I know that I'm missing a lot of the details from your posts, but I sense an overall emphasis on your W's weakness and failings. I understand that point of view completely (this applies to my sitch as well, so I'm really talking to myself too), but I know it's true that you get what you expect.
If you expect W to be selfish and weak and lax in her efforts in your R, that's exactly what you'll look for first in every sitch. The positives just won't be enough to take your attention away from the negatives. She in turn senses the criticism and you both continue on the downward spiral.
Things aren't perfect now. Will they ever be? Maybe not in this life, but we have to get there from here somehow, and find some joy on the journey. I'm glad you are grateful for how far you've come. You've struggled and been patient for a long time...maybe a new level of patience is what is required here and now--how would W respond if she was treated in a way that displayed to her your full love and respect for a week, a month, three months...free from any subliminal accusation or frustration? Just love her for who she is beneath all the frailties and mistakes--what would YOU lose in an experiment like that?
Have you had a chance to read "Bonds That Make Us Free"? It addresses this very idea in depth, and is something that your W should not find offensive to see you reading, as it's not necessarily marriage focused--it's for all relationships in life and the case studies presented cover a wide variety of scenarios.
