After reading what you have written, a couple of observations come to mind:
1. You have come to the right place. Keep posting; it's therapeutic and we will help you. This DBing stuff is not easy, and this is no place for wimps. We will help you and we will all help each other. And read what others post on their own threads (and contribute your opinions and ideas!!).
2. For now, skip to page 124 of Divorce Remedy. Read the entire last resort technique (LRT) section. Then read it again, thinking about what things you are doing that are consistent with LRTing, and things that you need to change. Then read the rest of the book. Do not tell your h you are reading DR or that you are DBing.
3. You say that you do not want your husband to get too comfortable with his arrangement. Understand and believe that there is nothing you can do to control your husband or his level of comfort. You have to let him go. I know, it's tough. But if you read other people's posts and see what they are going thru (and have been thru), you will start to see that we all have it rough.... and we all are sticking to it because we all know it's the right thing to do for us and our families. Bottom line here: If you can't control it, stop thinking about it.
4. You need to attract you husband back not by dressing sexy, but by demonstrating to him that you will be content (if not happy) with your life without him. This is extremely difficult. However, one of the tools that we use is something we call GAL (get a life). You need to find something that you enjoy that will get you out of the house and (preferably) among others. Examples, cooking classes, karate, aerobics, running clubs, fraternal organizations, church prayer groups (perfect for a praying wife), mother's clubs, support groups for the hearing impaired, I could go on and on, but I hope you see the point. You will not be successful at this unless you find something to occupy your time and mind. Time for you to GAL.
5. Are you seeing a pattern here? Let your husband go, physically and emotionally. That will draw him to you. You say that the other woman (OW) is putting pressure on you husband. Two things come to my mind: First, it seems that you view this as a negative. From your standpoint, is a very good thing. Nobody likes to be pressured. Doing this makes her very unattractive and needy. Let him go, let her go, let let her be desperate, and let her pressure him. Second: You can't control it, right? So what do you do? (hint: read bold type above....)
6. Finally (didn't intend to get all wordy here...sorry), with every encounter with your husband, you need to maintain positive mental attitude (PMA). Let me make this very clear. With every encounter with your h, you need to maintain PMA. This includes in-person, telephone, even email. Do not be moody, down, depressed, sullen, or passive-aggressive. Even if you feel that way, you need to put the happy face on for him. Cry when you are alone. Yell when he is not there. But to be successful, you need to be Mrs. Happyface for him.
OK, you have your homework assignment. Now get to work!!!
