Hey sweetie, I've been trying to catch up on some of your posts b/c obviously I missed something. I don't want you to misunderstand what I meant about mentioning the children. What I meant was that sometimes S use the kids as "leverage" to hold on to their mate...but it doesn't work. However, I am certainly not suggesting that the WAS gets away from any of the responsibility of raising their children, etc. I believe there is a time and place to discuss these parenting responsibilities...and I know it can be tempting when a "desparate" S is wanting to remind the "wayward" S of their kids and what they owe them as a parent. However, that particular method does not work in trying to change their WAS mind. Your H sure sounds like a MLC case and maybe some more problems to boot. He does need therapy IMHO.
As far as you discussing your feelings....again, there is a time and place. I don't think it is the DBing idea to become a "fake". For some of us, I'm sure we would feel like one b/c it would be so foreign to our true personality or emotional response to certain situations. I think when the S brings up the subject of the MR (calmly) and invites you to discuss your feelings they are telling you that the "timing" to do that is okay. However, if they are "baiting" you into a fight....the timing in not right. I have learned (the hard way) that timing is EVERYTHING!
I kind of lost track (sorry) about the living arrangements....what about the basement? Anyway, I gather that he is wanting to live under the same roof....and see other women as well. Hummmm......talk about eating cake. There are certain things that Michelle writes about that I can't agree 100% with, but I won't get into all that right now. Frankly, I would have to go back and re-read this part, b/c I have read so many book lately. It is my personal belief that a woman (or man) should not put up with their S having PA while living under the same roof with them. Now, I say this as a wife that was ready to have a PA with OM! I respect my H for drawing the boundry and I would have to do the same if it was reversed. If he knows and plans to "date" while living in the same house as you....why on earth would you allow that? And, please don't tell me it is for the sake of the children! What is that teaching them? You can forget any moral character in their future if they see this displayed in front of them. To me, it is also telling them that women are not to be respected if/when a man can have PA with OW and still be "married" to the person under the same roof. That leads me to the next question....how could you have any self respect?
I agree with Michelle about the S staying in the house so that they can see you changing for the better, etc.(within reason). However, I don't believe a person should endure anything that would lower the moral standards before the children or to take away the respect for the other parent. EA's are one thing......PA's are another....but continuing dating OP or an on-going PA....that is out of the question!
It's your life sweetie and you have a lot to consider, but I hope you won't let him have his cake and eat it too.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
