No it wasn't good for us. But I know I've changed. What has kept me hanging on for so long is the hope that you will too. But as I read your last email it hit me-- I'm waiting for something that probably won't happen. You can say you've changed and that you are closer to coming to terms with things, but you've left me out of everything. You're still in the same place you were 6-7 years ago when things started to go south.
You kept the money problems to yourself to deal with.
You kept the house stuff to yourself.
You kept the bankruptcies to yourself.
You kept the IRS stuff to yourself.
You go to movies yourself.
You go to lunch yourself.
You keep work problems to yourself.
You leave me out. Then wonder why I feel alone and confused and hurt.
You're still figuring things out on your own. And I'm still left out. Nothing has changed.
There isn't a 'we' or an 'us'. There hasn't been in a long time. It's always about you trying to work things out alone. I've realized that I've been waiting to be included in your life. For you to talk to me, to share with me, to work things through with me.
I can't make you include me, but I can stop trying to include myself and I can stop asking you to be a part of mine. I can stop feeling hurt by your pulling away. I can realize that I have changed and I'm no longer willing to fight to stay included in your life. I can stop screaming at the top of my lungs for you to include me and I can just walk away. I can realize that this is who you are, and I will never be included.
Getting back together scared the crap out of me too. But I was willing to take a chance.
I signed my lease for a year and was told I could buy the house if I wanted.
