What if he's different? Will going dark work?

[theotherhalf]

I just don't know if going dark is the right move for my husband and I. I am trying to work on me right now. But I am not sure that leaving him alone is the answer. That's what he wants but I am afraid that is to ease his pain and guilt and make it easier to end things. Through out our marriage I was the kisser, hugger, cuddler, talker. Up until the last year before the bomb.

Any thoughts on this.

[Rollercoasterider]

theotherhalf,

I want to write something longer, but felt the need to respond to this new thread quickly.

I just don't know if going dark is the right move for my husband and I... I am not sure that leaving him alone is the answer. That's what he wants but I am afraid that is to ease his pain and guilt and make it easier to end things. Through out our marriage I was the kisser, hugger, cuddler, talker. Up until the last year before the bomb.

So he WANTS you to go Dark and you still don't think you should. Basically, it sounds like he wants space and you think offering space is a bad idea. Oddly, many Newbies feel this way...how can giving him space and leaving him alone make him come back someday?

I can't say because ther eis more to it than what this one paot discusses...but based on this post...space sounds VITAL. Dark may or may not be another necessity for your case. I think you should read up oin what Going Dark means for a better understanding.

But you have apossible MLC spouse...MLCersa are allergic to there spouses...and yet you want to maintain your previous style where you initiated contact--hugs, kisses, cuddles and talks?

What about maintaining what he is now trying to escape going to help?

You don't want to ease his pain and guilt?
Sure, I was glad (and emathically pained) that Sweetheart wa sin pain and guilty...it showed remorse and that he wasn't doing what he wanted--deep down. It showed humanity within the Monster.

BUT I did not want to add to his burden...he had enough pain and guilt stemming from his actions. It was not my job to make him feel worse by either reminding him, guilting him or giving him the opportunity to turn me down...and it is the last one you may be dealing with the most.

He's sent you a message and you aren't getting it. That could be rather that you get it but refuse to believe it...I refused to believe it too... and to this day feel confirmed in that belief. But I got it.

Too much initiated contact from the LBS...especially huggy. kissy, cuddly stuff...MLCers will think
She just doesn't get it. I was trying to be nice; now I've got to be mean just to get my message across.
Then his guilt increases from being mean and/or from hurting you more. What happened was YOU ADDED to his guilt. He doesn't need more of it, and it's not your job.

You think your husband is different than the others because you were the affection initiator? Um...you're female...I think over 50% are the initiators. It's not a special case...it's a normal case.

Maybe there is more you haven't explained...Going Dark isn't alwasy the right tactic. And it's right for certain times in MLC...not all. But with waht you have given, you don't have enough reason to not consider it.

Going Dark is also for oyu. You are new to this. I'm sorry, Sweetie, but it is going to get worse...whether you Go DArk or not, whether you are a perfect DB'er or not.

IF this is MLC he MUST go THROUGH it. You cannot stop it and he cannot just get OVER it. MLC lasts 2-7 years...we generally assume the Bomb Drop happens within the first 18 months (12-36 range).

Okay, I need to get ready for work. You have been on my posting list, so I will check back later. I believe you have anither thread out there. We advise that you maintain one thread...usually the one that is at the top is best, but decide which thread you would like to use and let us know by posting on it--you can even post a response to me there if you choose to use the toher thread. It's just that it is hard for us to follow multiple thread by a single poster.

...heck, it's hard for me to follow multiple threads in general...there are so many out there and this past 1-2 weeks seems to have a plethora of newbies.

HUGS,
RCR

[bar]

Hi!
I was afraid that my GALing would drive H to leave home, but he's still here. It's very uncomfortable because he 'visits' OW quite often and now I'm wondering whether or not to tell him to leave.
He's 58 so that may be too old for a MLC. However he's almost unrecognisable now and wants to travel, do music festivals, sing in public. He's not bother about our home/lifestlyle and has found himself in some alternative beliefs. Quite a lot for me to tackle.

Leave your H alone; that will not be the reason he ends things. Work on yourself to become the attractive, independent woman you are. Then he might see what he will be missing.

[pickled]

Bar & Rollercoaster-
MY post is under PA MLC? Please shed a light. I haven't read the book yet, so I'm just getting aquainted with all this. I tried to read it last night, but couldn't do it. I understand if it is an MLC they have to go through it, and I can see how giving them space would make sense, but how much do you put up with? It feels like your letting yourself be abused by having someone who loves you lie to you, especially if you suspect a PA. I've been reading both your posts. I don't know if I can put myself through this, especially if it can last 2-7 years!!!

[bar]

Hi pickled!

Read your post and responded somewhat but it would help if you could do more reading asap.

How much do you put up with? How much do you want it? Is it one of your goals and are you prepared to be patient, patient, patient?

Yes it feels abusive sometimes and yes it is abusive but believe me once you start working on yourself and becoming yourself independently of your H then your perspective shifts. You'll see H for the pathetic, needy wimp he is and like me, even feel sorry for him and wonder why you want him.

Then YOU feel empowered and strong and they notice! None of this will make much sense to you until you start reading and using some of the techniques suggested.

Good Luck!

bar

[theotherhalf]

Thanks for your response.

I agree with all that you've said it's just that since he moved off our place the first of the month, that he has totally cut all ties to me. He doesn't answer phone calls, call me, and when he stops in to do chores he does just that and leaves. If he does have anything to come in house for it's just for that. If he looks at me at all it's with hate in his eyes.

Our anniversary was last Thursday. I called and asked him to come out for awhil. He said no you come in here. So I did. (Short version) He cooked (something he's never done) we chatted just about stuff. Then I spent the night. s** 4 times. I know it was wrong of me but my emotions of the day got the best of me. He didn't see or contact me till he had to stop at home Mon. He was very cold and short. So after he left I called him, asked what he was doing, did thursday night just remind him how much he hated me? He said that meant nothing really, and you knew that.

I don't know if things could get worse. (except if he files) We went through hell the first 3 months after the "bomb". As he was living in camper here and running at night, heavy drinking, drinking and driving, sneaking with OW alot, still doesn't admit. Dissappearing. Very cruel, agry, nothing positive at all. About 3 weeks ago he got demoted at work, next night he got stopped by cops, got a ticket for open container and speeding(should have been OWI but lucked out) That seemed to calm him. I told him to go on next day. He moved that weekend. Since then he stays at his home alot more. More quiet, depressed maybe. Does now seem to be seeing his family more but nothing hopefull towards me or the kids.

I'm just so frustrated as to how to be towards him. I am really afraid of the "space" or "dark". Out of sight out of mind never worked for us at all and I'm really afraid that it won't now. If he is there to be alone, to figure it out I'm all for it. I am willing to wait here and work on me. What I fear is that he is exploring with OW and that's wrong.

I asked him tonight if we are going to work on us? he said don't know, probably not. It was a long conversation and he didn't leave me any more hopeful than I was. Says he just wants to be alone and that he misses the kids but not me.

I want to wait for him because I believe in us and our M. I want to take this time to fix things wrong with me, to make me a better person. I just wish I could find hope.

Sorry so long...

[Rollercoasterider]

Our anniversary was last Thursday. I called and asked him to come out for awhil.

I realize that he asked you over and made dinner...but still...you've got to stop. No initiating contact...especially for big deal things like anniversaries.

I don't know if things could get worse. (except if he files) We went through hell the first 3 months after the "bomb".

They can...and if it's MLC they will...at least relationship wise. Rather than thinking worse/better, think close/far. He will at some point get farther away...yes even more than now.

I am really afraid of the "space" or "dark". Out of sight out of mind never worked for us at all and I'm really afraid that it won't now.

So what you're saying...is that you are allowing your fears to interfere.
What worked or didn't work before is irrelvant...if this is MLC. You are in new territory here.

If he is there to be alone, to figure it out I'm all for it. I am willing to wait here and work on me. What I fear is that he is exploring with OW and that's wrong.

But what is it that he's exploring???
Okay, so it's wrong--says you. So what though...will your judgement of wrong stop it. No!

Right or wrong are irrelevant. He's goingt o be with her anyway...whether you like or or not, whether you think it's moral or not...it doesn't matter.

Right now you are so afraid of letting him go because you may lose him AND you want to be RIGHT...OWs are wrong and that's that.

MLC doesn't work in that tidy fashion. You are holding so tight that he is suffocating and YOU WILL LOSE HIM.

What do you need todo?

ACCEPT the process...and that means that there will be an OW. It doesn't mean approve...it means Accept. It means you are not in control--and this is his life, not yours, thus you shouldn't ever be the controller. It means you can do nothing to change or stop it. It means surrender to God.

Denial of the process can prolong MLC. It can make it MUCH worse. And a return is less likely.

I asked him tonight if we are going to work on us?

No more doing this. I am not saying it is going to be easy...but it can be easier. Right now your denial of the process is making it very hard for you.

...he didn't leave me any more hopeful than I was.

Why would he want to...he wants out, in his mind to leave you hopeful would be offering False Hope...and just like and OW would be wrong, intentionally offering false hope would be wrong too.

Says he just wants to be alone

And yet you are trying tor refuses Dark/Space...you HEARD tha man...now listen. He wants ot be alone. Give him the gift of space...many regret that they get what they ask for. And he may...later, but to go through MLC, he needs space.

I want to wait for him because I believe in us and our M. I want to take this time to fix things wrong with me, to make me a better person. I just wish I could find hope.

You showed the Hope right there. Hope lies within you..you WANT your marriage to work...thus there is Hope. There is always Hope...it springs eternal.

So start now and do what you said you want...take this time to fix yourSelf. Right now you are still living in Fear...Love is the opposite of Fear.

HUGS,
RCR

[theotherhalf]

Thanks for your reply RCR. Sorry it took so long for me to respond. Haven't been on this site for awhile. Spend most of my time on 40/60 and MidlifeCrisis.

You give good advice and I know that all you say is true. It's just so hard to "wrap my head around".

I now am doing just what you said. I don't initiate any contact. Except a couple times for kids or money. Otherwise to him I am forgetting he exsists. Of course for me I cannot get him out of my head. Wish that I could. He's there in my mind 24/7. I even woke of deep sleep last night cuz I heard him say "what's going on baby". I got up and looked out the window even. God! Why can't I get him out?

Going "dark" may seem to be working already. I went out Fri. night. He was here for farm stuff before I went. He seen me all dressed up. Could feel his attention and curiosity but he then couldn't look me in the eye. He didn't ask where I was going then. Left and was gone mabey 1/2 hr and he called my cell. D answered and he talked to her a little. Then me. He didn't come right out and ask me where I was going just hinted around. I made him come to point of why he called said maybe D could come stay with him. I said she's babysitting. Okay and that was it.

Through out the night he called my phone8-10 times. I answered first few. It was where are you, I wouldn't tell him, then it was accusations, then I stopped answering. He was out looking for me. When I got home I parked car where he couldn't see (I know, playing the game and shouldn't be). He showed up, calling my phone as he didn't know I was here. Then he seen me. Threw a complete fit (drunk) trying to get in the house. I ended up calling the police. He left before they got there.

Next day he showed up in drive about noon. Called my cell and asked me to come out. I went. His first words were I'm really sorry and that was really stupid of me.He said he didn't know why he got so mad. I asked if just maybe because he still cares. He said no, well of course I care but that wasn't it. I let it go at that.

So I got his attention. But. Was it because he cares, or was it drunken control, or was it because OW was out of town and he didn't have her to run to to cover up his feelings for me, who knows...

I really hope that it was all because he is remembering how much I mean to him and that maybe just maybe he is questioning his decision...

[goal]

Just my opinion. - Ignore his calls.

[Was2sad]

Going dark is not a game. It is not to get a response. It is to insulate you from the madness. He will be on your mind 24x7 at first, and for weeks or months in most cases. But you have to start protecting your mind and going dark is a tool for that.

Only when you create a little space in your mind, will you have time to think more about yourself. THAT is where you need to get. NOW is when you start. This is your life. He has turned it upside down. You are the only person that can turn it back around. It takes time. You can do it. Don't look back a year from now wondering why it took you so long to think this way.