It's like your wives still have a lot of power in how you view your lives.

I don't see this. I don't think W has any power in how I view my life. My life is pretty good (but for the failing M ), and I am happy generally (but not happy about the failing M) and know I will be happy and fulfilled in my future. But, I am still waiting (and hoping), and haven't given up entirely on W yet. Maybe I am missing your point.

At the same time as you have no control over how they act, they also have no control over how you act. Maybe they are manipulating both of you. Maybe not. Regardless, if you're both starting to feel like doormats, it might be time to make a change.

Agree with all of this. Not sure I feel like a doormat. Maybe that is what I am going through, but really I just don't trust my W's intentions, actions, etc. She has proven to be completely selfish, so I wonder if this limbo is really more of the same (her just being completely selfish and trying mot to look bad).

I think we all know that if self-pity and a little bit of lack of self-respect creep in, that's not good for anyone -- personally or in the context of the R.

Self pity has been here, and that is not a good thing for me or my sitch. I don't feel like I am lacking self respect though.

Nomo, I know that you feel bound by your sep agreement with your W. You're a man of your word. That's awesome and to be admired. Your W broke your separation agreement numerous times by having lunch with OM -- methinks she dost protest too much. I think you are well within your rights to push forward to changing the terms of the agreement. You risk pushing your W further away, and maybe into the arms of OM, but it seems to me like the risk of your bitterness overcoming ANY chance of reconciliation is even greater.

I have to deal with the anger, bitterness, and let it go. I don't think re-visiting the sep. agreement for that reason is the right reason though. Those two issues are separate, and need to be considered separately. I need to get rid of the resentment for other reasons. And I may need to re-visit the sep. agreement for other reasosn. I believe I am comfortable with the risk that it pushes W away from me.

Certainly sounds like you're ready to start living your life for you. If you're ready to leave the limbo behind, do it. That doesn't mean you have to close the door on the R. However, I think it might free you up mentally and emotionally to start living life like you want to live it, unburdened by being married.

This is the key to the second issue above - of revisiting the sep. agreement. I think I am there, but don't want to act on false emotions, so I am taking my time.

I especially liked this phrase that you used - "unburdened by being married." Man, that sounds good at this point! This M is a burden right now. That is the best way to describe it. And I guess I am still willing to bear that burden for at least a while longer for the greater good.

What I finally realized in fits and starts over the last 3 weeks is that even though I was wearing my ring, my M was over and had been since April. Holding on to it was more habit and reflex and fear than anything else. Letting it go and acknowledging that reality hurts and is scary, but it's also liberating.

I really don't think I am fooling myself that my M is anything but dead. What I am struggling with is being open to reconciling, and trying to exercise DB skills with my W, versus moving down the road and never looking back (or at least having no intention to look back).

The DBing advice goes that our spouses feelings are valid, regardless of our intentions, they feel the way they feel.

Always good to be reminded of this.

If you feel like your W is manipulating you, is staying in the situation/limbo ultimately going to help/hurt you and the possibility of saving your M going forward?

I do not know the answer to this question, and could see it going either way. So, am I willing to push that envelope and find out. I think so, but I'm not quite sure (yet).

I know all about acting as-if, and patience, and time is on your side. But, as some of the old-timers recently posted here, at some point, you decide that you're no longer invested in saving your M. And that's OK too.

I feel I am so close to this point of just moving on. Like I said in therapy a few weeks ago, I am hovering around the line. Not across it yet, but much much closer than not a little while ago. Guess I still haven't crossed it yet, because I would still prefer to work it out (even with the tough years/work it will take).

You've also mentioned that your W is uncomfortable with anyone knowing you're separated. Too effing bad. You ARE separated. There's a bit of her having her cake and eating it too. She gets to be perceived as a W and the social affirmation that goes with it, but gets to behave like you're only co-parents.

Preach on brother! Agree 100%.

There also seem to be some similarities between you and WAW in that your respective spouses haven't put you first. Something else was always first -- work, family, whatever. This is no longer acceptable to you and has to be frustrating. That just brings me back ot the fact that you need to focus on you. Let pusher nomo go (at least in the context of the R) and turn Pusher Nomo loose on Nomo and living the life you want to lead. Who knows, your W may surprise you. If not, you'll be happy anyway.

Well, I think this is the heart of your post and I AGREE COMPLETELY!!!! Thanks Heim!! I need to read this over and over I guess.

If you're burned out. Stay away. Seriously. You'll be missed on these boards, but a break from thinking about all of this is probably what you need the most.

I am taking a break. Can't you tell. Seriously, I am only visiting these boards when I want to (or feel I need to for me). But thanks for the support.

Anyway. Long story short. You're not nuts. I think your feelings are perfectly reasonable. You can look yourself in the eye and say that you've done your best to save your M. Live for you and your kids, hopefully your W will eventually decide to join in. And, if not, as all of the ladies on the board would say, someone's likely to check you out next time you go to Papasitos.

Went out Sunday with a married friend on his Bday. After two bars, he got an email from his W calling him home for his "final gift." Must be nice. Anyway, I moved on to the next bar (cool Irish pub) and I (flying completely solo, BTW) managed to strike up a conversation with a pair of young ladies (both very cute, younger than me, one of whom was interested but her friend was too cool for school). I then moved on (note me, not them ) to a group of about five ladies (closer to my age - even a little older) getting interest from several other members of the male species. At least two of these expressed interest and we visited/flirted at length. I then spotted a waitress (younger, cute) who works at a restaurant my family frequents so I went over to visit with her (and her three cute friends, two of whom very very friendly even after the waitress asked about my W and kids and where my ring was - oops). I then moved back after a bit to the second group and finished out the night there. At one point, one for the waitress's friends gave me a funny look (and did that thing with her arms like Ross and Monica do on friends to say "eff you" - she was joking (I think) about the fact that I had left their group for another group and not come back - I might have said save my seat). They did end up leaving before I moved back over. Point is - I may be rusty, but I am by no means scared of being alone or losing my M. I know there are plenty of options. I'd just prefer (at least still for now) to do the right thing for me, W and my kids and save this family.

Thanks again BD!

Nomo