Nomopo's Funk? Is that what this is?

[Heimlich]

Nomo/CVA,

As I procrastinate further on writing an article, a few thoughts on what ya'll might be feeling. This is most likely going to be stream of consciousness, so bear with me.

Your marriages are over. You're working on creating a new R based on the rubble of the old. I think you're both expecting your Ws to change and waiting for that change to happen. Let 'em go. It's like your wives still have a lot of power in how you view your lives. At the same time as you have no control over how they act, they also have no control over how you act. Maybe they are manipulating both of you. Maybe not. Regardless, if you're both starting to feel like doormats, it might be time to make a change. I think we all know that if self-pity and a little bit of lack of self-respect creep in, that's not good for anyone -- personally or in the context of the R.

Nomo, I know that you feel bound by your sep agreement with your W. You're a man of your word. That's awesome and to be admired. Your W broke your separation agreement numerous times by having lunch with OM -- methinks she dost protest too much. I think you are well within your rights to push forward to changing the terms of the agreement. You risk pushing your W further away, and maybe into the arms of OM, but it seems to me like the risk of your bitterness overcoming ANY chance of reconciliation is even greater. Certainly sounds like you're ready to start living your life for you. If you're ready to leave the limbo behind, do it. That doesn't mean you have to close the door on the R. However, I think it might free you up mentally and emotionally to start living life like you want to live it, unburdened by being married. What I finally realized in fits and starts over the last 3 weeks is that even though I was wearing my ring, my M was over and had been since April. Holding on to it was more habit and reflex and fear than anything else. Letting it go and acknowledging that reality hurts and is scary, but it's also liberating. It was easier to come to that conclusion because of my W's firm conviction that it is over whereas your W is going to MC/C. Still, if she's just doing that for show (or if you think that she's just doing it for show) nothing is going to improve. This strikes me as the reverse of the alien. The DBing advice goes that our spouses feelings are valid, regardless of our intentions, they feel the way they feel. Well, you feel the way you feel. If you feel like your W is manipulating you, is staying in the situation/limbo ultimately going to help/hurt you and the possibility of saving your M going forward? I know all about acting as-if, and patience, and time is on your side. But, as some of the old-timers recently posted here, at some point, you decide that you're no longer invested in saving your M. And that's OK too. Successful DBing doesn't mean the D is busted (as much as we would all like to believe that to be the case).

You've also mentioned that your W is uncomfortable with anyone knowing you're separated. Too effing bad. You ARE separated. There's a bit of her having her cake and eating it too. She gets to be perceived as a W and the social affirmation that goes with it, but gets to behave like you're only co-parents.

There also seem to be some similarities between you and WAW in that your respective spouses haven't put you first. Something else was always first -- work, family, whatever. This is no longer acceptable to you and has to be frustrating. That just brings me back ot the fact that you need to focus on you. Let pusher nomo go (at least in the context of the R) and turn Pusher Nomo loose on Nomo and living the life you want to lead. Who knows, your W may surprise you. If not, you'll be happy anyway.

If you're burned out. Stay away. Seriously. You'll be missed on these boards, but a break from thinking about all of this is probably what you need the most. I didn't look here much over the weekend and it was a much-needed break. I feel fresher now.

Anyway. Long story short. You're not nuts. I think your feelings are perfectly reasonable. You can look yourself in the eye and say that you've done your best to save your M. Live for you and your kids, hopefully your W will eventually decide to join in. And, if not, as all of the ladies on the board would say, someone's likely to check you out next time you go to Papasitos.

BD