Not so Shocked 4

[nickyf]

Hi everyone

This past week for what ever reason has been hard, i have really missed my old husband, i'm not sure what what trigured it other than it being the 1 year anniversary since the bomb. I suppose that i have realised that the odds are against for him coming back home. My husband seems to be in the withdrawl period again, only contacting to speak to D3, once again seems content with things, not overly happy but not very unhappy either. He seems to cycle so much with his emotions, i sometimes wonder whether he even realises that he is doing it.

This week i have thought about the fact that I did not have a very good childhood, my mother was quite abusive, my dad died when i was just 13 and so i grew up thinking that i could never please people until i met my husband. He made me feel so safe, made me feel that i was worth something, made me feel loved and wanted, i could tell him anything because we truley were best friends. When he left my world was shattered, the one person in the world that i thought loved me unconditonlly, turned round and said he did not love me anymore, i was heart broken. Deep down i know that my husband would not have hurt me in this way intentionally and so i truly believe he is going through something that he at the moment is unable to understand and i hope for his sake he can find the strengh to heal himself. I have always been a person to try and fix things but i know that i am not able to fix him he has to do it himself.

Well after what seems to have been an emotional week for me i feel that i am back on track . D3 and i have had such a great day today, the weather has been really nice and D3 had some friends over to play. I managed to get the lawn mowed and a few other jobs that needed to be done. I start back to work tomorrow after being off for a week, so back to being busy lol.

I have been invited to a couple of parties in the next few weeks. At one of the parties, the 22 year old that was flirting with me a while back will be there . I just intend to enjoy myself and if i get flirted with again, it will be good for my PMA .

Hope everyone is ok

Nicky