WAW1978's adventures in DB'ing -3

[waw1978]

I have been out of the loop as I tried to GAL and go to NYC for a wedding. Turned into somewhat of a disaster as I had a panic attack and just couldn't go. Ended up leaving and heading home after one pathetic day.

H is on our big vacation that we had planned (and made me pay for half anyway). I am in our house with D4 & dog for the week. I keep walking around here just looking at all of the stuff we have accumulated. Been cleaning the house out of clutter and trying to get the stuff thats mine and most important to me packed to move to my duplex.

I know one of the big how to's on here is not to push or pressure your WAS. I think my H has finally completely detached. Which could be seen as a good thing. But as usual I think he has missed the boat and has just given up on me completely. He is a very all or nothing guy. I am just not ready for more just yet. Also we do not have another MC sesh for about 3 weeks as the MC wants H to go alone and get IC for his family issues.

I myself have really let go of the idea that this can fixed. I really think that our relationship may be unrepairable. I don't think we can ever rekindle what we had. I am not sure that I want to anymore. I will never be #1 to him...always 5th after my D and his family. That will never change. I was never #1 to begin with. I refuse to settle for anything less. I am better than #5.

Sorry this a real downer for some of you. I am just coming to the hard facts of the matter. I was far too optimistic when this all started. I really thought that we had a chance. But I am coming to grips with reality.

My best friend asked me if my H had done anything at all to show me he has changed or was sorry for what had happened to our M and the sad honest truth was nothing. He has done nothing to help fix this other than the reactionary agreeing to MC.

I will still keep journaling on here and trying to help when I can but I think my sitch has just come pause.