Corri's Workshop II

[fearless]

Cobra - Differentiation is not to block out greater understanding or awareness of your partner, or greater knowledge of how you feel or what you feel, but it’s effect is to help block out or control the negative reactions and responses that you feel from someone else, either by their direct negative actions or their lack of validating you.

Cobra,

Differentiation does not block out anything. It allows you to not RELY on positive or negative responses and reactions from people. Instead you can rely on yourself and your own self knowledge to feel good (or badly) about yourself. That DOES NOT mean that you are unaware of people's reactions and it certainly doesn't mean that you would choose to be around people that don't really like or respect you. The irony is that better differentiated people do a much better job at finding friends and relationships that are good for them. I would not put up with negativity and excessive criticism OR only positive feedback with no criticality from people surrounding me. I don't NEED their feedback to know myself and feel good about myself. On the other hand I do want to be surrounded by people that genuinely like and respect me and want to see me do my best which means they can and will be critical of me when called for...


Cobra - I generally practice not talking about my work too much either. I will discuss it at times, mention neutral topics or the like, but I have always understood that men should leave the office at the office. Bringing it home opens up too much possibility to drag in all the negative crap that can occur. Then after a while the wife can feel like she is only there as a punching bag or something. At some point the feeling of validation and being included starts to wear off for her and changes to feeling like she is an emotional dumping ground (she gets enough of this from the kids). I think a lot of men understand this dynamic and therefore try to keep the office at the office.

I also think that most women do NOT understand this. My wife talks incessantly to anyone who will listen about all the crap at her school. I will listen for a while, but honestly it’s like a bottomless pit and a one way conversation. She does not want to hear my opinions or advice, so there is little more I can do but listen to something that is boring to me and frustrating too.

I certainly understand how my wife can feel like this if I were talking to her in this way about my work. So I don’t do it. She has figured out her side yet.

Interesting POV. I think you are probably generally right about the gender breakdown although I do know men that want to talk incessantly about work and women that do not.

I personally believe there can be a middle ground. Since I am one of those women that want to talk to my H or relationship partner about my work, I understand that talking too much can be frustrating for my partner. At the same time, work is a significant portion of my life and I would like to be able to share my feelings with my partner. Are you really making the judgment that this feeling is WRONG? Or are you just saying that you don't have the same feeling and cannot understand why someone would want to talk so much?

I am working at not boring or frustrating my partner too much but at the same time it is important to me to share these things WITH my partner. Sure I can and do share these things with girlfriends and coworkers but there is something special to me about sharing these things with my partner. Yes it's true that I don't necessarily want my partner to find a solution for me and in my case I am fine with my partner disagreeing with how I handle things.

To me there is not a right or wrong way to handle work as much as just different ways. Is it right or wrong to like or dislike coffee? If your spouse doesn't like coffee, should you have to stop drinking coffee yourself? Or should your spouse be obligated to start drinking coffee since you enjoy it so much?

Someone had the idea earlier that asking your wife to limit her talking about work to XX number of minutes might be the compromise. "Wife, I understand your need to vent and talk about your day at work. I have a hard time staying focused on listening and get frustrated. I'd like to try giving you 15 minutes to vent and say whatever you have to."

My wife talks incessantly to anyone who will listen about all the crap at her school. I will listen for a while, but honestly it’s like a bottomless pit and a one way conversation. She does not want to hear my opinions or advice, so there is little more I can do but listen to something that is boring to me and frustrating too.

I can certainly sympathize that it is difficult to listen to your wife. At the same time I underlined all the parts where it looks like this is all about how your wife is MAKING you feel with her talking. This is exactly what enmeshed relationships do. You feel frustrated because her unhappiness about her job rubs off onto you. Instead of being able to be differentiated and strong and listen to her you without judgment, you become frustrated because of how YOU feel when she vents. Why does it bother you so much if she does just rant about her job? Why does it bother you so much if she does not want your opinion or advice? Does it make you feel like you are not important enough?

You also made some negative descriptions - "crap", "bottomless pit", and "boring." Do you think that she is aware of the disdain you have toward her? How do you think that disdain makes HER feel??