Thanks for your insightful replies. IMP, I feel you are right on when you say her spending is a giant "F YOU" gesture. The more I think about this, the more I really think the idea of trying to have a rational conversation about where we go from here financially will quickly turn into an emotional "I deserve this for all I took from you" "this is my time to get what I want" conversation. Her pain, and how she deals with it, is her business as long as we are separated. If she gets to a point where she wants to really talk and work together, that's different. I am still willing to enter that dialogue, though I know it might not avoid a D. For now, I still stand for the marriage.
I have done some more thinking since my post, and reading your posts fits with where I'm leaning now. This is about protecting assets, but it's deeper than that. It really is about the type of person I want to be. As a result of therapy and a lot of reading and soul searching this summer, I see I have been conflict averse for too long in my marriage/life. Part of it was not being deeply in touch with my feelings but also part of it was a desire for peace. This goes way back to watching my parents interact. Dad was too passive with my mother, who had a temper. They fought a lot, so conflict makes me uncomfortable. It would be healthy for me to get more comfortable with it!
I'm increasingly thinking I need to make my stand and just tell her what I do. Let her react the way she does. If she wants to use this as the trigger for a D, then maybe that tells me something about her character, that she's not really good for me. IMP, you are right to say that what I must focus on is not reconciliation for the sake of reconciliation, but a marriage, if we can get there, that is good for both of us. That means we both confront our individual demons as well as the problematic ways we interacted. Cutting off the credit cards and opening a new account might be just what I need to do for my psyche.
I will look for an attorney about potential equity issues in the house if a D comes. I'm not filing for a D. I will make her pull that trigger.
Finally, are there any angles I'm missing here? All I can think of for now are the checking account and credit cards.
