FLTC: from Iraq

[catfan]

FLTC, sorry mate just not posting as much for a variety of reasons. Glad to hear you are doing ok and it's nice to hear your wife is being at least cordial now. Yes there are some positives in my situation now that I haven't posted but some negatives too. Honestly it seems lately a lot of responses on this board have gotten rather negative and in some cases mean spirited. That's the biggest reason I haven't been around much, don't need that vibe this crap is hard enough as is without being bashed.

[COG]

FLTC,

Hey, sorry I haven't checked in with you in awhile.

I'm not sure how to stop this spiral of noncommunication with W.

The same way you would stop it with any other human being. You pick up the phone, or a pen, or a computer, and YOU start it.

Your W sure seems hard and cold. Mine was too for a long time, but not to the extreme of your W. If I did'nt call my W, she would'nt have called me at all other than for kid's stuff. This went on for at least two years. So I just kept on calling her, ignoring that she was a cold hearted bitch, and fought hard to stay in an upbeat, joyful place. The fact that she was bitter, angry, and cold was HER friggin problem, not mine. That she was willing to give up a great man in me was HER failing.

When I finally began to realize that, then I was able to have more sensitivity towards her position, and more control over my life. When I finally accepted the amount of pain that SHE too was suffering, and realized my part in it, then I could understand why she was where she was. But the steadier, stronger, more confident, more joyful I became, the more attractive I became.

Believe it or not, we're still not 100% where we want to be in our R, but we're still moving forward, not backward. It's been almost 7 years a work in progress. Only seems right, it took us 12 years to get into the mess we got into.

Don't worry about the future my friend. Relish the present. Tell your kid's how much you love them, and how proud you are of them.

Someday when you find the strength, maybe YOU can set down your fears, and start treating your W like you would any other friend. Start with friendship, and work forward from there.

Keep your head down soldier!

God Bless,

COG

[Matilda2]

Just stopping by to say hello again. Hopefully there won't be any mean spirited vibes here.....so stop by when you have a free moment. TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF! STAY SAFE!

[FLTC]

Hey all. Thanks for stopping by. CatFan, sorry it's gotten too negative here. I don't have time to post a lot, much less read, so I can't talk to that. I'll have to stop by and read your stuff. I used to log in every morning first thing on getting up, way back when I was in PA and could still drink beer ...lots of it!!!! You were always at the top of the list! Of course, I'd be second. You must be getting pretty fed up. My sadness is always jsut below the surface.

One year this week is when we separated, and I still get choked up thinking about it. I actually wept as I left the house. I had to throw away gag ties that she gave me over the years, as it devastated me. I remember it like it was yesterday. I don't know how people get through this. I think of my poor kids having to face a broken howm and I get furious and sad at the same time. They DON'T RECOVER, DR. PHIL!!!!!

COG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Where have you been???? You literally have been with me since the first day I posted, almost a full year ago. I took your advice and sent two long emails, expecting nothing. NOTHING'S TOO GOOD FOR FLTC, AND NOTHING HE'LL GET!

I still have a tough time getting by the day she dropped me off to go to Ft. Bragg and then Iraq, when my kids were hanging on me, and she could not find it in herself to say goodbye, or be careful...or anything. What is wrong with her. She really has been a cold-hearted bitch since the day I left. Remember Christmas and the "microplaner"? Totally undifferentiated anger Or the anger over not finding a hockey jersey? Not right.

She was almost civil the past couple of times on the phone. she's still strapped for cash as my daughter's program in Utah is about 7K per month, even though all my hardship pay and regualr pay is tax free here in Iraq. Oh well, I've got almot another full year here in the Cradle of Civilization. Write when you get time.

[BeingMe]

You've probably heard this a million times all over the forum, and I know it's something that takes time (and something, I understand completely, having been where you are), but ..... please try and let go of the anger. Being in Iraq must help you realise that life is too short to hold on to the anger you're feeling. Also, try not to assume to know what is going on inside your W's head. She may seem cold hearted, but may, in fact, not know what to say without feeling she is giving you false hope.

As we said in the army I served in .... vasbyt (which translates, more or less, to 'hang tight' - or, in the dictionary ... Definition: South Africa be stoic: to be uncomplaining in the face of difficulty or adversity (informal) [Late 20th century. < Afrikaans, literally "bite hard" < vas "firm, fast" + byt "bite"]). This is a term we used when pushing through the pain of basic training, such as route marches, running, and so forth. But, I think it is a useful term when applied to our marital sitches.

So, stay safe and vasbyt!

[Matilda2]

I've got almot another full year here in the Cradle of Civilization.

So how about some goals for yourself apart from the Army and your marriage?????? What would make YOU happy? (I realize you are limited there, but there must be something......)

[lemondrop]

FLTC - I feel compelled to write, though you may not remember me. I was posting here last summer/fall, but stopped because life just became too hectic and I didn't think I was making any real progress on the relationship front anyway. During the fall, though, you were supportive of my sitch, especially with respect to my concerns regarding its impact on my kids. I checked in here this weekend to see if I recogized anyone and saw this thread. I am happy to report that my sitch has improved. Sometime after the holidays last year, things began to turn around with my DH -- I don't really know what I did or didn't do that had any impact, but, the short story is that he is back and we are doing much better (though, of course, it is still a work in progress). He gave up his apartment in March (2 months short of the end of the 1 year lease. In May, I found out that I am pregnant with our 3rd child, and we are ecstatic about that. I am 24 weeks along now.

I wish I had some great advice for you, but I don't. I am glad that you are emailing your kids frequently, and I don't think that an occasional email to your W hurts anything. I know that you still have alot of time in Iraq, and just hope that that time brings some positive changes all around for your family.

Please take care, Lemondrop

[FLTC]

Hey all,

BeingMe: Yeah, I've thought about the "not giving me false hope" a bunch of times, and deep down inside I don't want to admit that's what it most likely is. I also take a look at what COG told me and I do feel that I am a really good guy who has a lot to offer to somebody, hopefully the woman I promised to stay with forever, some 22 years ago in October.

All the advice about being that "alpha male" take charge guy aside, we all have frailties as human beings. Mine happened to be that I "didn't satisy my W.'s emotional needs" and I was did not "take initative" in things like planning meals, planning financial stuff, even though I made about 140K a year due to the militray and my civilian job. she was a math major and a benefis analyst..just better with numbers. There's not a room I wouldn't clean, an event I wouldn't take our kids to, an event I wouldn't attend with her for any reason.

As you may recall in 94 she had an operation and she really did almost die, and I had decided to attend an Army school, last phase that I need for promotion. Huge mistake. I got it..... Michele wrote a whole newsletter about that one being a life-changer and I guess it was......she never forgave me. Guilty as charged.

That aside, nothing was ever right, no matter how hard I tried. Nothing was ever taken as delivered when I did make decisions. Each small decision would always come with a list of itmes that I had no considered or which made my decision invalid, inaccurate or usually...wrong. We're eating too early...you're taking a longer route than we need to..fuel inefficient. Too slow..Too fast..... You didn't plan....................

when I mentioned anything that she might correct, it would get twisted..."So, I'm a Shi**y Mother". When she physically fought with my daughter, that was my fault for not telling ehr to stop. I did..to no avail. D17 is now in Utah at a school for troubled kids...7K a month. I'm not blameless, just frustrated beyond hell.

I guess it looks like I'm trying to play the victim, but I couldn't have tried harder once I knew she was really unhappy. I'm so sad for my kids for our family, and of course I replay the "what if" video over and over and........

lemondrop: Sure I remember you. Hopefully, you'll look in one me when you might get a chance. I'm very happy for you. Your situation looked hopeless (much like winning in Iraq did a year ago!) It does go to show...you never know... Fill me in when you get a chance. I must admit, I'm a little jealous.

In closing..I am very proud of my service here, and the soldiers who work for me. NoHill once told me his life split as cleanly as a Saltine into his life before Iraq, and after Iraq. I truly believe it will effect me that way too. Believe in the war or not, all of you would be incredibly proud of the young Americans who are here...There IS no Greatest Generation...they're all great, and this generation of young warrior is as brave and dedicated as any of there forefathers.

A kid the other night went back to a vehicle engulfed in flames several times trying to save a comrade in a vehicle hit by an IED. His hands had third degree burns from trying to get the doors open..all to no avail. He would not quit.........he had to be pulled away from the vehicle. A

All America seems to care about is Lindsey Lohan, and the congressman with the "particularly wide stance" in the airport bathroom.

This kid will never see below the fold in the Des Moines Journal.

Take care all.

[COG]

FLTC,

I took your advice and sent two long emails, expecting nothing. NOTHING'S TOO GOOD FOR FLTC, AND NOTHING HE'LL GET!

Ever see Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory. That spoiled little brat Violet. Daddy, I want it and I want it NOW!!!!!!

I think you have your W pretty well pegged, she's sick. She is definately sick. Could be a phschological condition, could be menopause, could be chemical, childhood trauma, etc. But there is no question that she is sick.

So how would you treat her if she were comatose? Would you be angry with her? Would you see yourself as being worthless because she did'nt respond to you? For better or worse, in sickness and in health. Well, it's a major illness right now my brother, could even be terminal. So how will you treat her in her comatose state?

I'm glad you sent the emails. The fact that she has'nt responded means that she has'nt responded. Nothing more, nothing less. The important thing is that YOU did the right thing. YOU had the balls to do the right thing, to extend your hand in peace. The only thing you still have to work on are YOUR expectations. You said you had no expectations but you had to have, otherwise you would not have been so disappointed that she did'nt respond to you.

I sent many emails to my W. Explained everything to her, my deepest feelings, fears, regrets. Line after line, paragraph after paragraph. I usually got something in return, yet, not always. Some of my deepest most sincere letters drew no response. And never did I get more than a sentence or two in return. Usually just polite and professional, a one line response to a two page letter. But looking back, I realize those letters must have had a deeper impact on her.

Our W's are just not in the same world as us right now, but the big question is, can we handle that? That is truly the struggle YOU are in. It's not about your W, it's about YOU. The longer you go on expecting somebody else to make you whole, and fulfilled in life, the longer you will go on feeling like dirt.

You are a good man FLTC. You've got a great heart, and a willing spirit. You are on the right track, but you are dealing with a sick person. It's time to give, to let go, and to teach her what love really means(and only use words if you have to).

Hang in there brother!

God Bless,

COG

[BeingMe]

"So, I'm a Shi**y Mother"

My H has a habit of doing this, and I find it very passive-aggressive (psycho speak, but it really does apply). Although, considering where your D17 is right now, maybe your W was right?

You are a good man FLTC. You've got a great heart, and a willing spirit. You are on the right track, but you are dealing with a sick person. It's time to give, to let go, and to teach her what love really means(and only use words if you have to).

I agree wholeheartedly with COG here.

Seems to me, your W had very high expectations of you (set you up for failure), and then kinda said .... see, you can't meet my needs. Also, seems to have rewritten history somewhat, which is classic MLC.

I love America (and, of course, my adopted country, Canada)! My daughter is married to an American serving in the US Air Force. He has also been to Iraq, and it changed him so much. He has become a true man, whereas before, he was still into gaming like when he was a teen, and didn't really take his role as a dad very seriously (I know, I know, I sound like a real MIL, but I actually really like my SIL, but he had his faults as did my D27). Even my D27 grew from her H being away ... she became more independent, and a stronger woman. I very much admire her as a person.

Take care of yourself!