My kids come home tomorrow after a 4 day stay at their dads.
It is funny sometimes how life changes. I never expected not to be with my kids on a holiday or weekend. I never expected the man that I loved to devastate me and constantly annihalate my character to his family and friends. I never expected my beloved inlaws to blame me for my husbands infidelity or to vacation with the OW 8 months after the bomb.
On the other hand, I never expected to learn so much about myself and who I am. I never thought that I could be this strong physically, mentally, and morally. I learned the true meaning of friendship and family. I learned how wonderful and true my God is. I learned the true meaning of faith and forgiveness. Most of all I learned to be true to myself by respecting my beliefs.
By going dark I have peace. There are times I really miss my H, but I remind myself that he is not the man that I married. He is the opposite in every way, shape and form. By going dark I risk that my H will forget about me - "out of sight out of mind thing". By going dark, I guess sometimes I hope that I forget about him. He is always there, in my heart though. He lives there when I see a pretty sunset, or when my daughter laughs, or when one of my patients die at work. I always hear his voice consoling me, commending me, or just talking with me. - I only hear the old H, not the new.
I wonder one day if H will come back to me asking for forgiveness, or will his pride be too much for him. What will my response be if he wants back. I guess it depends upon the day. Somedays I would embrace him and welcome him back. Other days I would tell him off and walk away, wanting him to feel rejected and abandoned like he left me and the kids.
I guess we never really know where our life will take us. What will happen or how we will respond to all the changes. I can only hope that I will have the ability to please my God and make him proud of me. I would only hope that I could be the very best example for my children.
I know the ball is in H's court. He has the ability to help himself and restore his family. It would take alot of work and effort on his part, but I know he could do it if he wanted too. I know he could ....
I also know that no matter what I say or do, it won't help this situation. He has to find his way on his own. He has to want his family back without any convincing on my part for this to work. He has to make the decision to love me again, to respect me again, and to work on a marriage again. His destiny is his, not mine. It may include me, it may not. It took me a while to accept this. It took me a while to even fathom that my husband maybe does not want me. It took me a while to see my part in a failed marriage.
I am not a doormat though. You are not either. We deserve respect, love, admiration and forgiveness for whatever our part was in the demise of our marriage. We do not deserve to be cheated on, talked about disrespectfully, or ignored. We do not deserve to be humiliated, abandoned, or made to feel horrible about ourselves. We do not deserve to be in such pain because our significant others cannot deal with their pain or past family issues.... -thus one of the main reasons I chose to go dark.
I rather remember my H like he was, then constantly see, hear, or deal with someone who is so into self-destructing. - like his mother did to herself and her family. The cycle was repeated. I tried to stop it, but was unsuccessful.
So I have gotten a life. I smile now and sometimes catch myself laughing. It no longer bothers me to go on walks alone or to be around intact families. Days do not go by so slow. I sleep and eat like a normal human being. I feel good about myself, sometimes even sexy. Time does heal. I have truly let go of my H and I am still living and breathing.
Me: 45 H: 43 Married: 19 years Dated 05 years Bomb: 11/06 OW - "I love her, but still want you as my friend"
