Bluepoet is back...

[BluePoet]

Hey y'all. It's been a while.
I've been in a relationship until recently - didn't work out because of a difference in values. Plus he moved away to a new job. Almost got married again. It's very tempting to turn 'round and go find another relationship.
HOWEVER

I'm still in love with ex-h.
I don't know what to do. Most people just hold onto photos or memories - I have these warm and loving comments on my poems from just two years ago. I have poems he wrote to me, so loving and asking for more years. HELP!

Part of me wants to set up a shrine online where OW will see it.
Part of me wants to become somewhat of a nun inside this church of our memories -- which is kind of what my house is, due to being small and filled mostly with things he bought me during the last five years of our marriage.

When does it end? Do you think he would let me know if he marries OW?
I went to meet a guy off a dating site, and unfortunately he looked a lot like my ex, which kind of set things off and now I'm hurting again.

The pluses of what's current:
I've lost A LOT of weight (50+) and still going.
I do take care of myself.
I do get out by myself and do things sometimes.
I'm not dependent on anyone.
I have a couple of good friends that I see sometimes.
I put out a book of poems about experiences with ex-bf,
and am trying to work on one about ex-h.

The minuses;
When it hits me like it does tonight, I just want to lie down and cry forever.
Sometimes I'm tempted to see if he's moved back into the house, but I haven't anyway.
Mostly what hurts is that I can't say "I love you." because he won't want to hear that as far as I know.
I tried to move on, but unfortunately I still want him back. There's no one else like him out there and anything less looks bleak.

What I'm scared of:
That he will submit to pressure and marry her. Because that's how we got married thirty years ago and he's just recreating the same thing. If he holds off, I know it won't work between them, but I'm afraid he won't.

What's hard is holding onto empty air. We're divorced (as of May 29). I can't hold him, touch him, or tell him ILY. I don't even feel like I can call him anymore when I need something hauled. And when he doesn't answer email within a day, I find myself wondering (tonight anyway) if they've flown to Las Vegas or something to get married.

I feel like I'm shutting down inside again, because there just isn't the motivation to make it work with anyone else. I'm doing all the right things, but right now it just feels like going through the motions.

Help!