Thanks BA - I thought I drove you off b/c of my poor words.
The kids and I had a great weekend. We did get to swim and we played new games. Priceless.
Former W came to get them today. I had them all week b/c she was on travel.
She emailed me Friday and asked was it ok to get them Saturday "for a few hours" so she can get them haircuts. Now...I can get them haircuts; I knew better. So I said - why not get them Monday for lunch and keep them for the rest of the weekend. She wrote back "can I get them later in the week also (on my time) to make up for my travel" ???
The court order does not allow "make up time" and my schedule is 40%. So I wrote back saying I offered for her keep the kids Monday b/c I was "trying to be flexible, not for make up time - apparently I failed". She responded with an apology and said "sorry I worded it that way - I just miss the kids".
She came to pick them up today. Could not keep eye contact, could not wait to leave - although we all were glad to see her and I was very upbeat.
She is hurting. And I got to thinking.
A lot of water under the bridge here this past week. Much to think about.
-------
I was wrong. I am stuck in anger and resentment. Not good. With some good inputs I post the following:
I haven't been letting go of former W . I am letting go now. I'm sorry she is gone. It's nobody’s fault; it's just the way it is. I accept it; I cannot move forward until I do.
I have accepted my role in this. I am working on changing me and the things in my control. She didn't expect me to change, and even though I have she refuses to see or thinks it “too little, too late” to trust that I will stay changed. I will, and I will demonstrate that, but for me.
fW will continue down her own path to find her own identity, and it's not anything I can change. It has nothing to do with me; it's about her and her happiness. She may still care for me but she wasn't happy in our life and thinks that leaving is the only way she will be happy. It is a decision she must make at this point in her life. I can now put the negative thoughts about this out of my mind where they do not belong.
I am tired of the hurt; I still care but I must no longer be affected by her actions or words.
I will forgive her and forgive myself.
I know that I will continue to experience strong emotional swings but I will embrace them for growth. I will let my emotions run their course and accept what they are telling me. They are part of the healing process. Anger is a teacher – resentment is not.
I will support her unconditionally the best I can given the boundaries I set for myself.
------------
Some of this I posted before. But as I said on another thread - time to walk the talk.
To those who tried to help with honest posts - I am sorry. I will try to do better in the future.
