I get what you're saying about talking about my feelings when he brings it up, signaling he's ready to hear it. He's done that. I know he wants to hear it, and part of me wants to share that with him, but part of me feels like it wouldn't do a damn thing except make him feel better. I don't think he'd get it (like he doesn't think I get it), or that I could reach him right now. So maybe it's like not telling him that I've only told 3 people while he imagines I'm spreading the news far and wide: I want to keep it to myself. Why should I share my feelings with him when it won't make any difference? It's an obvious defense mechanism.
At the same time, I know that's what he's telling me he needs. You know how we keep asking ourselves, "Will this bring us closer together?" I think this would, but not in the way I'd like---more like friends moving on. Maybe I should take what I can get?
Re the living situation. The basement apartment wouldn't happen for ages---it's not even being planned yet, let alone built. So here we are in the same house, and he's asking how he can build the life he wants within my parameters (no visits/phoning in the house). I guess he can't. It's hard to discuss terms for what he wants right now. I can't imagine that conversation going well, so I'm avoiding it.
I felt much stronger before, when I was just going about my life and not worrying what he was up to. The truth is that we're in very different places---he's done and I'm not---and we're going to run up against that sometime. I just don't feel like I'm ready for it.
So what do I do? Start interviewing counselors? (By the way, he's been in therapy for a long time. His therapist is a wonderful man, who was married for years before he came out of the closet. I may be wrong, but I imagine he can empathize with H, and H has obviously used the analogy of being gay to try to explain to me how impossible it would be for our M to work. Not sure if H is in a MLC, though he claims he's not, for whatever that's worth.)
Re him living in the house, for him our M is so over that there's no conflict. This is a man who literally knows no one who's been married for the long haul. I don't think he's particularly concerned about "morality" re the kids, at least not that kind. Ethics, maybe. This is the man who wanted to be sure he wasn't just staying in our M because he "should." The self-respect issue is one I'll have to consider. It's hard for me to figure out where the line is between strength and self-betrayal.
Argh, babbling again. Thanks, Sandi, and to everyone else for reading. I hope you're all doing well. Take care.
