muddled and angry: Puddle's sencond thread

[Puddle]

Hey Heim,

Think about what you want to say, even take some notes if you need to so that you don't freeze up.

This is good advice (and to a writer---duh!), and the fact that I haven't even gotten into it in my journal reminds me what a huge wall I have up regarding this. I'll have to face myself some time, though, and before he brings it up again is probably a good time.

From what you're writing, especially regarding his therapists, his feelings aren't going to change in the near term, but maybe if you open back up to him, he might start (and this might seem an oversimplification) "acting right."

I agree---he's not budging anytime soon. He's been much more friendly and open since our talks (despite my rubbing salt in the wound re the kids). What do you mean by "acting right," though?

Your H is someone I just can't grasp.

You and me both, my friend. Weird to have your mate turn into a pod person, isn't it?

Is the anticipation of waiting for this to happen any worse than getting it out in the open -- if this is in fact what he's thinking? It seems like the anticipation may be worse than the actual pain of what may/will happen.

Thanks for pointing that out. You may very well be right. The anticipation's pretty bad; how much worse could the truth be? Like I said, I'm not feeling like I'm in a good place right now, and I'd like to find a better one before addressing this with him. I might not have the chance, though.

You've just been beat up emotionally from your father being ill, don't worry about feeling strong now. I think you're ready for it, just need to work yourself up to it.

I wish I believed that right now. I'll give myself a couple of pep talks, though, and hopefully that'll help. I am strong I am strong I am strong.

How is you sharing the pain and hurt you're feeling going to make your H feel better?

I didn't express that well. I think what I meant was I didn't want to give him the satisfaction that he's right about what I'm feeling. Like when he first told me he was having doubts he started telling me what I needed, and whether he was right or not, I didn't want him to dictate what I need (like I don't get to dictate what he wants or doesn't).

A side note on this: When H and I first met, cynicism was my defense mechanism. When he told me he saw through it and I was really just a big softy, I think that's when I began to fall for him. It's painful that we've come full circle.

Your H sounds like he wants you to let him go so that he doesn't have to take full responsibility for what he's doing.

I agree with you on this one. I know I don't have to, and that I can't act based on how I think he might react. When I think about this, though, I'm constantly imagining what he'll say/do/think, which tells me I am not detached. Maybe just hiding. Any advice?

If you're still invested in the M, it's not all his fault.

I don't get this sentence. Could you please recast, you editor?

As long as you are, I'm guessing he's going to feel guilty. All I can say is that you know that you want to save this M. Speak that truth to your H. Make him live with a decision that HE has to make. You can't make him stay and work on the R, but you don't have to say it's OK to end it if you don't want to end it.

Yes, I agree that he's going to feel guilty. I guess this answers my earlier plea for advice. I've told him it's not okay with me, it's not what I want, and I don't think I need to keep beating that horse. Like I mentioned earlier, re the living arrangements, when the time comes I want to be clear that he's making the choice. If I say to him, "Look, I'm happy to live with you as long as you're not involved with anyone else. When and if you are, you need to leave," he'll experience that as having no choice, i.e., I'm pushing him out. How will he be able to experience that as having made a decision?

And by the way, how would you word that? WWOTS? (What would OT say?)

I don't think that he should be able to live at home and start to live a totally separate life without you. You're not his roommate, you're his W. Set a boundary that's comfortable to you.

Hello, fear. As long as I'm afraid he'll respond with, "Okay, then we'll have to get a divorce," I'm stuck. Detach detach detach. You know, when he first told me it was over, he said he had expected me to kick him out. He was so impressed that I didn't. Now I realize that for him, I think that meant, "I know it's over and it's still okay for you to be here." He's going to be dismayed when he realizes that's not what I meant. Hey, I'm afraid he's going to be angry; there's an insight. Wow, I'm apparently afraid of a lot of things right now.

I grew up relatively poor after my Mom divorced my first step dad (a happy day). We didn't have a lot of stuff, but we had food and enough cloths. Looking back, we were happiest then than before or after.

Thanks for sharing that. I know money doesn't equal happiness, and the kids and I will be fine regardless. It's a nasty turn of events, but I'll deal.

Your H is off in fantasy land somewhere, lure him back down to earth.

Fantasy land, indeed. I wish I knew how to lure him (into the path of a truck, sometimes). I think you're talking about being honest, though, and I'm going to have to do that, afraid or not.

Thanks for being there. It's a huge help.