Thanks for an update on your situation. I am so sorry to hear this; you don't deserve this, no matter what problems you have to work on. None of us does.
Regarding the C, you are right to be skeptical. Don't just assume that a C always knows best, or is the best fit for you. If you are unhappy with how things are going, don't hesitate to find another. It's easy for people to defer to "experts" but you have to get what you need.
Keep trying on the church/social scene. It's so important to find a new group of friends. It doesn't happen overnight, but the key is to never give up. Keep plugging. The old cliche about getting friends by being one is so true. People are much more interested in you when you show interest in them, so take the first step! Not all will work out, but some will. Our society is full of people yearning for connection. There was a study released a few months ago showing that the typical American has only about 2 friends outside of family; many have fewer than that.
Your H sounds deeply depressed and confused, to say the least. I don't know what to say about that except what may be the hard reality, as far as I can tell. You probably already "know" this but it doesn't make it any easier--you can't fix him. He needs help, but he sounds a long way off from realizing that, if he ever gets to that point. In the meantime, all you can do is decide how patient you are willing to be. Only you can make that call as each of us is different in our needs. I wouldn't listen to anyone who tells you "walk out now" or "wait for ____" Only YOU can decide what is right for you. I've read that at times like this, one partner has to be willing to carry almost the entire load of the marriage, and that is hard when we are being treated like this. I have many times when I ask myself "when does patience become foolishness?" I still don't have an answer to that question, but I ask it regularly.
Nancy Wasson has some stuff that has helped me understand what seems to be going on with WAW and how to handle separation, so you might find her work helpful too. Also try Terrence Real's book How Can I Get Through to You? He's got some terrific stuff about how men and women are socialized, and how it creates all sorts of problems. Some of the men I've read about in that book sound similar to your husband. Reading about these situations may not bring our spouses back, but at least it helps me understand what's going on with myself and what seems to be going on with my W. I find that empowering. These changes we are working on are for ourselves to be better people, and if we get our spouses back into a better relationship then that is a bonus. But the main purpose must, and can, be only ourselves.
Remember that you want a better marriage, not the old one, and to get a better marriage you and I need to change ourselves. That's only one piece of the puzzle, as we can't force our spouses to stay married to us. We can try to influence them, but that is all we can do. Be careful about trying to influence your H right now. You are so early in the process of separation, as painful as its been for you. When W and I separated I thought by three months (where we are now) we'd be either divorced (there's my abandonment fears!) or working together. We're neither--we're in limbo. I still believe in the possibility of a good marriage with her, and so despite the pain I'm standing for the marriage and not walking out. The more I read, and the more I reflect on the complexities of the issues between us, the longer off any reconciliation appears. That's hard for me to take, but to solve a problem one must first accurately diagnose it. You may be in the same boat, so try to steel yourself for a long, bumpy, and painful ride.
I'm glad you shared your point about abandonment. I HIGHLY recommend you read Joel Block's book Broken Promises, Mended Hearts. It's one of the 3 or 4 best books I've read all summer (I've read about 35!). My abandonment issues come from losing my mother to breast cancer when I was 14, and having a father who has never really been there emotionally for me. As a result, I've been extremely self reliant in many ways, and I see now how this created distance in my marriage. Block notes that people who lose a parent early in life often have trouble developing trust as adults. He's a really smart guy--much deeper stuff than a lot of the self help books out there.
I applaud you immensely for working on yourself and recognizing that you have things to take ownership of. That is one of the essential pieces to a successful relationship, whether that be with your current H or someone else. You must do what you can for yourself, recognizing that you played a role in the problems, but so did he. Look closely at yourself, but don't fall into the trap of totally blaming yourself. He has his stuff too, and only he can decide if he wants to fix it. I don't believe we can drag anyone to counseling. They have to want to do it themselves. We feel so helpless, but I'm convinced that we can only drive them further away by trying to "fix" things. Distance, patience, and support when you can find the opportunity. Don't try to force conversations on him, don't look pitiful in front of him, and don't try to guilt him back with "I can't believe you did this to me!" Let him be, as hard as that is to do.
One more resource I've found helpful. Dr. Robin Smith has opened my eyes to so much about not only my marriage, but life in general. I listen to her radio show (only available on XM satellite, I believe, but you can get an online subscription for about $6 a month so you can listen only on your computer). She's on the Oprah channel at 9am, 3pm, and 9pm EST (same show repeated three times a day). Her book Lies at the Altar is also very good.
Take care, and keep updating if you would like. We're here for you. Do something nice for yourself today.
