I'd welcome any insights from people who've been further down this road than I am now. WAW and I have been separated three months, no kids. We both work, and earn roughly the same amount of money. I have been out of the house for three months; I'm living in an apartment, and so there are some duplicated expenses for us (mortgage/rent, phone, internet, cable, utilities).
Wife has been spending $ like mad since we separated. We're not broke by any means, and we still can pay off credit cards each month. We have about 40K in liquid cash assets right now. To pump it to that level, she sold about 20K in stocks a month ago that were in her name only. I have an email from her saying she was willing to do that so we could get through "this time." So, I see that money as for both of us. I've been much, much more frugal than she. Just last month she spent about $5k on clothes, trip, etc. (in other words, stuff just for her). The previous month was probably close to that, but I save all statements and could easily add it up. Money still comes in with our respective paychecks (we take home about $6500 a month combined after taxes and retirement saving), but you can see that if this pace continues for much longer, the $ pool will shrink fast.
She's been opening the bank statements (I go to the house periodically to pay bills), which she never used to do. I don't know if that's guilt over what she knows she's spending, or plotting for a D, or both, but I've given up trying to guess her motivations.
I've read all about MLC and see how this shopping bender fits the pattern and masks a deep hurt she feels. I really do feel sorry for her in some ways, and guilt over my role in creating problems in the marriage.
One other thing to keep in mind here: her family is very wealthy and can provide her with all the money she wants to go to the mall, etc. My family has nothing. If we D, I don't have a trust fund or inheritance to count on later in life. I'm on my own. She has NOT mentioned D, however. We don't talk much right now. I'm giving her the space she has requested.
Here are my questions. 1. Should I take a unilateral approach and tell her what I've done only after I've done it?
--Should I open a new bank account just in my name? --Should I unilaterally take half the money out of our joint account and add it to that new account? --Should I cut her name off two credit cards that are primarily in my name, and then, as a similar act, cut up my two cards that are primarily in her name, in effect saying "you pay your bills, I'll pay mine, and we'll have to figure out something about the mortgage?"
One option is the unilateral approach. Just do it and tell her what I've done.
2. Try to talk about it? --Should I try to have an open conversation with her, sharing my concerns and asking what she propose we do? She's been above board about the selling of stock; she didn't have to do that. However, I don't feel she has a right to burn through what we've worked so hard to save over the years. She seems intent on getting what she feels she wants, so I wonder how rational she would be right now.
3. Do nothing for now. Should I do nothing and let it ride for another month or so? If she keeps up this pace the funds will dwindle fast over the next three months or so.
The unilateral approach has lots of appeal; I have been patient all summer and she is driving this bus in many ways. Perhaps I need to show her I have limits. I am conflict averse, but maybe this is the time to really work on that fault and show her some limits. I'm not running out on the marriage, but I don't want to be a doormat and stand to lose financially if things don't change and we D.
On the other hand, does the unilateral approach risk driving her further away? Should I even care if it does? Would the unilateral approach go against the DB techniques by being a form of "pressure." Or is pressure exactly what she needs right now?
If we end up D, does anyone know if I have a "right" in court to seek money from her for her spending habits that benefited only her during the separation? Could I take credit card statements from this period to court and ask her to compensate me for her spending of our "joint" resources? Given her act of selling stock but saying she was willing to do so for both of us, would she have any right to demand that I put it back if I took half of what's left unilaterally?
I'm confused, and scared, as financial worries have long been one of my deep anxieties given family history.
Thanks for reading and offering any advice you might be able to share.
