Would it be some faceless c*ck shot from AFF, or would you need to be attracted to this imaginary OM first? Because if its 'just sex' then you wouldnt have to worry about your feelings getting in the way and messing up your marriage. our friend Mojo, used to talk about caring about just the sex, but recently seems to have changed her mind. Im very happy for her.
Well, I think that's kind of an unfair characterization of me but I know you are just trying to help LQ. It's not like I joined this BB saying that all I wanted was "just sex" and now I've flip-flopped. When I joined this BB I was miserable because I felt like my 2bx's lack of sexual desire meant that he didn't love me. Getting to a place where I felt/thought that all I cared about was "just sex" was actually an improvement on that state of mind. So I think that LQ is actually 2 steps ahead of the game from where I was when I joined the BB. Basically she is where I was when I was feeling angry and going by the moniker MegaMojo - lol. I slipped back a bit into the MegaMojo mindset out in the dating world but that is just a self-protective reaction due to my lack of empathy for the male tendency towards "f*ck and flee." However, I find that I really have little desire to be a 42 year old Riot Grrl so I'm rethinking things. By the time my marriage ended, I was not really seeing lack of sex as the only problem. Here's how my marriage ended. I didn't cook dinner one night thereby signaling I was done using the cow to carry the marriage. My 2bx knew exactly what this gesture meant and initiated a convo the next morning. I indicated that I wanted him to commit or make a mature "choice" to engage in regular sex, weekly dates and/or some sort of shared activities like fixing stuff around the house, and maintain fiscal responsibility by not quitting jobs before he got a new one. His response was "I have no desire to play the stereotypical male role in this relationship." GAME OVER When I started dating other men, he freaked out and wanted me back but here is what he basically said "I love you. I need you. I think I have figured out what you can do to make me happy." I would have laughed with great weary cynicism if I hadn't been kind of frightened to find him standing over me at 3 in the morning. Of course, I didn't do absolutely everything I could have to make things better from my end before we split. Hindsight is 20/20 and I have learned a lot from throwing myself out in the dating world (One thing that happened is NG thought I was signaling sexual desire when I really wasn't. Clearly, he wasn't "feeling" desire but he offered me sex anyways, much in the manner of a generous host offering to bring up more beer from the cellar for a thirsty guest,and it was so clear to me that his confidence that there was plenty of beer down in the cellar was a large part of his ability to behave in such a manner coupled, of course, with a complete lack of feelings of resentment towards me. This simple gesture caused me to psychologically release the last of my sexual scarcity issues. I "remembered" that there is no need to be a rude, greedy little monkey because many/most men will gladly fetch you a beer as long as you don't attach a lot of validation needs to the request and knowing that it becomes clear that it is just a matter of basic politeness to not demand beer from men who clearly have empty cellars at the moment for whatever reason. My relationship with NG is doomed for obvious reasons but I love that man to pieces because he gave me exactly what I needed when I needed it, like an innkeeper who took a fist full of pennies from a monkey-urchin and gave her the bestroom in the house. Of course, he was greatly amused by my little monkey-show so good karma prevails.) but as of this moment there is not a thing I could/would do to salvage a relationship with a man who I can not admire because he won't even accept the basic personal responsibility of paying child support.
Sorry for the digression, LQ. I don't think your sich is as bad as mine. I feel like if you can get some insight into what you REALLY want and gain some empathy for different aspects of the masculine POV/psychology/biology, it is quite probable you will gain some success. For instance, as a HDW you probably already have more empathy for the masculine tendencies towards horniness and expression of emotional connection through sex in particular and viewing sex as "fun." Your problem is that there is a whole bunch of other masculine tendencies that you don't comprehend or understand or can't figure out how to possibly empathize with along with the fact that you are experiencing some culturally enforced denial of your own femininity. My new working theory is that the best way to become more feminine is to gain empathy for the masculine. In my opinion, the two hardest things to empathize with are the masculine desire to recharge in the cave or go to the cave when wounded and the masculine desire to "f*ck and flee." However, everything under the sun has a purpose so if we can just use our noggins I'm sure we can figure out why you are feeling unloved in your relationship and what in the heck I'm going to do in my dating life now that I've given up on finding a wolf.
"Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?" - Mary Oliver
