I've become 'semi-comfortably numb'

[Kim07]

Well folks, haven't posted in quite awhile!

I've been very busy trying to GAL and live it up,,some of which I did during the Denver DB event! Have to say GALing in person w/others on this board, is exciting, fun & 'eye-opening' to say the least! We definately need more of these events everywhere around the world to help others see that they are indeed NOT ALONE!!

To ALL my fellow DB'ers on this board in lands around the world:

Altho we all speak different languages, live by different laws in different cultures,,this 'human nature' is universal & IMHO inevitable! There is only one universal language we speak in- mathmatics,,BUT WHEN IT COMES TO 'FEELINGS' OUR HEARTS WILL ALWAYS BEAT THE SAME, BREAK THE SAME AND HEAL THE SAME!

My sitch,,I am getting thru this grieving process as best I can. I figure I am in the 'anger' portion of it now sometimes crying by myself late at night only to realize it will all be over soon! The next & last stage will be 'acceptance' and I already want to be there. Sadly I have to say, that with time this gets easier and easier, less painful. There are moments; an old song, a smell, a taste, memory of a happy place, happy events documented in a picture or video when we were a family all tend to sneak up on us every now and then,,thats' when I get tearful for a bit but that too slowly slides away.

I want so much for all this to be over so we can go on with our own lives. My children are suffering more, IMO, from parents who realize they had made a terrible mistake and can't get past it rather than dealing w/it civilly, learning from it and moving on.

Like my H has said to me on numerous occasions,,"Everyone deals with loss differently.",,this is the response I have gotten all along when I had inquired why it was so easy for him to get thru this difficult time w/o as much as shedding one tear and being able to get over it so quickly w/a smile on his face. I do believe that now I have realized that i'm the type of person to cry, moan & complain about the demise of the current sitch for awhile then move on, thats' me & thats' o.k.,,,,all people are different & from what i've learned on the boards & from the books I have read, 'opposites attract'. Meaning, we will seek for what we do not have or possess to feel whole.

One of the interesting things my C said the other day during our session,,"After knowing who he was & what he was about in the beginning, before you married him, did you honestly think that things would of worked out?" I can now honestly say,,,no,,,I realize now that for the last 19yrs I have put myself in the position to be the 'enabler' and the 'fixer'. That if I just tried a little harder at being prettier, smarter, sexier, happier, richer, mommier, housemaidier, chefier I could fix what ever was wrong with my H and our M. If I would of just instead been myself & not ignore or make excuses for his 'true colors' I would of:

A.)Never M'd him in the 1st place.
or
B.)Would've set my boundries long, long time ago & preserved my self-esteem.

Hind sight is always 20/20 right? Well, I think it is but for some of us, we chose to look thru 'rose-tinted' glasses back then to which our view was somewhat altered & askewed, ignoring the risks of giving the most precious traits a human can bestow upon another,,,LOVE & TRUST. Sometimes its' a gamble, a risk worth taking. In my sitch I did just that, took a risk then crashed & burned. I wanted my children to see me get up, brush myself off and try again,,for they will live by my example and I, under no uncertain terms, wanted to teach them how to 'quit'!
They know how hard I have tried and that it is time to 'let go',,that I cannot control this sitch, therefore will muddle thru the best I can & w/the utmost respect towards all involved.

I hope you all have a productive & prosperous week!

Kim