Now I've done it

[nephartiti]

I know I'm snooping, but I checked his new phone acct. In 2 weeks he's used 102 minutes... In one day, he called his OW 20 times, but the longest call was 4 min... I know she is in a relationship with another man, whom I've spoken to, of 4 yrs. She has a son from another relationship that her current partner has become like a father to. He is sure that my H and her are "Just very good friends." I think he's in denial a bit, but it means she hasn't fully jeopardized her relationship. Maybe she won't. My H is gone and seems to be pursuing her.

ON the original phone bill, before The Bomb, he spent nearly 300 minutes on the cell phone with her in a 2 week period.

I know I'm just driving myself crazy, but I interpret this info 2 ways. Either they are together all the time and don't need to talk on the phone, or things are fizzling out. Her boyfriend would be an idiot to let her hang out with him all the time.

Regardless, he isn't coming around here. The last I spoke with him, things were calm and civil. I asked him to come help with the kids because I was moving. I didn't beg, just asked and said I would appreciate it. He said he would and would bring dinner. He seemed very receptive and said he missed the kids a lot. Should have left it there, but I messed up and said I would like him to come home and that I sincerely wanted the craziness to end. He said ok. He never showed and never called. I called once about 5 hours later to let him know the kids were asleep. Of course he didn't answer; I just left a message. That was Sat. night.

Anyway, I have fine tuned my game plan for putting the LRT to work and going dark. He has 2 ways to reach me. My cell and the home office. He usually calls the home office b/c he knows I always answer and there is no caller ID to screen. I will be adding caller ID this week. In the mean time, it will go to voice mail.

I'm going to wait for him to call 3-4 times before I return or answer a call. This is, of course the exact opposite of what I usually do.

The only discussion up for grabs is to make arrangements to see the kids. If he brings up finances or other issues I have been pushing lately, I will avoid them by saying I am too busy to talk or saying I will have to think about it and get back to him. Even arrangements for the kids will be thought about first. Let him wait for my call. He's said, more than once, when I have suggested he see the kids that it has nothing to do with the kids and that it is about me wanting to see him. "Just say you want me back" or "Just ssy you feel lost and empty" I always end up approaching some other issue about what his plans are, what he wants now, does he want a D, etc. That part has to stop dead in its tracks. I'm basically just telling him "get on with it already." That's not what I want.

Ok, so. I will only discuss, briefly, the kids. I will not bring up any other topics. Anything he brings up, I will get back to him on. I will be upbeat and light in my tone and conversation. Nothing too serious.

Based on his word, I am assuming his paycheck is going direct dep tomorrow. If it does, I will leave well enough alone. Pay all the bills as always and continue to allow him access to our acct. This is very hard for me, b/c it means I have to see where he is and spending money we don't have. This is how I found out about the new cell and that he went to the same restaurant I took him to last month for our anniversary. Can you believe that, while we were out on our date, he bought a vegan cook book (I am a vegan chef) right in front of me, and it was for someone else! Guess who. Anyway, he went there the other day and spent enough for 2. What a slap in the face. It was after that, that I angrily told him to get his own acct and cut me a check every month.

I keep side tracking. The bank acct is going to be very hard for me to not react to, but I have to. This is my last resort! I can't slip up again. If he wants to separate any more, he has to do it. I'm not helping (or pushing) any more. I'm pulling back, detaching a bit, and waiting for his next move. I hate playing chess with him. I've been playing pretty aggessively out of fear and anger. Now I'm going to pull back and not make any moves except what is absolutely necessary on the defense.

Any feedback or additional suggestions to my plan will be greatly appreciated.

Thanks to everyone who has esponded so far. This place is a life saver!