Trying to get WAW back

[DaveJ]

Ok, tonight took the family to the mall for supper and some shopping for the wife. Things were going pretty well. Until the kids started fussing. At almost the end while we are coming out of the mall, my S4 bit me hard on the shoulder and wasn't letting go. It broke skin. I was holding him. Reflexively I hit him in the back to get him to stop. It wasn't even that hard. Just enough probably to hurt a little bit to snap him out of biting me. W went absolutely ballistic. Telling me that "you don't hit my child" and "I wish you are gone tonight and I'm glad I don't have to deal with you much longer" and etc etc etc. Eventually she calmed down and I think we are ok now. But does anyone think she WAY overreacted? 1. I love my kids very much and care for them very much. 2. I do not hit my kids intentionally for anything. Last time I hit him in the back, I was stomped on in the groin by him. Once again reflex. 3. It was a reaction to pain and I didn't have time to think. The W says that was no excuse and she's tired of me saying it's reflex.... It's easy for her to say I'm suppose put him down instead and tell him to stop. I give up. I swear her other angers carry over with blind rage and every time I do something she doesn't like it becomes a floodgate... She's got anger issues I swear.... And we were doing SO well.... Heck, in the mall we were joking around and she was even saying stuff like bla bla bla when you come back etc etc etc. So it sounds like she's planning for me to come back.... I just don't get it.... I really hope this little incident didn't set us back....

[Sara]

That's weird behavior from the child. He can't do that to people. I don't know if hitting him in the back is the correct thing to do, but adults have to do something to stop that behavior. This is not something that i'm familiar with. But I would take action to stop the violence against you by the kid. Of course how you deal with it has to be controlled and appropriate. She will have her hands full with him after you leave. I wonder if he is acting out the hostility that he perceives she has toward you. Is he punishing you because Mommy is angry at you?

[DaveJ]

Well, I did not hit him to punish him. It was a reaction to non-stop pain and panic. I don't hit him ever otherwise. He's bitten her once as well. Not sure why he does it though. It's almost as if he's bored. I will try to work on my reaction. But it's a bit hard since 1. I hope that doesn't happen again, 2. You can't exactly "practice" something like that. It's a human reaction.... Fight or flight... Also, I didn't slam my fist in his back. It was just enough to make him to stop. And no, my W wasn't angry with me prior to his action. In fact we were doing great prior to that. How it goes from my reflex reaction to my S4 that's regrettable to I'm a monster that commit violence to my child in my wife's eyes is puzzling. Just not the type of reaction one'd expect. Sometimes I wonder if she's way over-protective of the kids and see things with filtered goggles.

[Sara]

Absolutely, she is overprotective of the kids. Biting is very bad. You will have a big problem when he goes to school if you don't stop it now. They don't take well to kids who bite other children.

[DaveJ]

Well, any which way, I think the W and I are ok now after the little incident last night. She even said she doesn't have fear that she won't get over her issues during the S and that she really believes she will be able to do that. And when she does then we will be able to work on the M. I'm a little nervous about the S as I have to move out tomorrow night. Will do my best to be strong. I will miss her and the kids dearly. But it does give me inspiration that the W is being so positive with the sitch. Here's hoping she will be interested in Retrouville mid November....

[DaveJ]

Absolutely, she is overprotective of the kids. Biting is very bad. You will have a big problem when he goes to school if you don't stop it now. They don't take well to kids who bite other children.

I agree Sara! Need to figure out why he's doing that. Sometimes he just does things that just boggles the mind....

[DaveJ]

So...my update today. I moved out tonight. Didn't have to take much. Just my clothes, essentials, and computer since I moved to my officemate's house. I'm hoping this is just a temporary thing and I'm renting a room in his house. So if you guys recall I requested to move out tonight instead of yesterday afternoon. It certainly seems to have turned out to be a good thing I think....

The W says that just the past 2 days she has been really struggling with me moving out. She was feeling quite emotional. She really thought she wouldn't feel much since she said that she had dealt with the "loss" 3 years ago and has been detached. So apparently it seems she feels quite a bit for me still. She says that she is determined to work through her issues during the separation and when she does then we can get back together again and try piecing. She said that for the first time she can actually envision a future with us and being a happy family. While we were parting, she said she is actually really excited about our future together and is really looking forward to it. She seems to be determined and looking forward to jump on working on her personal issues and the resentment starting tomorrow. I even got a couple of ILYs from her and she really means them!

I am really happy that she is starting to turn around. Here's hoping she doesn't change her mind.... I am going to be cautiously optimistic and be encouraged to work on myself and GAL. I do worry a little since at times when she is down and not feeling good about herself she tends to doubt everything. I hope and pray that she is strong and she will get through this. I do miss her and the kids and the S will be hard. But I am more hopeful now about the fact that things will work out in the end.

[Sara]

DaveJ,

Good luck. I do hope this works out well for you. I hope the reality of separation is much worse for your wife than she imagined it to be. I once talked seriously about separating from my husband. It all sounded good to me until one night when we were making plans for it and I started hyperventilating. I just couldn't breathe! That was the only time in my life I've hyperventilated. So I took it as a sign, and never suggested the idea again. I hope your wife has an equally negative reaction.

[DaveJ]

Thanks Sara! I don't ever wish my W has to go through suffering like that, especially I've caused enough pain as it is. But I think this little time apart is probably good for both of us. Hopefully it helps her deal with her own issues (self confidence and etc) in addition the the resentment and anger. And it should help me work on not basing my whole world on her. I should be responsible for my own happiness. I need to straighten out myself and feel like only she can give me happiness, so our M can go in a healthy direction when we get back.

[DaveJ]

So ended up talking to the W today cuz S4 bit through her laptop cord and somehow broke it. So I had to order a new one for her. Paid next day shipping and stupid Dell still takes 3 days to ship it. Grrrr! Anyhow, the W said that she didn't sleep well at all last night. Wonder if she's missing me or just lots of other things going through her head.... Told her I slept ok, hope that doesn't make her think that I'm perfectly fine with the separation. Oh I don't even know if that's good or bad. Am I reading into this way too much? Well anyways, feeling a bit anxious tonight for whatever reason. I guess I'll hit the gym now and try to work that out hopefully.....