There and Back, #4

[SallyM]

seriously, who needed to w/o today? I've been cleaning like I am on a mission. I swear its nervous energy today, wondering what will happen when he comes over tonight, wondering how h is doing at the job, if he got an answer from his previous job, what it all will mean for us/me. so much out of my control...and typical, hard for me to let go, when really, there is no point for me even thinking/worrying about it at all.

S_O_T_S, you are right, focusing on him is counterproductive. and I think I do it because I'm so scared to be really productive. I'm so afraid of making the wrong choice, the wrong decision, that miring myelf in stuff that allows me to gloss over real forward movement is what I tend to do. definitely something I'm working on in therapy.

which leads to your question, what path am I on? I think I keep running back and forth, settling for a while on one path, then running back to the fork. I want to be the hero, not the victim, but at the same time, being the hero means real forward movement, and that scares me sometimes. so much easier to sit back and feel the pain and the fear. I know that doesn't make sense, but I do tend to paralyze at times. funny, my dad and I had a long talk a couple of weeks ago and we both are like that. he went thru a lot in his life, and he is the same way...so easy to fall into the paralysis instead of charging forth. but charging forth is the only real answer, so I have to do what he did, and what so many others have...gird my loins and have at it.

I can tell I've been slacking on my journaling again. tonight I'm going to pick it up and thinking I'm going to write down some of the stuff you posted...try to get a handle on it, and try to really push myself. I sometimes wonder if its even me scared of making the wrong decision, but rather just scared of making the right one.

my friend keeps yelling at me to stop doing his thinking for him. who needs a conversation when I conduct them without him? the exchange you posted is a perfect example of this. I work myself into a boil about something (like the office stuff), completely distract myself from myself and any forward movement, and then poof, its all gone...except I'm still not focused on myself.

I'm babbling here, so will stop. I'm dancing around the fact that you are calling me out on stuff/challenging me...I love the fact that you are, but trying to figure out a way to get out of anything real. twisted, my little mind, twisted. I can get that birds eye view and know what I need to do, but still, I stall myself from doing it.

as for october, its not that far off, is it? september is so booked for me it feels like its just around the corner. looking forward to it!