An update from ol' Chocolateeyes. You know, Chocolateeyes. Brown hair? Lost a bunch o' weight? Hasn't gotten laid since the first Clinton term? THAT Chocolateeyes?
On July 20th, after two months and more than half a dozen chances for my wayward wife to end her affair and return to work on our marriage, I finally filed for divorce, having her served at work on a Friday. The past month has been the lowest point of my life, and yet I've grown stronger in so many ways.
I am closer to God, lost a bunch of weight, got in better shape than I've been in since I was 30 (I'm now 47), became a better dad, used the opportunity to forge new and stronger relationships with my own parents, my in-laws, and my siblings.
I became a better man.
But the marriage was over. We would go days without even speaking to each other, and the tension was horrible. Legal pleadings and counter-pleadings, interrogatories and financial affadavits.
I filed for custody of our two minor sons, and she filed to have me removed from the marital residence. We were remarkably civil, especially in front of the boys, but the underlying tension was just GROSS, and it was horrible to have to treat my wife like the "enemy," and yet as long as she was continuing her affair (and she was), and still lying about it (and she was), it was an adversarial relationship.
After having her served, I stopped wearing my wedding ring; she had stopped wearing hers around Father's Day. I began to tell close friends that we were getting divorced, and yet we still hadn't told our sons (14, 10) and my wife kept stalling from doing that.
I prayed for her EVERY DAY. LOTS of people did. Prayed that she'd see the foolishness of what she was throwing away, and that the "fog" would lift, and that she would come back to the marriage before it was too late and what was left of my love for her was gone.
Then even THAT went -- almost miraculously, in a period of about 10 days -- and I was "done."
Then last Wednesday, I get this e-mail from her while I'm at work:
"Choc.,
I miss you.
Mrs. Choc."
WTF??? This is from the same woman whose cellphone just SIX DAYS EARLIER had text messages from her to OM of "I love you so much," "No one has ever done it for me the way you do," and "I can't wait for this divorce to be over!"????
WTF???
I ignored the e-mail. I then started getting reports first from one daughter, then S14, then my other daughter, that their mother had been crying, for no apparent reason.
Something was going on.
Last Thursday night, while I was trying to watch my favorite NFL team play their preseason game on TV, she was on the other couch and began to cry. I ignored her at first (you need to understand that there have been MANY incidences of deceit and "crocodile tears" thru all of this, and I wasn't buying it anymore). Finally, after it was clear she wasn't going to let me watch my game, I said "What's wrong?"
She then told me that "I don't know what to do," and that OM had been sending her "nasty" text messages, and "threatening" her. More angry and annoyed than protective or concerned, I merely said "Then show them to the cops, and get a restraining order against his azz."
She began to cry, and asked me to just come and hold her. I refused. She then came over to my couch, and sat next to me, and asked me again to "just hold me," and again I refused, and asked her what was going on.
She then started to sob, and proceeded to tell me how much she loved me, didn't want to lose me, and that she's ALWAYS loved me, and that this (the affair) was the biggest mistake she'd ever made, and she wanted me back.
Good lord, my heart was racing, but I remained cool, and -- amazingly -- not so much as a misty eye from me, despite her sobbing.
“Please don’t leave me!” she wailed.
“I didn’t – you left me,” I replied ice-coldly.
“I know, I know, but this is where I want to be,” she sobbed. “This is where I belong!”
She kept trying to hold me.
“Well, you sure could have fooled me,” I said.
“I love you, Choc. I’ve always loved you. We belong together,” she sobbed.
“I used to think so,” I said. “But you ruined that, and I no longer feel that way.”
“Please don’t say that – please don’t do this.” She was sobbing hysterically.
“I didn’t ‘do’ anything – I merely protected myself from what YOU did,” I said, still showing not so much as a misty eye. I was amazing even myself in my detachment “Joe Friday” routine!
“I’ll do anything, I swear to God!” she promised. At that, I grew angry.
“Then take it up with Him,” I said sternly. “Because this doesn’t affect me. Don’t invoke His name until you’re ready to deal with Him,” I lectured.
“I have dealt with him,” she said, quieting down a little. “I’ve asked Him for forgiveness. Why can’t you forgive me?”
“Don’t give me that bullshit,” I said, “I forgave you in the driveway four Sundays ago, and I forgave you on this very spot on this very couch the night before Father’s Day. And what did I get for it? You went right out and continued in your ways!” I was livid.
“I know, I know,” she said, ashamed. “I’m sorry I hurt you. I love you.”
“Oh really?” my voice rose, getting even angrier. “Tell me Mrs. Choc.", how do you get from ‘(OM), no one’s ever done it for you the way you have,’ and ‘I love you so much,’ and ‘I can’t WAIT for this divorce to be over!’ to ‘I love you’ and ‘I miss you,’ all in less than a week!” I demanded.
“I didn’t mean those things. They weren’t real.”
“You could’ve fooled me.”
She kept trying to tell how much she loved me, how much she wanted me back, and that she would do ANYTHING I asked, just to not leave her. I told her I needed to be alone, and I made her leave the room. I went into my room to lay face down on my bed and pray. Pray for strength, pray for wisdom, pray for guidance and discernment. I opened my Bible, my head reeling, but could barely read the pages my heart was racing so fast and I didn’t have my glasses on.
After about 20 minutes, I went back out into the family room, and I could hear her upstairs, SOBBING. I did NOT go up and rescue her, rather poured myself a beer and watched the rest of the Jaguars game. I eventually went into my bedroom/bathroom again and colored my hair and goatee and took a shower, dressed, and came back out. She was finishing up some laundry and some work notes in her Planner, and I ignored her. She then went upstairs and sobbed in her bathroom. Again, I didn’t go up.
After about an hour, I did go up and check on her to make sure she’s ok.
We spoke the next morning, and I told her she needed to quit her job – immediately, as in TODAY. And that she needed to send a “NO CONTACT” letter to OM, and that I would help her write it. She said that there was no need to, as she had already text messaged him this morning saying “please don’t call or text me anymore,” but I told her it needed to be more involved than that, and that a letter was the best way to address it (“no phone call; no THREE phone calls, just a letter,” I said, getting a dig in at the way she tried to handle it way back in early June), and that I would help her write it. I also told her that she needed to change her cellphone number, we would change our HOME number, and reiterated that she needed to quit her job TODAY.
“Well, I can’t do that until I’ve got something else lined up,” she said.
“No, do it today. It’s the right thing to do, and if I’ve learned one thing in the last 3 months, it’s that ‘If it’s the right thing to do, God will provide.’ “
She agreed immediately, with no hesitation or fight. About quitting the job, about the “no contact,” about the cellphone – everything. It was 9:45, and she had a client coming in at 10, and after that, she was going to leave. She was going to call tomorrow’s clients and tell them not to come in, and she was going to talk to her boss, that day (Friday) if he came in, and Monday at the latest. I told her it needed to be TODAY, if it’s just that she calls him today and sets up a time to speak with him on Monday.
Again, she agreed. And she quit on Monday, and told her boss why, too.
My head was reeling, and my heart was torn. I was not prepared to even be CONSIDERING this fork in the road, as many times as NOP tried to prepare me – to WARN me – that it would definitely be coming. I have only been able to deal with my pain by getting to a place emotionally where I didn’t give a chit, and where a future with Mrs. Choc. as husband and wife was NOT even a possibility.
That’s all changed now. Even if we DIDN'T get back together, the subject was on the table, the expectations of my wayward wife, her parents, and my kids had now all been raised, and I had to figure out what I want to do.
She talked a LOT about God, about forgiveness, and seemed genuinely repentant. But as NOP says, “Actions, not words,” and only by CONSISTENT, LONG-TERM ACTIONS can her motives be judged. And even IF she is sincere, what evidence do I have that she has either the moral character or the intestinal fortitude to pull it off?
After dropping S10 off at school Friday morning, I went to Mass to pray and reflect on all of this. A LOT to consider.
And I sent her the following e-mail:
From: Eyes, Chocolate Sent: Friday, August 24, 2007 12:06 PM To: Mrs. Choc." @.com Subject: What you can do Importance: High
Mrs. Choc.,
You asked what needed to happen. I will not instruct you on how to clean up this mess that you made -- it's your problem, and between you, our children, your parents and God (not in that order), it is you who needs to fix it. I will not rescue you from it.
What happens from here is entirely up to you.
I pray you do, regardless of what happens with us.
I will, however, let you know the very first "MUSTs" that need to happen if you want me to take your promises at face value -- these are deal-breakers. If you have a drinking problem, you need to get the alcohol down the drain and out of the house, and you can never EVER have a drink again, and right now Mrs. Choc." you have a "OM problem," and an infidelity problem, and there's only one proven way to fix that.
100% "no-contact", and 100% "transparency".
1) "NO CONTACT." 100%, no exceptions, and it's done via a letter, written by you, proofread & approved by me, and delivered by a 3rd party other than you. This is to ensure that you don't add anything to it, or "soften" it in any way in an effort to be "nice". The last time you tried to end all contact, you tried to "manage" it, and I told you it wouldn't work, and that you can't do it in a series of phone calls and in-person meetings, and I think you'll agree that that concept has been proven correct. I will send you an example of a "no contact" letter shortly; you can write your own patterned after it, and then I need to see it and approve it.
You will also need to swap cellphones or change numbers, and I'll need to "unpublish" our home phone number. Simply put, (Mrs. Choc.), you can never, EVER have any contact again whatsoever with (OM). No "closure," no nothing. If you truly are "done" with him, and want to do whatever it takes to save your marriage and you family, then you should have no problem with any of these. There's nothing to hide.
2) "Transparency." This means exactly what it implies -- if you are to rebuild your marital trust with me, then your life needs to be transparent for a period of time. I will have total access to your cellphone at all times, and your bills (with detailed billing) will come to me, to ensure that "no contact" is taking place. I will have GPS reinstalled into your car and will know where you are at all times, and will ask you from time to time simply "Has OM tried to contact you?" It's imperative that you be honest with me when I ask you that, and not get defensive.
In time, if successful, these steps will no longer be necessary and you can go back to your privacy. You probably think this is a violation of your "privacy" now, (Mrs. Choc.), but there is a difference between "privacy" and "secrets." Your medical information is "private"; not sharing with your husband intimate communications that you receive from another man is "secrets."
A marriage connot survive on secrets, and ours is on the rocks and its last throes, secrets may have killed it, and so there is no room for error here.
(Mrs Choc.), these measures are not meant to be punitive, or to treat you like a child, even if they seem that way. They are PROVEN CONCEPTS, developed by Dr. Steven Harley, Shirley Glass and others and published in books that have sold millions of copies and they have helped tens of thousands of people with their marriages that have been harmed by infidelity.
I fully understand that I cannot force you to do ANY of these, and I will not even lift a finger to "sell" you on them. I was "done" anyway. The choice is entirely yours.
I will, however, let you know that these ARE the MINIMUM conditions by which I am willing to even BEGIN to consider reinvesting emotionally in what is left of our marriage. If you don't want to, I completely understand.
Choc."
Her response:
From: Mrs. Choc."@.com Sent: Friday, August 24, 2007 1:01 PM To: Eyes, Chocolate Subject: Re: What you can do
(Choc.),
I told you last night that I will do what it takes to save our marriage, and I meant it. I want you to trust me again, and if this is how you can begin to do that than I will do it.
(Mrs Choc.)"
We have spent the last four days talking, praying together, talking some more, and agreeing to take things one day at a time. I agreed to put the divorce action on a 3-month "stay", a sort of HOLD, but not to drop it entirely. I need to see that her resolve is real, and that I can learn to trust her again, and she fully understands.
The past two days she has gone into full-blown WITHDRAWAL and even depression. She's having a hard time, as Reality hits her after 4 months of fantasy and escape. Her thoughts (and actions) have all been focused on fantasy and escape, or else on traps and deceit or the busy work necessary to do the "Supermom" thing or to oppose The Idiot (um -- that's their nickname for me). Now, she's come face to face with the painful, shameful reality of her recent choices and behavior, and it's eating her up.
And yet I know this has to happen.
And yet it hurts to watch it.
Rather than rescue her from it, I simply held her in my arms on the couch last nite, and told her "I'm sorry to see you in this pain."
"Are you sure about that?" she said.
"Yes," I replied. "Contrary to whatever you may be thinking, I do NOT enjoy seeing you like this."
"Not even a little?" she persisted.
"Well," I said, "to be honest, yes -- your confrontation of me last Thursday or Friday or whenever that was, when you were begging me to take you back -- yes, that was something that I had waited so long for, and I kind of needed to hear that, and I did enjoy hearing you tell me how sorry you were and that was important to me. But once it was said, then no, I don't enjoy seeing you go thru this pain every day."
I told her (again) that she is going to have many more days like this, but then eventually it WILL get better. I told her she was going into withdrawal, and she needed to prepare herself mentally for it. I told her that she was now having to confront things that she had chosen to push out of her mind for a long time, rather than deal with them, and now she has to deal with them and decide what to do with them. I told her again to ask God for help, and "not try to clean up your life and THEN come to God, but rather to come to God NOW, and ask Him to HELP you clean up your life."
Put more simply, she is just horrified about her recent behavior. "What good have I done ANYONE in the past four months?" she wailed at me thru tears yesterday. "Not much other than cause a lot of people pain," I admitted, honestly, "but you don't have to have your life defined by these four months," I said. "You had a lot of accomplishment and moments of good character before this, and you can work on things and come out of this with even more accomplishment and even BETTER character if you choose to face it, and not feel sorry for yourself."
At the beginning of this conversation, which started at the dinner table after the boys had finished and gone upstairs to take their showers, she was in full-pity mode, and I got very angry with her. After trying to encourage her similar to what I've described above for a few attempts, I finally said "You know Mrs. Choc., if you're sad today, I can handle that. If you're pissed off that you've had to quit your job, I get that too. If you're embarrassed, or overwhelmed about everything you now have to face and do, I totally get that. BUT, if you're looking for PITY, I'm not buying. I'm not telling you ANYTHING you wouldn't be telling D20 or D18 if they were sitting in that chair right there," I said, pointing to the chair that I'd been sitting in but had now gotten up from, in anger. "You would tell them to QUIT FEELING SORRY FOR THEMSELVES, and to GET THE HELL UP OFF THE CANVAS AND START OVER, doing the right things. I will help you where I can, I and I will listen to you, but I will NOT feel sorry for you!"
And I got up and just started doing the dishes, leaving her sitting at the table alone, crying.
After about what seemed like forever (but was probably just 3-4 minutes), she got up, started helping with the dishes, and said VERY quietly "I guess I'm just having a bad day."
"That's FINE," I said, still pretty angry.
"And I'm going to have some of these," she said, "and I need to know that it's OK for me to have them."
"It IS OK," I said, my voice softening. "And I want you to know that I have had them too. But you can't let them beat you, or define who you are. You have to push thru them, and you have to do it one day at a time. Right now, you are where I was 3 months ago, staring ahead and saying "I can't do this. I can't do this for a year, or for six months -- hell, I can't even do this for THIS WEEK. But you know what Mrs. Choc.”?" I asked. "You can do this FOR TODAY. You can get thru this ONE DAY, and do the RIGHT things TODAY, and make the right decisions TODAY, and that I had to learn. With God's help, if you'll ask Him, (and I took her face into my hands and looked her STRAIGHT INTO HER EYES from just a foot away from her) "YOU CAN DO THIS."
"YOU CAN DO THIS," I then repeated.
I gave her a QUICK, hard hug, and then I released her, and just started washing dishes. And she did the same.
And despite all of the deceit and the anger and the pain and the tears, at the end of every hard-earned day, people find some reason to believe.
And now you know.
Chocolateeyes _________________________ "Still at the end of every hard-earned day, people find some reason to believe."
