The kids got a bite to eat, then we all pitched in to empty the car and fix up the house. It looks good, even though the puppy ate part of my bed topper while we were gone.
It was good to get away. I did some rehashing with my friends, but it wasn't too bad. There really isn't anything more I can do, anyway, no matter how much I want to.
On Sunday, we drove out to spend the day with H's bmf, his wife and 2 kids. If you have been following me for a while, you know that this man is also a good friend of mine, and I actually even had a crush on him for a few months some time back (before realizing the dangerous road that was).
He told me that H is not coming home, to focus on myself and this new life, even if it is not what I ever wanted--it is what I've got. He said the last time he saw my H (when he helped him move), he was a different person--lost. He said no one can understand what is going on inside his head, and it wouldn't matter, anyway. Time to move on. He said he knows that I still love H. But it doesn't matter anymore. He is gone. He didn't want to be harsh, but he said I can't continue to hurt myself and live like this, especially since it is not doing anything, anyway.
*** CW's H called me tonight (urgh, I need to get caller id), and asked if D would like to go on the computer with his D. Then told me not to worry about the bus stop--apparently, CW had a gallbladder attack and needed emergency surgery. He said he had an eventful weekend, but was there for her. H visited late last night and this morning too (who cares?). I got off the phone ASAP, and I am getting the caller id tomorrow on the way home from work.
That's funny!! My LI friend actually suggested we make the voodoo dolls on Sat night--maybe she did it herself when I went to bed. ;0)
Sorry, mk...I know that I should be more Christian about my views of CW, but I would be just as happy if she simply disappeared off the face of the Earth--or, got back with her H and her 4 kids and moved. Just so H could have some head-space to really think about this whole thing.
Anyway, its not me crowding him right now.
I have enough on my plate to figure out right now, with the new school schedule, switched job responsibilities, new student teacher, all the kids' school stuff, grad school starting tomorrow, and all the things that H used to do around here. I'm actually happy to be even more busy than I ever have been in my life. Now, I just have to keep organized and my head above water...
LOL voodoo. Who doesn't have caller ID? You do have a microwave and an answering machine right? We would always be that family on the block that got everything five years after it came out!
Donna, do NOT listen to that BMF (whatever that means?) best male friend? People say those things to see you get out of pain. No one should advocate for anyone to give up saving their marriage. Do not take that seriously. It is harsh but he is saying it out of respect for you but he should be praising you for your patience and fortitude and love. Remember the DR book says to not rally the troops because they will say that divorce is a solution but it does not solve the real issues. Friends need to be supportive of marriage once they know your stance or butt out or at least stay neutral. No one knows what it is like until they have been there. We have all been there with you.
Me:38 H:39 MLC M:10 R:23 years D6 S3 Bomb: Easter, 2007 "Every day may not be good, but there's something good in every day."
I had a sit-down with the kids last night. D was whining that we weren't do anything fun after dinner (mind you, we were just back from a 4-day mini-vaca). I had to explain to her that I had to do all the things I always did, and now all the stuff that Dad used to do. Both of them having been doing a fantastic job helping out and pitching in, but things are going to have to be a little different, because there is so much to do and less people to do it.
I went on, telling her it was going to be this way for a while, maybe a long while. She asked, forever? I said I didn't know, but that may be. She started to cry. I told her that i was so sorry for the way things were, but that grown-ups are free to make their own choices. She had a Mom and Dad who both love her so, so much. I told her I want her to love her Dad, and have fun when she is with him. I also told her that she can talk to me or her Dad about any of this, any time. I brought S into the convo, too, and pretty much told him the same thing.
I asked them if they knew about stress, how it can be the same or feel different than sadness. S said he doesn't want to talk because then everyone cries, and he doesn't want to see anyone cry. I told him that crying is natural, and it is worse to keep those feelings bottled up inside. Holding that in, stress or sadness, can make you start to feel sick. It is better to get it out, talk to someone (we listed family, friends, adults at school, etc.) They know that I see a IC; I told them that they could see her if they wanted to, or someone like her. But that they can also talk to their Dad--neither of them have said anything to him or cried with him.
We all got big hugs and cuddles all around, then finished up the last of the chores. After baths, they had some ice cream and settled into bed with some stories.
The kids speak with H every day, between 6--7. When D finished, she came in and told me that she asked H if she could talk to him (wow, that was my line!). She told him that she wants him to come home. He asked her if that was out of the blue, or did Mom tell you to talk to me. She said that I told her to talk to him. Hopefully, that is not misunderstood, but it really doesn't matter. It was a huge step for her. She is still thinking about what she wants from this weekend--she doesn't want to do 2 of the things he is planning that he told her about, and isn't sure if she is ready to sleep away without me for more than one night. I told her to think about it and talk to him on their dinner night this Wed.
*****
MIL also checked in last night, and I thanked her for watching the puppy. Told her about CW's operation. Also mentioned that H was down to LI to visit sibs (I thought she knew). She said that she has to talk to her other kids about this whole thing; she is not happy that they are accepting and supporting him, and that they have only gotten his side of the story, when she has seen the whole thing and what he has really been doing. I just asked that she keep me out of it; that whole thing is between all of them. He blames me for enough.
You have great Kids , treasure your time with them . I see a whole new you in your posts and its good to see. Try and keep that PMA going its not always easy and there will be times out of the blue that you will fall apart ( I do anyway ) . Just take care of yourself.
Thanks :0) I am trying to get on. I think that going into this busy time is going to be so good for me. That, and the no contact. I do miss him, at weird times. Last Fri, I had time to get out for lunch by myself. I reached for my phone--we had been in the habit of speaking with each other at least 3 times a day before we got home from work, about the day, plans for the evening, just to check in, etc. Instead, I called a friend's D and sang happy birthday into the answering machine for her.
Still so strange. I don't have that set future in the back recesses of my mind anymore, and it had been such a sense of comfort. Now, I don't know what will happen, so I am trying to just forcast around what I want, and what my kids might be like, short and long-term. I feel like I have to rewire my brain after 21 years of thinking and feeling a certain way.
I've seen some people on the boards who get excited by the prospect of their whole new lives, full of possibilities, maybe even dating again. I have never wanted those things. I want to be in a partnership with the man I love. I don't like being alone, feeling like the third wheel...I feel like a part of me is missing. Even if we didn't go together to the same things, I still felt...connected, anchored, even when apart. In a good way. Now, I am floundering a bit. I realize that he doesn't have the same feelings for me, now; he doesn't care for me the way he used to. It hurts so much when I realize it, when I think back to what he has said and done over the last few months. But it is hard to remember that, when it was different for so long. I was adored, and now I am demonized. I am still not liking this life. But, while I am not embracing it, I am living it.
I can feel where you are at you have been with this man since you were 16? you have grown up together , I met my W when I was 18 and I think we moved in together when I was 20 thats 27 years together , its real tough letting go but its all we can do. I woke up a few days ago and could not stop crying , it happens to all of us . despite all that we must embrace our new lives and squeeze every bit of good stuff from each day that we can. I have said it before look for joy from where you can , it may be a smile from one of the kids or watching a sunset . I wnated to grow old with my W but I cant force her to have the same dream , you are in the same spot your life may not be as planned but make the best of it.
