muddled and angry: Puddle's sencond thread

[Heimlich]

Puddle,

Eesh, sorry to read about your double-whammy here.

Regarding talking to your H, seems like a catch-22. You're right, eventually you're going to run up against the "I want end, he wants out" split in viewpoint.

To my way of thinking, if he wants to talk, talk. Think about what you want to say, even take some notes if you need to so that you don't freeze up. From what you're writing, especially regarding his therapists, his feelings aren't going to change in the near term, but maybe if you open back up to him, he might start (and this might seem an oversimplification) "acting right." You're H is someone I just can't grasp.

Also, the idea that he's seriously considering living under the same roof long-term while pursuing other women scares the daylights out of me, and I know this talk is coming (re his last email). He's terrifyingly logical, and I can imagine him saying, look, this R is over, so what's the problem? It keeps me close by, saves money, etc. I think I'd just freeze up.

Let's assume that you're reading your H correctly here. Is the anticipation of waiting for this to happen any worse than getting it out in the open -- if this is in fact what he's thinking? It seems like the anticipation may be worse than the actual pain of what may/will happen. I mean, you've set up some pretty grim scenarios of what your H is thinking -- I think not knowing is eventually going to drive you batty.

I felt much stronger before, when I was just going about my life and not worrying what he was up to. The truth is that we're in very different places---he's done and I'm not---and we're going to run up against that sometime. I just don't feel like I'm ready for it.

You've just been beat up emotionally from your father being ill, don't worry about feeling strong now. I think you're ready for it, just need to work yourself up to it.

I get what you're saying about talking about my feelings when he brings it up, signaling he's ready to hear it. He's done that. I know he wants to hear it, and part of me wants to share that with him, but part of me feels like it wouldn't do a damn thing except make him feel better.

How is you sharing the pain and hurt you're feeling going to make your H feel better? I'm not getting this. Your H sounds like he wants you to let him go so that he doesn't have to take full responsibility for what he's doing. If you're still invested in the M, it's not all his fault. As long as you are, I'm guessing he's going to feel guilty. All I can say is that you know that you want to save this M. Speak that truth to your H. Make him live with a decision that HE has to make. You can't make him stay and work on the R, but you don't have to say it's OK to end it if you don't want to end it. I don't think that he should be able to live at home and start to live a totally separate life without you. You're not his roomate, you're his W. Set a boundary that's comfortable to you.

I grew up relatively poor after my Mom divorced my first step dad (a happy day). We didn't have a lot of stuff, but we had food and enough cloths. Looking back, we were happiest then than before or after.

Keep focusing on yourself, Puddle and doing the best you can for your kids. Your H is off in fantasy land somewhere, lure him back down to earth.

BD