Nomopo's Funk? Is that what this is?

[Nomopo]

Let me try to respond to some of the posts at the end of my last, locked thread.

Hi L2! Thanks for keeping up with me.

I have always seen your W's willingness to go and seemingly active participation in the beginnings of some hard work that it sounds like you've done in MC and the fact that she's willing to go on her own to this great counselor who clearly is working on the side of resurrecting your marriage as an indication that she is trying to figure this all out, too.

Maybe not nearly as much as you would like, not yet, and maybe she never will, and ultimately that will not be acceptable to you, but i just guess looking from the outside in, don't let 'pusher nomo' rule the day... this is doubles we're all trying to play, not singles...

Good points L2. I definitely need to let Pusher Nomo take a break (and I think I am on the DBing stuff - see above), and I guess I should give her credit for going to C sessions (joint, and now starting some individual). I don't know exactly what it is, but there's something about my W's behavior/conduct that just really makes me feel like she is trying to manipulate this whole process we're in right now. I suppose it's the emotions talking (irrational fear) or the fact that I don't trust her much right now, but it feels like she knows she wants and will get a D, and she is just doing certain things now to try to make her look better in the end. For example, now she can tell people that we went to even more MC with a T we both loved. And she is putting some pretty serious time between a D date and my discovery of her little affair (which I suspect she hopes will soften the blow). And W will be able to tell people the A really wasn't any big thing (wasn't even PA - "we never kissed"), and that she ended it right away. And we still couldn't figure our M problems. I just feels like this whole current limbo is calculated to make things easier for her, and when I think about that it pisses me off. Not good, I know.

Also, now that we are going to see our T individually, I'm not sure the T will be so pro-M. She will have to respect my W's goals. Still better than nothing, I suspect.

Hi Mandi and SuperDad! Thanks for checking in on me.

NOMO, you didn't reply about choosing a counselor/therapist on my post, but I do understadn as you've been very busy. Any info on how you chose one is welcome. I've been trying to find one according to DR guidelines, but can't find one within an hour that meets the requirements (type of counseling).

Sorry Will. I can't recall what (if any) specific point I had in mind when we first discussed this. I think the key is to follow Michele's advice from DR. You might also call her center in Denver to see if they have recommendations. I think the biggest key is to find someone with specific training for couples. So many of these therapists are really just traditional, individual therapists, so you go in there together and they help you each with your own issues and you don't feel better as a couple. That's one reason I like the IMAGO trained therapists, cause it is designed to help couples. You can find one of those in your areas from their website [url=www.gettingtheloveyouwant.com]Link[/url]. You might also try this site: Link.

I've been at this for 4 months like HEIM, and the worst thing right now is the limbo. She's doing nothing, incorrectly judging everything, and i'm trying my hardest not to dislike her.

This rings true.

I've been sinking my head into every book I can find, and talking on here to make sure I cover every possible solution. It makes me feel better, boosts my confidence and mental fitness, and re-assures me that i'm doing all I can.

I am burned out on this, but it was re-freshing to here what you get out of it (and to remind me what I got - and can get? - out of it).

Hi Charlie.

stories of success on here seem to be when people find 'themselves' again.

Is detaching, getting back to who we really are? if so is this the whole thing about DBing?

Could be, and makes sense to me. Thanks for sharing.

And I like Heimlich's related point too:

The STeven Covey concept of 'sharpening the saw' (continuous self-improvement) is something that I think many of us lost over the years as our marriages settled into ruts and we had kids and jobs and lives, etc. Focusing on oneself isn't selfish, it's critical to staying fresh and being able to contribute and be part of a living, growing R. What I finally realized is that if your R isn't living, growing, breathing, changing then it's dying. Being true to yourself is key to any good R.

Thanks BD!

Nomo