Newcomer in Pain

[NikB]

((((Larry))))

I haven't even had the energy to post on my own thread... but wanted to offer you a hug.

[GainingStrength]

Sunny and BeingMe and Nikki: Thank You all so much!

I really need your kind words today, because it got worse after my posting this morning. I found out that W is bringing OM from the airport to the house (while I am out with the kids) for a nice overnight stay (with my D in the house). I'm supposed to bring the D back around 7 and drop her at the front door and then continue on with my S to our new apt. My S knows, so he is very unhappy. His mom did say this morning with some regret that "I've lost my son. He's gone." That's not slowing her down though, even with her family now split in two pieces.

My rhetorical question is, when does the cost of all this pain and family wreckage add up enough so that even the WAS finally figures out it is not worth it?

Larry

[GainingStrength]

Everyone:

After all the stuff described above, I didn't know whether to laugh or cry just now when I found a card I had saved from W for our 15th wedding anniversary a little over a year ago (this'll kill ya):

"To My Husband -- My Forever Love: As time goes by, the really important things in life grow stronger, more meaningful, and even more precious... You're at the heart of everthing that truly matters to me in this life. I love you and I always will.
Happy Anniversary."

Then, her words: "Larry - Wow - 15 years of heart, soul, love, money, kids, mortgage = life! You are my life! I love you. Happy Anniversary. Ahead to the next 15! Love M*******"

I almost choked on the irony when I read it. Then, I had to laugh.

L

[BeingMe]

Maybe, when you drop your daughter off at the house, you could ask her to hand the anniversary card over to the OM!? Just a naughty idea.

Why can't these WAS's keep the A away from their children? Why can't they wait for the D to be final, and remarried before having their OM sleep over with their child/ren in the house? What kind of example is she setting for her daughter? Maybe she wants your daughter to also leave and come live with you? Perhaps, you should've stayed in the house with the kids, and she leave and live in an apartment? How come you didn't propose that idea? Lots of maybe's, perhaps's, etc. and hindsight is always 20/20, 'eh!?

Just wondering. I am glad you have managed to keep your sense of humour!

[25yearsmlc]

Larry,

first, yes it's Alaska. I'm fine, especially compared to you. WTH??!! She is so screwed up. You asked a question about when the WAS figures out the pain isn't worth it and I posted recently about that, but will repeat a few things I've seen.

My uncle left my lovely aunt decades ago, for OW. First off it wasn't his first A. Second, the OW's h killed himself! This left uncle feeling guilty so he married OW and raised HER kids, never mind about his own kids with aunt. Years passed and OW--ie, wife #2, CALLS MY AUNT to ask where Uncle is, as in, he was cheating AGAIN...on HER! I can only imagine what it took for OW to call my aunt. Anyhow, my aunt said it suddenly dawned on her what a favor uncle had done by leaving her. So many years she DID NOT have that stomach ache feeling that he was cheating on her, as he still would have been. She remarried and that lasted 25 years; until her 2nd h died. She is NOW in a happy new R, and btw, she is 70, and says the "sex is great." (What an inspiration!) Aunt says she is grateful about SO much pain she didn't have to experience, thanks to him leaving. AND, btw, this uncle told his own mother that if he'd known how much pain this was going to cause everyone, he'd never have had the A....

ALso, my brother in law left my older sister, after 22 years of M and 3 kids, and her putting him through law school. Took two years for her to resume dating and then she met a guy who worshipped the ground she walks on. He may have his issues, but he DOES love my sister. She remarried, and she IS happier now than she was with her first h. But she still feels painful memories due to the hurt and the fact that they had 3 kids...ANYHOW, a month before her remarriage, her ex h called to tell her he "f----- up", and that he "gets it" and that he was/is sorry. HE also remarried...a woman whom HE refers to as "high maintenance." He is less happy in his 2nd M, and my sister is more happy in hers....go figure.

And fwiw, I have 2 relatives who divorced; only to remarry their spouses later on. Both said the 2nd time around was better. It happens.
(((hugs))
j-

[GainingStrength]

BeingMe - A cute naughty idea. But with W and OM, it would not help.

The WAS's can't keep the A away from the children because they are emotional drug addicts. It appears that judgment, grace and caring go right out the window. Below is a little fable I wrote for my other thread ("The Course of an Affair".):

A FABLE FOR LEFT BEHIND SPOUSES ENDURING AFFAIRS

From what I've read, the walk-away spouse in an affair is on an emotional high, enthralled with the other person and addicted to the endorphins and adrenaline flooding their brains when they think of or are with the OP. As a left-behind spouse with kids and a walk-away-wife in an intense affair, I've written a little fable as self-therapy. The fable admittedly is partial to the LBS and may not always be true. But please indulge my little fantasy:

Once upon a time, a walk-away-spouse and the WAS' lover (the Other Person) created an emotional island paradise for just the two of them, insulated from the feelings and needs of those left behind on the mainland of Marriage. Affair Island, though built with the pain of their spouses and children, was beautiful and glorious and provided everything they wanted.

As they built and beautified the island, the lovers made plans to be together in bliss forever. However, there was a little problem. They were surrounded by dangerous oceans all around the island. On one side was the Sea of Guilt and on the other the Sea of Loss. Also the island was located below sea level, otherwise known as the Tide of Reality. So they needed large dikes to keep from being inundated and drowned. To do this, they created a big stupid extension of themselves, a giant named "Dopamine" ('Dope' for short), to build and maintain these Dikes of Denial. These dikes worked fine at holding back the water for months and the two lovers remained excited and happy, planning for their endless future together. However, the sea levels around the island kept rising and the pressure on the dikes kept increasing. Sea of Guilt water (from the pain they caused their children and others), started to undermine the dike and water from the Sea of Loss (as they start missing their now-shattered families) started to erode it.

The lovers then needed more interaction with each other to maintain their drug highs and to keep Dope strong in order to reinforce the dikes and plug any leaks. Fortunately for them, his strength was occasionally increased by the left-behind outsiders on the mainland who sometimes unknowingly threw food over the dikes in the form of anger, pleading, interrogation, and blaming. When they stopped doing this and instead adopted attitudes "as if" they were friends of the absent spouses and turned to improving their own separate lives, the Dope weakened. He could then be sustained only by the lovers themselves.

It took a lot of energy to keep the walls strong enough and high enough to keep out the ever-rising seas, so Dope needed larger and larger doses from the lovers to keep strong. After awhile, the lovers were not able to produce the same level of sustenance for the Dope and he weakened more. Eventually, he became too weak to maintain the walls and the Seas of Guilt and Loss start to flow in, making the lovers unhappy with themselves and each other. Finally, the seas overwhelmed the dikes and swamped the lovers. They were engulfed in the flood of guilt and loss that they could no longer keep out and Affair Island broke up and disintegrated. The lovers eventually washed up back on the mainland, exhausted and alone, each wondering what became of their forever paradise.

The End.

Any comments are welcome.

[GainingStrength]

J - Be glad you are where you are today. It's 109 here in southern California.

Thanks for all the info on your colorful family. It does add some perspective to it all.

Right now today, I'm starting to train myself to embrace this divorce as the right thing to happen. This is partly because I can't take this much pain indefinitely, because if I "go with what's going to happen anyway I'll be less vulnerable, because my W does have some pretty nasty traits that were apparent before the A or D started, and because I really am 23 years older than her and maybe she does need a younger man (OM is 38, W is 40).

I still love her but I cannot change the fact of her intense desire for the D so that she can have her "Big Life" and big new house with the OM (along with her MLC). Therefore, I think I need to focus more on detaching than DBing (although I have been told that the two go hand in hand).

Anyway, I do run on. Thank you for your words and your help.

Larry