Nomopo's Funk? Is that what this is?

[Nomopo]

Hello all. Ok, last thread locked, so here's a new one. My recap/summary is below.

I wasn't sure what to call this one. Several recent thread titles have involved patience, which is probably still appropriate, but decided "funk" may more accurately describe how I feel right now. I do feel like I am battling patience issues daily. And emotions, I guess, but the emotions have shifted (arew shifting?) from sadness, fear, desperation, etc. towards anger, bitterness, resentment, frustration. I think about my W and my sitch less these days, but when I do think about things generally I get angry at what W has done to me and our family. She has done some terrible things, and I deserve(d) better.

And I get frustrated at the limbo - it feels like nothing is happening, and days are just falling off the calendar. Lost days, lost opportunities for me, for us, for our family. Yes, I am taking care of me, and doing things by myself (GAL), and trying to focus on me, but when my thoughts turn to what is happening it is tough. So I try not to let my thoughts go there.

Also, I am less motivated to be on these boards, and less motivated to do anything related to DBing. I am not particularly excited about therapy sessions (joint or individual), DB coaching, reading books or articles, posting on these boards, reviewing my plan, anything. Basically, I am am "sick of this Sh!t." Impatience, I guess, pretty much sums it up. There's a big part of me that wants to just move on down the road and leave W and this whole mess behind. There's another part of me that wants to keep DBing (or trying to DB), almost exclusively for my kids. There's an even smaller part of me that stil believes that if W came around and decided to fully re-invest in fixing our R/M, that we could do it (after a long time and a lot of hard work), and that we could be very happy together.

Oh well. Enough ranting. Any thoughts? Any of the more experieced posters been through this? Is it just a phase or longer lasting? Any tips on dealing with it? Anyone else feeling this now?

Thanks,
Nomopo

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Here is a summary of my sitch:

Me: 39; WAW: 38
Married: Nov. 1997 (began dating Dec. 1993).
First marriages for both.
Son (7) and daughter (4).
Initial Bomb: May 8, 2005 (Mother's Day and D's birthday)
Traditional couples therapy started: Dec. 2005
"Maybe we should call it quits" Bomb: Jan. 22nd (aka "looking into the [divorce] abyss"); W not working on M
Emotional Affair discovered: Feb. 22nd
Ultimatum regarding EA given: Feb. 29th
Response ending EA, but not working on M, given: Mar. 4th
Divorce Busting begins ("rookie league"): April 10th
Solutions-Based, Goal-Oriented Therapist found: April 12th (Wife is going now!)
"Should we explore a separation?": May 10th
"I want a "trial" separation": May 22nd
Told kids about separation: June 9th (6:00 pm)
Separation implemented: June 11th
Unsure about status of EA; unsure what W is thinking

Some previous alien spew:
"We have no spark and there is no hope."
"We both deserve more."
"I am sad all the time." Depression?
"It's not my fault that it took 15 months of therapy for you to have a breakthrough and finally understand what you were doing and how unhappy I am."
"I do not see any hope of you changing and us being happy together."

[Atlas]

Nomo,

I hear you and have a lot of the same feelings as well. One question, what do you feel when you see W and interact? Does anything change during that time or are the feelings still the same?

[Dr.mom]

Nomo,

I lurk and follow your sitch. Very similar to mine, but no kids involved.

I am also at the same stage as you. Gone Dark, starting to see the light at the end of MY tunnel. And that is independent of whether my H comes back or not. I also think reconciliation could work ONLY if he came back, wanting to do some major re-hauling of his life and our marriage.

I seriously doubt that will ever really happen. And that thought no longer scares me.

Am also curious, like you, as to what this means. Have I detached? Should I ever go back? Time to walk off in a different direction by myself? Does this mean that it is probably better to go?

Riding this wave out, seeing where it goes.

[Nomopo]

Let me try to respond to some of the posts at the end of my last, locked thread.

Hi L2! Thanks for keeping up with me.

I have always seen your W's willingness to go and seemingly active participation in the beginnings of some hard work that it sounds like you've done in MC and the fact that she's willing to go on her own to this great counselor who clearly is working on the side of resurrecting your marriage as an indication that she is trying to figure this all out, too.

Maybe not nearly as much as you would like, not yet, and maybe she never will, and ultimately that will not be acceptable to you, but i just guess looking from the outside in, don't let 'pusher nomo' rule the day... this is doubles we're all trying to play, not singles...

Good points L2. I definitely need to let Pusher Nomo take a break (and I think I am on the DBing stuff - see above), and I guess I should give her credit for going to C sessions (joint, and now starting some individual). I don't know exactly what it is, but there's something about my W's behavior/conduct that just really makes me feel like she is trying to manipulate this whole process we're in right now. I suppose it's the emotions talking (irrational fear) or the fact that I don't trust her much right now, but it feels like she knows she wants and will get a D, and she is just doing certain things now to try to make her look better in the end. For example, now she can tell people that we went to even more MC with a T we both loved. And she is putting some pretty serious time between a D date and my discovery of her little affair (which I suspect she hopes will soften the blow). And W will be able to tell people the A really wasn't any big thing (wasn't even PA - "we never kissed"), and that she ended it right away. And we still couldn't figure our M problems. I just feels like this whole current limbo is calculated to make things easier for her, and when I think about that it pisses me off. Not good, I know.

Also, now that we are going to see our T individually, I'm not sure the T will be so pro-M. She will have to respect my W's goals. Still better than nothing, I suspect.

Hi Mandi and SuperDad! Thanks for checking in on me.

NOMO, you didn't reply about choosing a counselor/therapist on my post, but I do understadn as you've been very busy. Any info on how you chose one is welcome. I've been trying to find one according to DR guidelines, but can't find one within an hour that meets the requirements (type of counseling).

Sorry Will. I can't recall what (if any) specific point I had in mind when we first discussed this. I think the key is to follow Michele's advice from DR. You might also call her center in Denver to see if they have recommendations. I think the biggest key is to find someone with specific training for couples. So many of these therapists are really just traditional, individual therapists, so you go in there together and they help you each with your own issues and you don't feel better as a couple. That's one reason I like the IMAGO trained therapists, cause it is designed to help couples. You can find one of those in your areas from their website [url=www.gettingtheloveyouwant.com]Link[/url]. You might also try this site: Link.

I've been at this for 4 months like HEIM, and the worst thing right now is the limbo. She's doing nothing, incorrectly judging everything, and i'm trying my hardest not to dislike her.

This rings true.

I've been sinking my head into every book I can find, and talking on here to make sure I cover every possible solution. It makes me feel better, boosts my confidence and mental fitness, and re-assures me that i'm doing all I can.

I am burned out on this, but it was re-freshing to here what you get out of it (and to remind me what I got - and can get? - out of it).

Hi Charlie.

stories of success on here seem to be when people find 'themselves' again.

Is detaching, getting back to who we really are? if so is this the whole thing about DBing?

Could be, and makes sense to me. Thanks for sharing.

And I like Heimlich's related point too:

The STeven Covey concept of 'sharpening the saw' (continuous self-improvement) is something that I think many of us lost over the years as our marriages settled into ruts and we had kids and jobs and lives, etc. Focusing on oneself isn't selfish, it's critical to staying fresh and being able to contribute and be part of a living, growing R. What I finally realized is that if your R isn't living, growing, breathing, changing then it's dying. Being true to yourself is key to any good R.

Thanks BD!

Nomo

[Nomopo]

Hi Atlas:

One question, what do you feel when you see W and interact? Does anything change during that time or are the feelings still the same?

I don't think anything changes. Our interactions have been very brief the last two weeks. Most contact has been by phone. What are you thinking?

Hi ponygirl! Thanks for stopping by.

I also think reconciliation could work ONLY if he came back, wanting to do some major re-hauling of his life and our marriage.

I seriously doubt that will ever really happen. And that thought no longer scares me.

I wouldn't say it scares me, but I am not indifferent. I am irritated/frustrated these days.

Am also curious, like you, as to what this means. Have I detached? Should I ever go back? Time to walk off in a different direction by myself? Does this mean that it is probably better to go?

Here's hoping we get some answers sooner rather than later.

Riding this wave out, seeing where it goes.

Now this is what I should have named my thread!

Nomo

[Atlas]

Only reason I ask, is I feel much of the same at home by myself. I feel detached and then the thoughts come, then the anger. However, when I do see her even for a brief moment I just feel calm, happy and excited. So I know the detachment is more about me then us, I think. Just wondering if there might be something there but analyzing while by yourself may not be a true reality.

[Nomopo]

Ok. That makes more sense Atlas. These kinds of thoughts/feelings generlaly come to me when I am alone and I am not otherwise distracted (by TV, work, whatever). They frequently come while I am driving, but also just in down/free time. So, when I am interacting with her, I probably don't have these thoughts/feelings just come up because I am interacting with her. It's more when I am not otherwise mentally pre-occupied.

[Not Much Left]

Hey Nomo
As I was telling you Fri, the boys were getting sick and wham, me too on Saturday so no UT game. Thanks for the ticks though. This happens every year at beginning of school.

I cant tell you how your thought mimic my own. I was so frustrated this weekend, probably from being sick, but still, limbo bites and I am sick of it.

I get the same "manipulated" feeling as you. Everything to make her look better later. "See, I tried....blah, blah, blah, the feelings just did not come back?" All I can think is, "HOW THE F*+K can feeling of love come back when you are doing nothing to bring them back but sitting on your ass"

The days falling off the calendar....ditto.

Oh well, sounds like a pretty tough weekend all around the boards.

I too am a bit tired of posting but ya know what, to be expeced, you have 3x as many posts as me and a real job. Take a break my friend.

C

[bar]

Nomo + CVA

You are both tired of posting, maybe DBing too, which is exhausting and often a thankless task.

However the boards can't lose good people with good advice born of experience.

I think I speak for a lot of people here:take a break but come back when you're ready.

[Nomopo]

Thanks for the support CVA and bar! BTW, bar, taking a break from these boards means, for me, only checking in and posting every few days. Didn't you know that?

This is what I think I need to do. These cards that I (all of us really) have been dealt stink. What we are doing (trying to do) is very very tough. We all need to take a long hard look at ourselves and our roles in this mess, and to own up to our share of the responsibility. But I have done that. Really. I need to keep it in mind, and revisit it from time to time, but I have owned up to my role. Now, what I need to do is not let myself wallow in self pity and be angry. I cannot control this sitch, and it doesn stink, but I can control how I react to it. I do not want to be irritated, frustrated, bitter, angry, etc. It won't help my sitch and it won't help me individually either. These are the cards I have been dealt, and I have to make the best of it. Ok. Gonna start trying to do that (again) today. Wish me luck.

Nomo