There seems to be quite some talk on the boards lately about percentages of returns, etc and whether or not most of them do return. Kind of a downer for someone who wants hope in standing for their marriage.
I know anew2moro H has come back after divorce proceedings have already begun, but just curious how many others posters on the boards spouses have also.
So if your spouse has returned after the divorce proceedings have started, would you mind saying who you are here? Thanks!
I think there are a couple (at least) on the Piecing Forum. Look for ImLin and DebinDenver to name two. RCRs Sweetheart was always threatening divorce and he came back.
Mrs H - standing or swaying or sitting or swirling around in circles .... all you can do, right now, right or wrong, is get on with your life.
Imagine, in a perfect world, your H goes through the Heartsblessings time line or similar and comes home in 2 years? Who are you going to be when he does? What are you going to have been doing while he was gone?
That's what you need to focus on now.
I don't know if you H is going to come back, from reading your posts I would argue stongly that you deserve a partner who is a damn side more mature, loving and compassionate than your H is right now.
Some do come back - some have apparently been through some sort of miraculous transformation that sends them back as better, stronger, more loving, mature spouses. Some come back as the same old creep - and LBS choose to have them back anyway.
Does any of that supposition matter to your sitch right now? Not really.
Keep all the hope of reconciliation you need. Please continue to hope - hope is the most amazing tool we have for pulling us through the darkest days of our lives. While you are hoping and praying, just remember that if or when he does come back, you will be the best Mrs H you can be. You will have used this time to invest in yourself, grow and be the most amazing Mrs H there is.
Prayers to you.
Last edited by Walkingback; 09/03/0712:16 AM.
V
Never make someone a priority, who makes you an option.
MrsH In sitch I don't think that it will work. But I work with a guy whos W did something similar late last year. They were 4 days away from the D hearing and she asked him to cancel and work on their M. So far so good for them, but it's only been 3 months.
"Worry is the price you pay for most of the things in life that never happen"
The interesting thing is that anything can happen. Someone can be home and not really home. Someone can be gone and might be looking for a way back. Some can ask to come home and the LBS can say no.
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Mrs H - standing or swaying or sitting or swirling around in circles .... all you can do, right now, right or wrong, is get on with your life.
Yes. And that doesn't mean give up hope.
Hope should not be conditional on the statistics. Hope should be something within. Would you stand if there was a 1 in 2 chance that your spouse would return? How about 1 in 10? 1 in 100? 1 in 10,000? What if 9,999 out of 10,000 returned and you were the odd one out?
Look, most of us have been around here long enough to know what happens. I have been divorced for six and a half years and just because I was divorced, it didn't mean I still wasn't allowing my former Mrs the opportunity to return. And even today, if she came to me and asked for the opportunity to return, I would listen. I don't know what I would do, but I would listen.
I guess I didn't really phrase what I really meant.
I wasn't talking about me wanting hope, I was just talking about the general posters on this boards.
I know I need to just get on in my life. I was just curious, that's all. It just seems that everything I have learned from these boards seems to be in question lately.
Hope should not be conditional on the statistics. Hope should be something within.
OMG! Here is what I wrote earlier today in my journal...new journal I made after the old one was stolen...this is the only thing I've recorded in a few weeks.
Watching MLCer for signs = seeking hope externally--Hope lies within. Hope lies in finding yourself.
Am I channeling IMP?
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RCRs Sweetheart was always threatening divorce and he came back.
Sweetheart didn't merely threaten; he filed. He filed 9 June 2005 and we pulled it 24 August 2005--so that was a brief part of the MLC... and yes, he's home, and this time home is stronger than others...but MLC is still there.
This brings me to some things I'm thinking...no real concrete words yet...for IMPs Deliverance/MLC Stages thread. Replay Iget, Depression...Yup. And I've written about those...and even at that time (I think) I said I didn't get the other stages yet...and assumed perhaps it was because I hadn't witnessed them yet.
Well...I still haven't a clue...so what are the stages and what do they mean...Are they real, are they common across MLCers...evne Replay and Depression? I need to reflect on that for the other thread.
As for seeking Hope...MrsH...it is the flame within YOU. You create it and you define it...
Just because Sweetheart came home and just because IMP's wife didn't...has NO bearing on whether yours will or not. Oh, sure, I know we are human and what are tendencies...
But can we really distill this down to a perfect Science...No, it's an Art too. A Hydrogen atom is a Hydrogen atom...and so is the next Hydrogen atom, and the next. All MLCers are not Sweetheart, IMPs wife, MTN's exH etc. Being human, we can draw some possiblities that may be not quite universal, but shared by many....MAY BE, or MAY BE NOT.
Find your Hope and Happiness within. Everyday it is your choice.
There really isn't much anyone can tell you. Each situation is different. There are no guarantees. If you can think of a scenario, I can probably show you an example. About the only thing I can tell you for sure is the following and this is from a post I made about a year ago.
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Live your lives regardless of who is or is not in your life. Do the things which will make you successful regardless of who is or is not in your life. Set goals for yourself aside from any desires you may have about a reconciliation with your spouse or any actions you would like to see from that person. Don't spend so much time obsessing about the space your spouse occupies in this journey. If you are worrying about where someone else is in life, you deprive yourself of considering where you should be in life. Make the effort to live you life, not to live your life through someone else. Because when you keep cycling this MLC stuff, all you are doing is spinning your wheels. You see folks I have been where you have been but I was lucky enough to have people surrounding me who told me to keep moving forward rather than trying to figure guess what my spouse was thinking or feeling. It works. Give it a try.
And MrsH, if you have questions, ask. And the things you learn here should be questioned. To be honest, one of the reasons I keep coming back to this board after all this time is because I see many things said that should be questioned and are taken as gospel. Watch out for people who say one thing and do another. I want to help you keep from falling into the traps of those questionable things. You tell me what you want and I will do everything in my power to help get you there. However, I can't guarantee anything. But I can guarantee that no matter what happens in your life, the action you take towards becoming the person you want to be (and we are always becoming the people we want to be) will be a blessing to you the rest of your life.
I am too early in this - h just left and said he will file.
However, this is my second run through MLC...
Twenty two years ago, my father left my mother. There was a OW. I still have the letter he wrote to me (all the kids got the same letter) saying he loved this OW and was going to divorce my mother and marry her.
You won't want to read this next part, but his MLC lasted over 5 years. Five years. Sigh.
My parents never divorced and are still married and living together now. He told my mother that if he would have divorced her, it would have been the biggest mistake of his life.
He has been absolutely distraught at what I am going through, yet has never mentioned his situation to me. My mother has, but not my dad.
I found these boards early in my situation because I have been through this before. I dreaded telling my children because I have been on the receiving end of the conversation and it forever changed my relationship with my dad (and not in a positive way). I question waiting (w8ing) for my H because I know how long it took my dad and I am not a saint like my mother.
So for me - there is one success story and one.......I'll let you know.....
Are you channeling? Perhaps. I do have very strong brain waves.
You mentioned a couple of things.
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and yes, he's home, and this time home is stronger than others...but MLC is still there.
And this still means there are questions about the way his MLC will eventually work its way out. We never know what someone else will do.
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Replay Iget, Depression...Yup. And I've written about those...and even at that time (I think) I said I didn't get the other stages yet...and assumed perhaps it was because I hadn't witnessed them yet.
This makes a lot of sense. And it is one of the key points. RCR can tell you about Sweetheart and their journey to this point, but past that everything is still questionable. Of course, we can all take HeartsBlessing's journey at face value too. But don't try to extend it to your situation.
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Just because Sweetheart came home and just because IMP's wife didn't...has NO bearing on whether yours will or not.
That is correct. Every relationship is different. But the funny thing is that I pretty much know what my relationship with my former Mrs will be tomorrow and the next day. Not to be insolent, but my relationship with the former Mrs IMP is more stable than pretty much any relationship I currently see on the board.
Today, I was chatting with a friend, not from DB. Actually, I met her on a dating site, and we got together a couple of times. Her father knew my father. She was from my hometown. Her H had been gone and she never expected him to return. She went on with her life and eventually he did return and has been home for 2 years. I asked her how it was going and she said he is still here and we are still trying. She also said that companionship was good and sex was sticky (which I reminded her when properly done it is...ok ok, but she meant intimacy was tough). But she still finds it a challenge and even though his job requires him being away a couple nights a week, she still finds his presence at time to be stiffling.
Human emotions is difficult to deal with. And it always will be. Make your choice. Go with it. And live the life you want to live.
