Had a great time, even had the whole morning to myself too, so it was nice.
Things between H and I are going inch by inch, he's still seing the T and not ready to talk about M yet, and I'm a bit ...well.. confused about what I want now. It's a bit scary, I'm trying not to, but thinking of the lies he told me when I was trying to please him n being good and have all that kicked in my face while he was with op really gets to me.
I got "not just friends" for the first time, great info about healing, wish I'd read it earlier, will do some more reading. It says the the first 3 mtns are hardest and are downfalls, yup, sometimes I wonder "why I'm doing this?". I dont' even recognice myself sometimes, Im being pesimistic.
still not sleeping together, I don't know when I'll feel like it, he said that fateful day that we didnt' have "chemistry" ... I know, it was the A infatuation... but still, it hurt to hear that, I always tried to do new things or at least to do things differently, he didnt seem to be into trying things a different way and was ok with our ML before the A. I saw a book he bought for when he was w/her, he actually asked me to get one because he was too shy, I meant to but never got a chance. Well, the book wanst meant to be used on me (those are the little indignities that hurt me lots), he wanted more ideas to please op.
I feel distant, I dont know how to be with him sometimes, I know that we won't heal if I keep my walls up and act distant, and him still working on his issues isnt' able to reach out, so we might be at arms lenght for a while.
Anyways, the sick feelings are less frequent and shorter, I feel good most mornings. We are going on vacation for a few days, he asked me not to ask him questions, I dont' think I have any, I was going to ask to see his phone, but decided not to, the T told him that if he wanted our M and his theraphy to work there was to be no op contact at all (since he changed his phone # and return her keys seems like that will be the end of op)
SIGH, and here comes another day, need more positive reads, go back to the basics I guess. Hugs to all))) have a great week, won't be around this week much.
Be not afraid...I will repay you for the years the locusts have eaten Joel2
30something 2kids survivor of S, MLC, A, D I have peace in my heart, at last.
I feel the same way you do, sometimes, Cat. If only our H's could see the pain they have caused, but they don't, or won't, and would they have done anything differently? Who knows!
Hope you feel better soon!
Me:57 H:52 M:28 Got another lawyer last year and filed. D35,S/D twins28,D22 EA4/04 End? Who knows? "Life is like a mirror. Smile at it and it smiles back at you." — Peace Pilgrim
I think if W/H felt the pain that they caused, the guilt would crush them, then they would run from the sitch instead of fixing it. Kind of the "bag it, if it's too much" work attitude. That wouldn't be a great feeling either if that happened. Some days I wish you could order the Ebenezer Scrooge treatment for W/H, with video copies provided. I'd pay good money for that, however, I think some people would get tired every time I said, "OK, let's go to the tape and review that one". Then of course the John Madden, "RIGHT THERE", probably would result in bodily damage.
I can relate so much to what your going through...when my H had an EA he actually asked me to take pictures of him...little did I know that it was so he could send them out!
And yes, Cat...you will need to drop down your walls...at first you will feel very vulnerable...but if you keep them up H will feel that you are punishing him...or that things will never be forgiven so why should he continue to try...baby steps...
I know with my H he was the one holding back...at first it was sleep on the couch, then on the second bed in my room, then at the end of my bed...finally next to me...and finally he would allow me to hug him...it was a process but we had to go through it to get where we are...
If only our H's could see the pain they have caused, ======================= The "not just friends" book says the men in particular tend to donwplay the A, if it was purely sexual they actually move on quicker.
========================= Kind of the "bag it, if it's too much" work attitude.
...or that things will never be forgiven so why should he continue to try ================================ You guys got it. Again, from the NJF book, it says that too much emotional turmoil and barrage of questions will not help the S feel safe.
I actually pinpointed what was wrong with me... I was bitter. Still over thought all the details of the A in my head, even during our vacation (he was fine, though still spaced out lots, we had a good time overall, just bickered a bit on the drive home about his driving, that was all)
And of course God provided me with a timely answer to my emptiness tonight: my quarterly, (this quarter is "For better or worse: couples from the bible:) the theme this week was David and Bathsheba. I kept thinking (about my H) "how could he! when he did x y and z, unbelievable!" etc etc, and then I read:
"The story of David and Bathsheba ever bears witness to how even the most godly people, unless careful, can fall into the worlst of sin. How fortunate that we have a God who can forgive the unforgivable! Proverbs says that 'the eyes of man are never satisfied' how true in the case of David. By the time he lusted after Bathseba, he already had more than six wives and who knows how many concubines. And yet that was not enough?...The indulgence of a passion, far from removing the passion, only makes that passion stronger and stronger."
I used to read the quarterly to my H long long ago when he used to go to church with me. I'm thinking about asking him if he minds that i read to him again, will tell him what's it all about and how it helped me to be less judgemental. He might say no, but I'll give it a try anyways, without any strings.
H is now with friends on the shortened much debated trip, txted me a few times this afternoon but nothing now (he did say he forgot his charger). But I won't fret--sure, I'd like to know what he is doing, but I have learned to detach. If he wants to go down a path of destruction, it's on him. As the first chapter of I Peter says "you are of incorruptible seed" and proceeds to talk about trials by fire (please read it, hope it gives you the peace it just gave me.)
I will be fine, I remember now
Be not afraid...I will repay you for the years the locusts have eaten Joel2
30something 2kids survivor of S, MLC, A, D I have peace in my heart, at last.
Glad to have you back Cat. I'm glad you took the mini-vacation together. You hit the nail on the head with the bitterness thing--of course you've been bitter, and with good reason! UGH. But you are one smart cookie to realize that living with bitterness is no way to live. Regardless of the end-story.
Sharing your inspirational material is certainly worth a try. I know I have considered for quite some time asking my H to pray with me on a regular basis. He's not been discouraging of this necessarily, but I find myself afraid to follow through when it comes time to kneel together, I think mainly for fear of rejection/that he'll just see it as one more way I'm trying to be "perfect"...obviously it's something I need to step up and do for ME with the hope it brings us closer together, so why is it so hard to just do?
he's back now, barely called all weekend 'cause he forgot his cell charge, I think I believe that, did call 1x and txt me 3x. We were ok, til I wanted to register for my new phone and he said NO because we share a plan and he doesn't want me to check his calls since it is "an invation to his privacy" I got really mad and just told him to forget it. He did try to approve my acct but it still doesnt' work, he accused me that that was teh main reason I was registering online, to check on him. I mainly wanted to use their online features, was I going to look at his calls? maybe, but that was not the primary reason for my wanting to register. So now i'm mad, he's called 2x and i've ignored him, I'll prob talk mean so I rather not talk to him right now. Yea, and it's also that time of the month, so maybe that makes it worse, I don't know anymore.
============== he'll just see it as one more way I'm trying to be "perfect"... ============== oh jeez!!!!!!!! the times I've been accused of that!!
It's hard to do because you feel judged, like me, I also wanted to suggest prayer, but havent' gotten there yet.
Oh well.
Be not afraid...I will repay you for the years the locusts have eaten Joel2
30something 2kids survivor of S, MLC, A, D I have peace in my heart, at last.
