yeah, what can I say. it is. I am. I suck. H came over with the kids this morning and once they were off playing he asked me if I was okay, and if I was mad at him about yesterday. I told him no...I mean, what was there to be mad at, really? he said he wasn't trying to mess with my head. I told him I knew that, he was trying to mess with my body, not my head. lol. anyway, all was fine until, well, he started in again. and suddenly he grabbed me, threw me in his arms and ran upstairs.
yeah.
I did protest, albeit weakly. ya know how in cartoons there was always that character with the devil on one shoulder, the angel on the other? that was me...it was like I had a birds eye view of the whole thing, with the devil going, yeah, baby, yeah! and the angel was trying to remind me of ow and what an ass h is now and how I don't even like him much lately, how he's broken my heart a dozen times over. I even tried to keep the picture of them that I saw last week in my mind...didn't work. all the while mr-busy-hands was well, busy. omg. finally the devil beat the angel over the head with the frying pan and no more was heard.
I knew what I was doing. I knew it was wrong. I knew if I were a better game player, or stronger person, or, well, had some other outlet that took the really took the edge off (as much as I enjoy my own company, its not the same, is it ladies?), I would not have succumbed. but I did. and in a way, I used him. I knew it wouldn't change anything, would probably do more damage, but I took what I needed...or at least what my body needed. I knew after, he'd go spend the rest of the weekend with her. and I didn't care...at least at the moment I didn't.
wow, that sounds really jaded. and probably verging into tmi here.
hey, I suppose if this is the last time, at least it was better than the last, last time. it was damn good, in fact, considering the brevity of it (necessary when 3 little kids are just downstairs).
ahh, well, I'll be stronger next time. if there is a next time. he had what he came for...the question is, will that satisfy him, or leave him wanting more? hmmmm????
I do know that if that slim chance of reconciliation rears its head again, there is a lot that needs to happen before we can. A lot I need to see change in him. but honestly, I think this was just a lust-fest, nothing more than that, and will lead to nothing more than that. except hey, next time maybe I'll be stronger.
Last edited by morgan; 09/02/0707:10 PM.
M-41 H-38 M-10 years, T-14 years Bomb-PA 3/19/07 Separated-6/7/07 Piecing/h back home 5/08 S-6 S-4 D-4
"Courage doesn't always roar. Sometimes courage is that little voice at the end of the day that says, 'I'll try again tomorrow.'"
