Oh my gosh.....you made my day! Do you know I have been beating myself up today b/c I pretty much let a man, on the board here, have it yesterday! I seem to be doing that lately....by that I mean that I am sounding very angry. So, today I have been questioning myself about that and wondering why I feel this anger. I don't know if it is a stage that I have to work through or if it is something I need counseling about....I don't have a clue.
I had a great father....(grieved him very much when he died) and I was never abused by him, my husband, or any other man. My parents were close and were wonderful examples for me. So, I don't think it could stem from anything in my past.
I have started working with teenagers the past month at church and last Wednesday night and yesterday....I almost let my temper get away from me. (Well, they are little demons!) But, that is not like me to be that way. And, like I said, I've been somewhat sarcastic to a couple here on the board. I don't want to sound like that. If people had treated me like that when I came looking for help....I would have left and never returned.
I hate to tell you this after all the sweet things you had to say, but I do it b/c you show your concern....and that is what friends do. So, hoping that I have indeed made a new friend, I hold this out to you hoping you may offer any ideas. I hate seeing bitter old women.....oh God, I don't want to end up like that! Nothing is more ugly to me than a bitter, angry old lady!
The reason I thought it might be a "stage" or something I'd have to work through is b/c at first I felt very remoseful for what I had done....and then very embarrased to discover my grown D had known all the time what was going on....and then I had a hard time forgiving myself (still working on that one)....so I just wondered if this is another phase. I know I am probably talking outloud here, b/c I know you wouldn't know since you aren't the WAS. Perhaps you have read it somewhere and can tell me.
I think I need to forgive my H for his failure in meeting my emotional needs....that only he could fill. But, it is hard when he doesn't think he has done anything wrong. Perhaps that is why I am angry....everything has always been my fault (according to him)!
I agree with you about how we need to do something out of the ordinary. We go to work and church and that is our life! Ugh! Everyone needs more than that!
My brother-sister anology of our R wasn't a good one, but I was trying to explain how that I love my H but it is like loving a family member that you've lived with for a very long time. You love that person, but certainly don't want to have sex with them....well, that is how I feel toward him. It's awful. I don't want to feel that way, but I can't seem to change. Michelle says to just "do it", but that is easier said than done. But.....I promise....I am going to try to get the "brother" philosphy out of my mind. It sure would help if I could just feel a tiny bit of attraction toward him.
I was the one that always wanted to do the fun things....but could never get him involved. He doesn't have any hobbies, doesn't care for sports,.......nothing...but watch TV. Well, I finally got burned out on TV after so many years of doing nothing else. I used to try to just get him to walk around the block with me, but he wouldn't. If you have read my other posts, you saw where I've told stories of things I did when we were younger....you know, to put sizzle back into the marriage. Even though I was not that HD sexually....*I* was the one that would come up with the ideas to do fun things and to keep life in the MR. Well, after I got sick with chronic fatigue and fibromyalgia....I guess I just got tired of always being the one to have to do it all and felt like he should put forth some effort if he wanted it......after all, he seem to think that "sex" was the life of the marriage. He never had an original idea in 41 years except to go get a motel room in a different town. Well, that was just the same recipe just in a different pot. (You like that? I just made that up.....lol)
Sometimes I think if I just had the physical energy again maybe I would have a different mental attitude. I'm sorry sweetie, I'm having a pity party and you didn't even ask to come...i just grabbed your hand and pulled you in anyway.
I really want to help others here on the board......I truly do. If nothing else, by my own mistakes and what I've learned over the years. Sometimes I feel like I've tried everything. There are days I feel as though I've read every book that has been written about M....(lol). I look at other couples that have been married as long as my H and me.....and some have almost a "dead" look in their eyes. I don't want that! I want to be in love.....I want to feel alive! I felt dead for 11 years and then I found the OM (God help me) and realized that I'm not dead on the inside! I am very much alive and still have desires that I dream of being fulfilled. I don't want to be like those other couples that don't have anything left to give or to feel. On bad days (like apparently today is) it scares the hell out of me b/c I wonder if there is any hope left for me and my H. Are we too settled in our ways? Can we still change? If I was teaching a class.....I would argue the fact that that is all a myth and anyone can change if they want to badly enough. But the key word is "want". And, that, sweetie, is what scares me. Do I "want" it badly enough?
Well, you can't answer that for me....I know that. Guess I've done more journaling than anything else. I needed a friend today and you came along at the right time (or wrong time for you...lol). Thanks, sweetie. Now, I'm having a good cry.....and you know us females.....that always seems to help us.
Now.....about you.....ahhhh....you didn't think I would get around to that, did you? If I drank.....and I may take it up any day...lol, I am sure I would be an alcoholic! If I ever took drugs.....I would be an addict. Well, I do take drugs....but you know what I mean. (The kind I have to take aren't any fun at all.) Oh....I better stop before I really make matters worse.
Anyway, I just wanted to tell you to please be careful and remember that your body needs you to take care of it....cause trust me, we pay for it dearly before we think it's time to. Before you know it, you'll be 60 years old trying to tell someone 12 years younger than you......and pray they will listen. I'm certainly not going to preach to ya, but I think you are smart.....(yep, I have decided that)....and I think you will know what is most valuable in life to you.
Ok, so guess I'm through crying and *not* preaching (lol) and will let you go for now, but hope you talk to me again soon. Again, thanks for coming by when I needed you.
Everyone on here has been good to me and I appreciate that. We all need each other as we work through our problems. I'm here for you guys and I hope you will continue to be here for me, too.
P.S. I got the "Light His Fire" and have been listening to the tapes. Maybe they will get my light charged and blazing again!
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
