My H went to his mom's over the weekend, 9 hours from our home. I didn't go, so I visited with my mom and sister and just really had time to me. Here's the wierd thing. I didn't mind being alone - for the first time, I enjoyed the solitude, the time to myself and I didn't miss my H's company. So, I started thinking about this and of course because I am who I am started analyizing this. It's okay to be alone - I'm okay. So yes, I'm sorry to disappoint everyone here, I started thinking about selling my home and moving on. I even rehersed the heart to heart talk with my H about my feelings, not to discuss the a divorce, but to start talking to him as to where I am in this relationship. I also rehersed his answers and my responses. I know what he'll say, he'll tell me there isn't anything more he can do but to let me go. I've tried to think about how I'll feel when he says that and what I feel is almost releaved.
So, H got in last night about 10:00 and gave me a card, which made me cry. It said stuff like, I love you for standing by me, and for your patience, and it went on and on about how he may never tell me these things, but can't express them the way he would like. So, here I am again, confused. He loves me so much, that I know, will I ever have anyone in my life that loves me this much, doubtful. But, I can't trust him, I know that, I don't know what to do about this. I keep checking out his stories, his wallet, his cell phone, his bounced check notices. I can't live like this. I hate myself for that, but it's almost as if I'm trying to find out something so my decision will be made for me. Being in nowheresville, makes me crazy.
