Thanks :0) I am trying to get on. I think that going into this busy time is going to be so good for me. That, and the no contact. I do miss him, at weird times. Last Fri, I had time to get out for lunch by myself. I reached for my phone--we had been in the habit of speaking with each other at least 3 times a day before we got home from work, about the day, plans for the evening, just to check in, etc. Instead, I called a friend's D and sang happy birthday into the answering machine for her.
Still so strange. I don't have that set future in the back recesses of my mind anymore, and it had been such a sense of comfort. Now, I don't know what will happen, so I am trying to just forcast around what I want, and what my kids might be like, short and long-term. I feel like I have to rewire my brain after 21 years of thinking and feeling a certain way.
I've seen some people on the boards who get excited by the prospect of their whole new lives, full of possibilities, maybe even dating again. I have never wanted those things. I want to be in a partnership with the man I love. I don't like being alone, feeling like the third wheel...I feel like a part of me is missing. Even if we didn't go together to the same things, I still felt...connected, anchored, even when apart. In a good way. Now, I am floundering a bit. I realize that he doesn't have the same feelings for me, now; he doesn't care for me the way he used to. It hurts so much when I realize it, when I think back to what he has said and done over the last few months. But it is hard to remember that, when it was different for so long. I was adored, and now I am demonized. I am still not liking this life. But, while I am not embracing it, I am living it.
