There and Back, #4

[SallyM]

*yawn*

why I am up? its 6:15...why am I up????? the kids aren't even here to blame it on!

thanks neph, lwb, mk. appreciate the comments/insight.

now for yesterday. I did end up driving myself the 2 hours up to the mountains in NH to a place called storyland. why give you the name of the place? well, because it makes it all just, well, weirder. It was a nice drive...really pretty, I took the mountain route, they took the lakes route, so I had some good thinking time...not to mention could blast my music and not hear any whining (see, not a bad thing, driving myself. lol). I got there about 5 minutes after they did, and the kids were sooo excited to see me. he hadn't told them I was coming, so they were excited to be there at all, and I guess I was the icing on the cake.

storyland is a really cute place for the ages my kids are at. Its a place kids quickly outgrow, but for this age, its like heaven. I had wanted to take the kids there, they have never been, so that was just really fun to be there and see their faces. it was a little cool, so I changed into jeans when we got there. why tell you that? well, its important, because apparently I was really rockin' those jeans.

Ya know how when you are on a diet and you say you won't have any sweets or the like? well, for h, I was that big piece of chocolate cake that he wasn't allowed to have. I swear I am bruised today from him trying to grope me. at storyland. yes, storyland. most of it wasn't naughty, most of it was the fact that he just kept trying to hold me, put his arms around me, rub my shoulders...he did that hands to my face/in my hair thing that makes me completely weak in the knees. he has great hands. omg, I was dying to melt into him. I was. but I didn't, I held strong, because this was only physical. he kept telling me I tooked really really good. nice, considering I didn't do anything, didn't put on anything special.

we had a good time. it was nice, actually. I did flirt a little, but held my distance. just told him he had lost those priviledges. which seemed to only spur him on. typical. the more I pushed him away, the more he wanted me. he even tried to get me to kiss him, which I wouldn't. and oooh, how many parts of me wanted to. but I didn't, because thankfully as much as the rest of me was in working order, my mind was, too.

when it was time to leave, he asked me if I wanted to go get a bite to eat with them before heading home. I agreed to. once there, we had a good time, even with tired kids. it was a nice dinner, some good conversation. but I held firm to what I told him the other week...I don't want to know about your social life, I don't want you to ask about mine. well, he did try to ask some stuff, but I cut him off. so we talked about other things, and it was very much like old times in some respects. he thanked me for coming, said he had a good time, I thanked him for asking me.

then he tried to talk me into letting him come over and well, getting things going. no, not in a reconciliation way, more in a "I want you, have to have you, I can make it really good way." I laughed, but made it clear that no, it wasn't going to happen

I am sooo proud of my brain for staying in control. and sooo glad I took my own car.

I drove home, exhausted but happy. nothing has changed with us at all, it hasn't, and I know it. but its nice to know I can still get to him. and honestly, if he does take it out on ow today, well, he'll be thinking of me. somehow that gives me perverse satisfaction. I'm a sick, sick woman. and maybe it will niggle at him, the good memories of us. or maybe not...not counting on it, that's for damn sure.

and that was that.

well, I'm going to go crawl back in bed for a while, then off to the gym before he gets here with the kids. am curious to see how he acts today. guessing like normal...meaning normal for the last few months. and guessing he'll be heading to her beach house as soon as he drops them off. but hey, at least I had a fun day with him yesterday. and at least I know I stayed strong and didn't give in to temptation yesterday. and oh, how I wanted him to even just hold me, but I never really let him.