Big f'up this weekend (and all my fault). Was too needy and wanted to be intimate with WAW. Basically kept hassling her all night for sex and eventually she admitted that she did not find me attractive and was only having sex with me as I wouldn't take no for an answer. Long talk during the night and she is adamant that she needs to leave me. I now know that attemting and initiating intimacy is still pursuing her and is helping to drive her further away.
Hey Pamar,
Don'tfeel bad. I'm right there with ya. It's is so hard to date the woman you have slept with for last 10+ years. I am so frustrated in this area also
Husband
And if I claim to be a wise man, well It surely means that I don't know
This is my first time to post and I feel the same way. This is all very new to me and I'm scared that I've already done irreversable damage to my marriage. I don't even know if I knew how much my H meant to me until this entire ordeal begain. I found out that he was having feelings for someone else during a move from our home of all our lives to a new state,job, and life away from all support. I found out the frist night of our move that. OP called and he got out of our bed to go talk to her, that was in May of 07 and since then I've spied on him and done everything in my power to make him see that what he is doing is not benifical to our family. We have been together for 14 years starting to date in high school and getting married the year after graduation with a 10month old daughter. We have had problems all through the marriage, but I was the one with the complaints,he was always the one wanting to make it work when I was ready to throw in the towel. He says that now that the shoe is on the other foot it doesn't feel to nice and he's right. The only thing that has changed for us is that since all of this has happened we've opened up so much more to eachother thatn ever before. I've had to take a long look at some of the things that I've done and not expect him to do all the changing and I'm ready to do that. We are now living 400+ miles apart and have seen eachother twice. He talks to me on the phone, email, text,etc. I also know that he talks to the OP as much or more (she also live 400+ miles from me because she lives where I live). I'm just in the process of reading the book and tried some of the tech while he was here for the weekend, but I think I made it worse, because when he wanted to be intament I gave in like I always do. Please some one help me I don't know where to draw the line on that. He still tells me that he loves me and that he just doesn't know what he wants. He knows he can't have his cake and eat it too, but like different things about me and the OP. What do I do? I've backed off, stopped the quizzing, and am just trying to be supportive of the space between us, is this right, wrong, what? If anyone could give me some help that would be great.
I feel your pain! I feel that I f***ed it up too, by being intimate with my spouse. I haven't seen him for two weeks because we are seperated and I now live 400+ miles away from him and he came to see the kids I had planned to be away for the weekend,but he asked me to spend some time with him on Sat. night and I did. We ended up in eachouthers arms only after he grabbed me and started kissing me. Everything was intiated by him, but I didn't object. I don't know if I should or just let whatever happens happen. I know that as soon as he left me and the kids he went to the OP because she lives only 30min from me. I haven;t heard from him since and don't even know if he made it home. I'm worried and miss him so much. He also asked me this weekend if I would meet him somewhere in between where he lives and where I live for some US time. I really want that and need that, but just don't understand where his thoughts are. I don't want to screw it up by having sex everytime we're together.
Hey Paul, their mood swings are hard. I hope the day got better.
And even though I'm a girl, I am enjoying being 'friendly' with guys lately. I have lost about 20 pounds in about 1.5 months, and while I get no comments from H, I get a ton from others, many in front of H. It feels good to have someone find you attractive.
Simple advice, go with the flow at the moment. Don't try to analyse every little bit. After the incident above, we have since been intimate (terrible word for so much fun) twice and I have just enjoyed it for what it is.
Doesn't mean I still get hurt with the rest, but if that intimacy is still there from W, then maybe there is a hope. Difference with my sitch is W is still under same roof.
DB means changing yourself, so if you enjoyed the sex, then don't worry about it. Keep DBing, live life for yourself and find the castle analogy on this site (it is excellent).
lwb,
Tell me more about the 'friendly' aspects ;-). I got a compliment today in front of W - don't it feel good.
Current situation is not too bad, thought stopping is working, being cheerful and a cheerleader, so all being well, life is progressing. W just mentioned a holiday in December (woo hoo), so no pressure and living day to day and not getting to high when things like that are mentioned.
Husband,
Life sucks and then you pay taxes. You have my support and gratitude, wonder how our W's would react if we started dating :-).
Today is a good day to live, hopefully tomorrow will be as good.
W just mentioned a holiday in December (woo hoo), so no pressure and living day to day and not getting to high when things like that are mentioned.
Today is a good day to live, hopefully tomorrow will be as good.
Pamar-
How do you do it....not getting too high when a positive thing happens? That's been my problem. It seems like our weekends have been incredible and then the weekday hits. I often wonder if my H suffers from a little depression. I was at the bookstore today & in one of the books I looked at it mentioned that sometimes when a good thing happens, a person who is having issues....depression or MLC actually wants that moment to last so much and that it's such an increidble let down when it's over that they'll be more than just a little irritable & angry. They also start thinking about how their lives aren't what they thought they'd be by now and that makes the situation even worse.
I like your last thought. I need to keep repeating that to myself.....today is a good day.....hopefully tomorrow will be as good.
SueS
ME: 42, H: 42, D6 Together: 18 yrs. Married: 15 yrs. Attended Retrouvaille - December 2009 Status: Working on it day by day
Way to go. W's phone rang last night and all I did was pass it to her (hooray).
SueS,
Believe me, I still get the highs, followed by the crashing lows. I try to even it out and not beleive too much of what is being said. In my sitch the W is under enormous pressure at work, so I take heart that some of the things that are directed at me are not intentional (at least I tell that to myself).
It still hurts after 6 months, but I still have my family together, so that is a positive, I still share the same bed and we talk (try to keep R talk to a minimum) and I can still make her laugh - so keeping a positive mind and fighting like crazy to keep her.
Like the thought of the book club though, 10 minutes discussing a book and the rest of the time getting drunk. Why don't you get a babysitter for one night a month and go and do your own thing? The more mysterious, the better.
Pamar, It sounds like you are really mastering a lot of your goals and living As If. This sounds very positive but do you ever feel you are in a rut? What would ittake for your W to commit 100% to the man she is supposed to be with forever? Has she noticed your 180's? If not, you seem very patient. I am happy that you get to share a bed and TV with your wife. That is lovely. Those are things I miss very much with my H. Simple, everyday things.
M. Green, Maybe some people express love through sex. Some people give or take power from sex. Others give or take pleasure and that's it. You may need to either Act As If and stay positive or set up boundaries. It depends where you are in your sitch.
Me:38 H:39 MLC M:10 R:23 years D6 S3 Bomb: Easter, 2007 "Every day may not be good, but there's something good in every day."
As the song goes 'Try a little patience'. Damn hard, but seems to be working, from a 'we need to seperate and you need to leave the house' to 'I'm still not sure'.
And boy do I feel that I am sometimes in a great big rut. Read some of my previous rants! It is surprising what you do miss, even us males - cuddling together and just chatting is sorely missed, as is just holding hands.
m.green,
I can't talk for anyone else, but I enjoy the intimacy and feel that it is also getting me closer to my W. I want to save my marriage and if that helps me keep a level head, then I will be intimate. W recently told me she didn't want sex - I respected that, then she changed her mind (I REALLY respected that).
To you all,
Your advice and support is keeping me positive and upbeat. I think that is what the W is noticing the most. Thank you and I hope in some small ways I reciprocate the compliment.
