not sure. new here

[nephartiti]

My husband moved out on the 19th. Before that, I discovered there was an OW whom he says he was "just friends" with. The confrontation was a big blow out where I behaved badly, to say the least. Said he was confused, wanted space, didn't know if he loved me, etc. He said this OW listened to him and shared his interests, which he felt I didn't. After he told me that, I really tried to show interest, make him feel loved, take him out, but he wasn't too interested and said my efforts were too late.

The following 2 months were explosion after explosion, mostly resulting from me being obsessed with OW and his where abouts, intermingled with my desperate attempts to make him happy.

He stayed out without coming home several times, wouldn't answer cell. I just pushed and pushed and told him to leave every time he didn't come home. He has become colder and colder. Over the last 2 months it got to the point where he didn't want me near him. He actually punched me during one of our confrontations. I called the cops, but didn't press charges. He spent 5 days in jail and now keeps bringing up how I put him there. Says he doesn't feel safe around me because I might provoke him again. We had another argument, and he called the cops on me. Nothing happened, as neither of us had touched each other. Now he's gone. He has a new cell number, which I don't have. I don't know where he is. He's called to see his kids once since he left. He calls from pay phones. When he came, I noticed his wedding ring is off. I know he wants to see the kids, he just can't stand me. He says he doesn't want to look at me. The last several times we were intimate were very hurtful. He wouldn't kiss me, and did things we have never done. It was cold, untender, and aggressive. I feel so rejected.

I know I handled things badly. On top of everything, I have been diagnosed with post-partum depression (our youngest is 5 months old.) I almost committed suicide. I know my unstability has pushed him farther away.

People keep telling me he is abusive and to get as far away from him as possible, but I feel he is not acting like the man I know, love and married. Do people change that much so quickly?

Now that he's gone, I feel panicked about money. I want to make sure the kids and I will be ok, but am afraid to push for "child support" because I feel like that pushes in the D direction, but I he has lied to me about so many things, I feel I can't trust him.

I'm angry and hurt and have trouble staying on track and even knowing where the track is at times.

I want my husband back. I want my family whole. Just don't know how to tackle it at this point. Last time I saw him, I told him I felt we were both angry, but that I believed we could work it out with counseling. He said, "why don't you just say you want me back? that you feel lost and empty? That it really has nothing to do with the kids" He seems so done.

Me 29
H 33
D 5 months
S 9 and 2 yrs (my 9 yr old from another relationship)
Married 4 years, together 5

[mkultra]

You have a lot to deal with here. What is the priority here? First, have you seen a therapist for your dpression? Are you still nursing? Is there a place you can stay?

You can call WIC in your county to get several services. Food stamps, shelter, therapy, counseling for the kids like in Child Haven.

What is your support system like? Brothers, parents, neighbours, priest , rabbi, another single mom?

Yes, people can change overnight even. I thought my H had to be on drugs because I never saw him act that way. Totally different. I almost wished it was something simple like a drug just so I could diagnose his bizaare behavior! You cannot dwell on the whys right now. His insanity, temporary or inorganic, does not matter. The only thing that matters is that his insane world not enter into your baby's world. My H also got depressed while I was preggers and I had post lactation depression when we seperated. Being hormonal and his depression, sleep deprivation was probably behind a lot of our arguments that turned into fights. Well, only two fights. He raised a hand to me and shoved his middle finger to my nose. Maybe he could have slapped me but he never laid a hand on me. Thank God or my kids would not have seen their Dad for a loooong time. But who knows? I have been putting up with a lot I never thought I would.

No one needs to judge your sitch. But you have to know that you can get real help for your depression. You need to be healthy and clear minded for your kids. Your health and safety is most important because you are protecting them.

I believe you can find reconciliation but your H may need a lot of time and space. Do not pursue him or engage in any arguments. He or You have acted in violence and these things escalate no matter what. My H's verbal abuse did not end just because he was caught cheating. I actually thought he would be so sorry and remorseful. No, he got even more pi$$ed that he got exposed. He treated me worse so don't snoop or tail him.

You can let him know about how much money you need in an email or text so he will not draw you into an argument in person or on the phone. That is what I do. My H still threatens to stop giving me money and I have not filed anything because I do not want a divorce. I just want my healthy sane H back but that mighttake a miracle. Sounds like you are waiting for one to. In the mean time, since miracles take a lot of work and prayer. Take darn good care of yourself. You may need to get out of where you live. Don't stop eating. Drink water and breathe deeply. Do you have any day care? Ugh. I feel bad for you but I know you are smart and you can do this. You are not alone and a lot of us have been where you are tonight.

I am so sorry. Having two babies and a stepson at that age is hard enough!

[mkultra]

You can get legal consultation on child support through the county. If you have health coverage, many health plans include psychiatry. I did not know that so now my D6 goes to therapy with other children from homes where there has been verbal and substance abuse or divorce. Your stepson may feel better knowing he is not the only kid going through this.

[mkultra]

There are drugs for depression. They could be a lifesaver for you and your kids. You need to protect them from this sadness and protect yourself. I love your name. Were you her in a past life?

[nephartiti]

Thanks for your reply.

Yes, I have sought counseling. I have also started Accupuncture treatment, which has helped tremendously. Unfortunately, it is a little pricey so I don't go as often as I should.

My friends and family have been there for me a lot. Sometimes I feel like I am burning them out, like I am a lost cause.

I am an apt mgr. This provides a roof over my head and allows me to stay home with my kids. Unfortunately, there is not a lot of cash. That's where I am dependent on H. Since he's left, he's spent several hundred dollars on nothing. Our savings are depleted, and I don't know what to expect from him.

I was offered a part time job, which I think I will need. I plan on applying for WIC as well.

I'm just trying to get through each day. He knows I see the bank acct. It's just a hurtful reminder that he is out there with someone else at restaurants, etc while I'm here being responsible and taking care of the kids we had together.

Bastard.

[nephartiti]

Sorry, yes I am still nursing both my infant and my toddler.

I have always been drawn to Nefertiti. She seems to have such inner strength and grace, something I need to tap into now.

I was prescribed Zoloft, but am hesitant to take them.

[mkultra]

Oh my. Me too. The cell phone bill shows absolute lunacy. I have never even seen my old 39 year old H use a text message! Lordy. The restaraunts, yikes. Of course I could be a pretty fun date if I gotto go to bars and restaraunts and camping and never have to work or be a dedicated mom, right. Bastards.

Wow, nursing both kids. Does that mean twice the hormones? You sound like an awesome mom. I am struggling with just one toddler and one school age kid. I imagine Terrible Twos with a new baby is a whole 'nother experience. I am glad you arenot alone. My WIC advisor also mentioend I should get on a different medical plan. Can you believe Kaiser cost me $900 per month!!!!