Well, I've recharged the batteries somewhat, and have settled into the new month. A good time to set a few short term goals, eh? First, a little journaling / catch-up.
I have come to a point in my journey where I need to assimilate all of the info I have gathered. I have so much information from so many different sources, that it seems to me that I need to really step back and allow it all to gel. I believe the only way forward is to begin to put some of this information to use. Not that I haven't been working with the information; I just haven't trusted that I had all I needed. I do know this: most everything that I have well and truly done (for me, and not to try to manipulate my W) has made me happier. Everything I have done in a manipulative manner, or with expectations attached, or in fear of what my W's reaction would be, has made me less happy.
I know I am a strong enneagram type 5w4 and tend to continue to collect data and information, all the while assuming that if I only had that "one more bit" of info I would be able to see the big picture and take the concrete steps necessary to fix my R. Obviously, this is folly. Not that the R is unfixable (it may be), but to wait for some sort of epiphany, some revelation to take place is a waste of what precious time I do have. My tendency to procrastinate; to internalize this information and fantasize different outcomes sabotage whatever concrete steps I should be taking toward engaging in the "real life" aspects of my growth. I have fantasized entire scenarios, including scripts, where my M ends up in D and I find someone who "gets" me, or where my M slowly begins to rebuild, and ends up being all I could want. I also have a few bleaker scenarios, based on insecurity and fear, but let's not go there.
The bottom line is that I have allowed these self-sabotaging tendencies and behaviours to short-circuit my life.
I have enough data. I have good insight as to what work needs doing within my own head. I have enough experience to know that the things done for me, by me are important and valuable in thier own right, creating a solid baseline of happiness from which to address my desires for my R. A solid baseline from which to attach boundaries. A solid baseline from which to explore what my long term goals are, and what I want out of the rest of my life.
Time to start some serious "doing", else I will likely end up "being done" (and not in a good way!).
I do work out on a regular basis, no matter what. I do set aside time each evening to work on my songs I do get enough sleep I do treat myself weekly for maintaining focus on these goals
Hmmm...that should be enough for now. I'll post updates sporadically
A couple of personal shout-outs, (if you're out there):
Hi Corri, please don't feel as though you have to respond. Your personal encouragement has really meant a lot to me, and I will always enjoy your .02, but I can understand the weariness that your continual emotional investment must create. Much love, and all the best. P.S. - You're right, this IS pretty cool, and scary too!
Hi MrsCAC and Lil, I have to say that some of the most useful insights into my internal motivations and general weirdness has come from finding the enneagram information. It really hit me spot-on, and I have some great tools to work with as far as my personal growth is concerned.
Hi Chrome, GGB, Cobra, and DIY, Man, this no f*cking thing SUCKS, huh? Seriously, I follow all of your situations and threads, and have been hesitant to post because I am still such a complete noob when it comes to relationships, that I kind of am working under the geas of "first, do no harm". As my feet come up under me, I'll try to post on your threads. (a complete procrastination move, I know)
Hi MJ, girl, you are the sh*t! I'm still trying to figure out my whole puppy-dog, wolf, lion, monkey-boy vibe, and anything you could do to clarify all these would be greatly appreciated.
Hi Martelo and hairdog, Thanks for posting on my thread. I don't know much about your respective situations, but hope things are better than when you first got here. They are for me, if just because of the "not aloneness" of all of you.
LM
Lucky me, I could have been someone else FOREVER! Whew, that was close!
